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Ok, now I get it. This watching old cartoon episodes thing was really a good idea. I rented the last episode of Star Blazers, hoping to find some kind of closure. I found it, but in a different way that i had thought.



Nova. I get it now. I fell in love with Nova as an eleven year old. (She's the hottie in the skin tight yellow jumpsuit). I have been falling in love with girls who look like Nova ever since. Some kind of seed was planted back then, in the burgeoning soil of my psyche. And it took root. Not that it's such a bad thing, of itself - Nova is cute - but falling for a girl based on that is stoopid. Hmmm. I wonder if, now that I know this, I can avoid having my heart ripped out of my chest. Or are there other cartoon girls who have set me up for a fall... hmm, the complex web of fucked-up-edness...

Ok, this is volume #1 of "Why I'm So Fucked Up". I've really been writing this for a couple decades in all kinds of media. But sometimes I don't want to be an artist, to be oh so fucking clever. So this is the raw deal. And I don't even care how many typing mistakes I make. Did I say that?



#1 - TV in the 80's



Specifically cartoons.

Tonight's installation is brought to you by 'Star Blazers'.

Right, so I'm a little kid in the early 80's, and Star Blazers comes out. The original idea was pretty neat (yeah, my writing is gonna start to turn into an eleven years old boy's - hey, that's pretty much the way it is ayway!) - they have to save the earth because the blue Gamalons have done something weird to the Earth. No one seems to remember what that is, including the people on the ship.



Here's what did it to me: the counting clock. They have a year to save the earth, so every episode they say "the earth has only 363 days left...(362 days left...361 days etc...), will the star force return in time?..." or some such ticking clock stuff. Oh yeah, they're trying to reach the vague and never quite explained planet Ishcandar. But every week, to keep the series running during the school year, they would skip a bunch of days on the day counter. And that PISSED ME OFF. Ok, those capitals are a little over the top, but whatever. But I always wondered, what happened to those days? I had a tenuous grip on reality even then, and I would wonder, did I miss a week of my life? what the hell is going on here?



"Earth is still in danger..." I was really scared that if I missed a day, I would fail the Earth (I was a crew member in my imagination), and here I was, missing weeks at a time. O god. and I would try and explain it to my friend Ed, but he always pretended to not know what I was talking about. Or maybe he explained it to me, but I didn't get it. Either way, I was messed up.



Oh, and the Captain. What a freak. They put this drunk sea captain Ahab dude in charge of Earth's last hope. freak. I wish he would have been blown up. But he did get radiation sickness, so that's something. And the arrows on their suits? They had these arrows pointing down towards their privates. But Nova, the chick in the yellow skin tight jumpsuit, she was a hottie. She may have been the very first cartoon girl I thought was hot. But the very first time I realized girls were something more than just targets for throwing mud at, was that early Star Trek episode with the green succubus chick dancing for Kirk, intoxicating him with her nasty sultry dance.



My problem all these years is that I don't remember the damn series ever ending. All those days, stressing over what happened to the extra days, faithfully watching and discussing the show in detail with kids on the bus, and then the damn thing doesn't end. aaahhhh!!!



So I have here in front of me what is supposedly the last episode of Star Blazers. Better be. And I better get some fucking closure or Im gonna lose it.



Did I mention the Gamalons are blue? They're all gay, of course. All bad guys in 80's cartoons are gay. Princess Starsha from planet ishcandar is supposed to be this better than thou angel, but I think she has a lazy eye. Actually they're both lazy. Maybe she's just sleepy all the time. Drug addict. Plus she doesn't wear a skin tight jumper, so she's just a tease.



