An Ugly Feeling03:08 Apr 14 2006
Times Read: 551
Ever have one of those moments? They come at just about any time. The worst time is when it has no reason to come about… but they will anyway. You feel your chest tighten and your head spin. You get an urge that crawls vehemently under your skin. You want to break something, or burst. This horrible feeling takes over you, consuming your thoughts, your mind, you body, and you can feel it bubbling and stirring in your chest, a kind of tension that only builds. You clench your fists and teeth and eyes shut and wait for it all to burst, you want it to burst, for once it bursts it can simmer and drain out… but it never does. It can’t. You yourself don’t even know what the fuck is wrong. You want to scream, you want to punch something, destroy something, for that’s what you imagine that burst would feel like. You’d feel satisfaction and releif… but you can’t… someone might hear, might ask what’s wrong. And then the tears come, the tears you can’t stop. You don’t even know why they’ve come, why any of this comes, but you can’t stop them. They rise up and fall down, giving you a headache so that you can’t forget the way you’re feeling. And all the while you feel lonely, unbearably lonely, but anything you hear from someone else makes you feel worse. Nothing anyone else can say can make you feel any better, more often then not, all they do is say the wrong things but you know you can’t blame them and it makes it worse. And in any case, despite the tremendous feeling of lonlieness that has washed over you… you don’t want to be near anyone else, don’t want to talk to anyone else. You don’t feel like you can handle them and you don’t want them to question why for you yourself doesn’t even know… but you know that answer won’t satisfy them. You also feel the urge to be mean to those you do talk to, to burst out everything they do that irritates you, hurts you, annoys you, etc… but that isn’t right and you know it. You know you’d regret it. You’d know that you have no place to do it and that it would all, in the end, have only come from a wretched emotion you couldn’t control. The only people you do want around are the people who can’t be. The only people you want around are the people that have never wronged you and expect nothing from you, for then you couldn’t lash out at them, wouldn’t have a reason to, wouldn’t feel the odd need to. Then you wouldn’t have your anger and harsh words on your conscious and you could have some odd form of peace that still wouldn’t be satisfying.
In the end you’re left just to pace about, seething with feelings and emotions you don’t understand and don’t feel the right to feel. And it makes it all that much worse that when you finally begin to simmer, go numb… then the littlest of things set you off again… bring the tears to your eyes and make your chest tight. This thing could even be something so minor that it doesn’t even affect you… changes nothing in your surroundings, thinking, etc… but really it does change your thinking… so much more then it should. And you feel lonely all over again, for suddenly you desire comfort so strongly… but once again you don’t want to deal with anyone. You’re torn with no way to free yourself. Either way you feel miserable and there’s no way out. You’re caged and you don’t even know why… you never understood why…
You realize with painful clarity that you won’t find peace either. Not until the feeling vanishes of it’s own accord.
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