This better end. I don't care if they all die anymore. I just want it to end. :|

my cat hexe (witch) is amazing. she is so beautiful that sometimes i just stare at her. then she gets pissed off and lets me know. bite. meow, she is so pretty. sometimes i think we are in a fairy tale, and if i say the right thing she will transform into the goddess bastet and grant me a wish or something. wait, that's genies in bottles. boo - i always get mixed up. maybe that's why i'm so lost.



ok, also, and this is totally unrelated, (and no one is reading this anyway, huh?) but if by the most random of chances that anyone here actually gives a shit and reads what others have to say, rather than just looking at the pictures and backgrounds, and then moving on to the next profile to rate, desperately trying to advance in levels (it's just a fucking website for crissake: it doesn't make you a real vampire just because you spend a hundred hours on the web, jeesus fuck) ;( grrr. what was i saying? oh yeah, i was gonna ask, what's the deal with witch hunter robin? i want to like her, but she's such a bag of beans. she's so tepid, like when my coffee goes cold, and i still want to drink it, but oof it's gone cold. meow, why am i so grumpy? i ought to be haappy, because my pirate/thief character in D&D tonight backstabbed this paladin bitch for 74 points of damage. bitch. oh my god i'm such a little boy. but it's true, i never wanna grow up. i am an evil peter pan. i s'pose i can write anything here, huh? no one is gonna read it laskdhkasjdb askjdfhbakjfd there. kajdhfkasjhdf hahahahah. 'that girl, she's pretty strange,' says luke warm robin. jimminie crickets robin, microwave yourself. gimme some heat. gimme some sugar. what?

nonsense.

ok, time to eat my soup. bye bye little goblin. until we meet again.

this is a crazy rant and i'm gonna do it because i wanna. and because i'm pissed off over the cute little camera i just bought not being compatible with my mac. fucker. FUCKER. there. now for the grammar rant:



ok first off, if anyone notices i have a misspelling, please do tell me and i shall fix the mistake forthright. i can't stand misspelled words. poor little word; not his fault he's misspelled. i am horrendous at typing, and get all mixed up sometimes. plus the fact that when i print by hand, i often write a word backwards, or some such nonsense, and that mirror image thought process gets translated to the keyboard.



there is a somewhat romantic history behind misspelled words. in shakespeare's time, the printing press was relatively new. more often than not, the one setting the type (taking each letter block and putting it in place to form every word) was uneducated, and was just copying each letter as he went along. he didn't actually know what he was spelling. this led to obvious errors. also, they would often run out of a certain letter for the page they were setting, and so the printer would just substitute an 'e' for an 'a' or whatever. many of shakespeare's original texts are misspelled every other line. he himself spelled his own name at least five different ways.



but, by today's standards, i'm afraid that when a person spells a word wrong, it makes them look uneducated, and by extension, less intelligent, and therefore not worthy of a valid opinion. i'm not saying i think that - i'm simply saying that this is how most people will perceive you if you can't spell worth a shit. and really, there is no reason for it. spellcheck does all the work for you, with a few exceptions.



i say all this because i keep noticing some rather poor spelling and basic grammatical errors around here that would be easy to fix:



1. proof before you hit submit. i always find mistakes in what i type.

2. spellcheck in word.

3. www.dictionary.com

4. read. reading makes you smart.



that said, i realize i have left myself open to crucifixion, because now if i fuck up, i deserve a first class reaming. fair enough.



there is one thing though, that totally pisses me off when i see it:

improperly used apostrophes ('). when something is possessive, you use an apostrophe: dracula's castle. when the noun is plural, put the apostrophe after the s: both the vampires' victims were dead (two vampires, multiple victims). ok, and here's the one that is the real pisser: putting in an apostrophe when it doesn't belong at all. they are only used for possessive or for conjugation. don't fucking use them to say: the vampire's are hungry. that's wrong. you do that, and you're saying the vampires is are hungry. correct: his. hers. NOT his' or her's. jeesus fuck i know people from third world countries with better grammar than most americans. and i don't know this because i went to school forever. i know this because i paid attention in third grade.



i go through this long rant because i'm mr. grumpy right now, but also because i would like to see our little group here be taken seriously. if i have pissed anyone off, please don't be too angry.

i write all this because i care. really. moo. ;)

...and the rain falls down from my eyes... and i write all kinds of nonsense, thinking maybe, perhaps, someone will understand. and even if they did, what would that accomplish? would it bring her back?



i read the other day something by baudelaire, and i can't find it now, but he said to the effect of being unable to fall upon the knife, but by less direct means accomplishing the same result...



and i wonder. is that what i am doing? i recognize that very likely, no one will bother to read this. but in a way, it affords me the opportunity to cast a net, in a way, to ask aloud will i sink under the black water as i did so long ago? and this time, will the gods of chaos grant me (once again) their favor? or have i used up all my spare change?



the firmament offers me no answer. and long ago i offered myself to the abyss. but no one is listening. i shall expire in silence.

haaaaarrrrrrggghhh. i do be a pirate today. me fantasy is to be a vampire pirate, sailing the high seas in search of booty and foreign necks on far away islands to bite. haarrgh. so hoist the skull and swords, trim the top'sl, and weigh anchor. i be ready for the hunt!



any other pirates be welcome to join me. any thoughtful cap'n be always a looking fer more mates, for plunder and blood. no landlovers allowed. they be fer walkin the plank. haargh.



gotta go - i be a needed on deck.

- cap'n minski

the Nightwatch is coming. you have been warned. 'Nochnoy dozor' is the original title - it's a russian vampire film coming soon to a theater near you. this is a non-hollywood film - it's really russian with russian subtitles. and who else knows vampires like the russians?

i'll tell you who - romanians and hungarians, who have fought over transylvania for centuries.



here's a nice little morsel from the flm:



[Geser lies on the floor with a book, telling the tale of the Virgin of Byzantium, the origin of the Others, the Great War, and the prophecy of the Great Other]

Geser: ...And so it will be, until a man emerges who is meant to become the Great One. And, if he chooses the side of Light, then Light will win. But, those, to whom the truth has been revealed, say that he will choose Darkness. For it is easier to kill the Light within oneself, than to scatter the Darkness around... The prophecies are coming true.



i can only hope the film is as good as the trailer. otherwise i'll look like a jackass for telling everyone about it. same thing hapened to me with godzilla. i'll just be quiet now.

me. i'm the idiot.



a previous journal entry will reveal my ineptitude with anything more technically advanced than a quill and ink. so, if i don't reply to all the nice little vampires who have been writing such nice little things to me, it is not out of some kind of snobbery, but rather out of an incurable idiocy. so, thank you to all of you who have made me feel welcome.



...i'll figure it out...

hell with it, im just gonna write like a demon in this journal. my insufferable shyness will not force me into yet another dark room of silence. besides, i am in a dark room, and the silence is only interrupted by the screaming in my head. no, wait, that's not me, that's the cheerleader in the basement. god, she's insistent. must be getting hungry. anyway, this is good a place as any for me to publicly jackassify myself. why not, i s'pose.



to clarify, as a writer, i reserve the right to let any one of my personalities take over, as long as his/her grammer is consistant with their character. so if i ever act like an imp, that's not me, it's that guy i keep shushing. shhhh.



i just deleted most of what i wrote. some thoughts just ought to stay quiet. shhh.

a random sequence of events has seen fit to put me here. so here i am. in time i will have this little corner of mine looking better, so i only ask that those visiting me are patient. come back again some time.



i am truly one of those souls lost in the century before last. i know my last life ended just before 1900 began, and i am stuck there in so many ways. technology, computers, even my damn phone are such ways that go against the instincts of my bones. luckily i am stubborn enough to keep trying until i get it right.



baudelaire is an old friend of mine. so, out of respect, i must give the rest of this first entry to the true master of verse. i'll write again later, and fill your head with all kinds of nonsense. until then...



THE VAMPIRE



Sudden as a knife you thrust

into my sorry heart

and strong as a host of demons came,

gaudy and libertine,



to make in my corrupted mind

your bed and bedlam there;

- Beast, who bind me to you close

as a convict to his chains,



as gambler to his winning streak,

as drunkard to his wine,

close as the carrion to its worms -

I curse you! Be accursed!



I begged the sword by one swift stroke

to grant me liberty;

nor did my cowardice disdain

less clear-cut remedies.