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yah tripping

tripping hard

as diamond rain falls

in my backyard

i live in a closet

I live in my dreams

nothing else

nothing but this black

this life that i

have weeded from the light

and pleaded with myself for

and beaten myself for

and why i let myself be used

and held in no consequence

why were the wise

tossed into rot

into decay and filth

this foul place

we call home

are we so far away

from what we came for?

what guides you?

why are you

why do you feel?

why do you want

what you cannot have

when all you need

is in you

it lies there

you are so afraid

of this beauty

scorned by the rest of the world

all alone in the dark

all a pacing in the dark'

all a skeered to look and see

whats been following me

is it that time for me?

time to become that

glow on the fainting dusk

giving way to eternal

darkness, emptiness

self masochist

eat my shoulderblades

let them bleed

let them rot and destroy

your innards

your blood

your life force

is draining from you

sit and think about death

where are you?

are you sure you are

here now

perhaps you are dead

perhaps you are dreading

coming to life again

it does suck you know

like a carcass

propped against some

barbed wire

cutting its way

tearing out bits

of decomposing skin

and fur

and the ground is stained

with blood and bad spirits

and on the wind

lingers a scent

of no innocents

but those who must pay

for the knowledge stolen

let us beat them

and burn them

and cut their nix out

with a branding iron

and this canary

will wear his nail polish

and thank the blue

griffin in the closet

(brinbrem, by the way)

for giving him acid.

Yeah. very. I dont know what i want to do...im bored as fuck but i dont have anyone to talk to, so im just typing to type i suppose. I had this extremely in depth conversation with maven... It was interesting. very. the world is easier to understand when youre all fucked up. maybe i should just stay that way...but that would be expensive. too rich for my blood, im afraid. its depressing. sobriety is a bitch. and i only realize how much of one it is when im fucked up!!!! whats up with that? actually, in retrospect, its for the best that i am poor... otherwise i would be an addict. And that i can recognize that... well its just sad.

Why are people so goddamn pitiful? why do they all lie so much? I dont care if you like me if youre still fucking her. I dont care if you like me because you want to fuck me. I dont want to fuck you. I think you are slime. I already have the object of my affections and he doesnt even know i exsist, and thats the way it should be. Thats why i am the way i am. I dont want your petty little emotions. I want you to leave me alone. let me die alone and undisturbed. let me wander into that cataclysmic void. where what i seek lies. A dead boy. a sweet child. lay your head down and be in peace. I deserve to be hated and alone. I dont deserve a caring ear or voice. I deserve the devils wrath. I deserve to die and burn in hell for my ignorance, i can hardly deny my pain. you sit and ask me if im alright and i say yes. I dont want to tell you that I could slit my wrists right now and be content. I dont want to be alone like this anymore, but noone loves what i am. I hate myself, and that should make it impossible for others to love me. I dont want it i swear. I dont want to sleep. to be...anymore. I just want it all to go away and leave me in peace. may my place be near my sweet son. in the dirt. forgotten. I am useless and am not worthy of a sympathetic ear. I dont care anymore. I want out. that is all i want. i dont want to hear these voices trying to save me from mysef. I just dont care anymore. you want to be angry with me i dont care. All the evils of this world are after me. and fuck it. maybe it will get me out of this forsaken rut that I call my life. I dontwant to love anymore. ever again. I dont want to hurt anyone or be hurt anymore. Will you miss me when Im gone, or will you care at all? I dont think anyone will. even my closest family think i should be what was set before me. that is not what i want. I dont want anything anymore. I want to join you in that place Sean Patrick. I miss you and you were the only thing that ever meant anything to me. why couldnt you stay with me a little longer? you were so young. three months old was not, could not have been your time to go away. Its because I deserved the worst thing that could happen to a human. the loss of a beloved child. but it shouldnt have been done to you just so that arrogant fuck of a god could spit on me. cause hes a fuck anyway. try for someone that can defend themselves, huh? bastard. That was my son. What the fuck did i do to you?

you just need to get laid is my opinion. I cant, everytime i try to get attached to anyone i tell myself that i dont deserve it because i dont. that way I can spare anyone from the pain of knowing me. Kill me please just shoot me in the fucking head.

went to places. saw some things. got real fucked up. and yet still return to find the same things. BoReD.........

So alone. and barely care. fuck you. to the world. this petty, touchy, scrutinous world of ours. I dont care about that damn thing... I have more pressing things to deal with. Like dead bodies. and such. I had my shit together until this tragic thing. this pitious thing. trivial, disturbing. Shall I simply nod and sigh? That seems to make you happy. If I'm just quiet about how ignorant and shameless you are. You cant keep doing this to people, you know. Many have already caught on. And that is why they dont speak to you. because they see through your lies and idiocy. Why do you seek to make this name for yourself? its not one I would be proud of. FUCK YOU!!!!!

Yeah. fuckin a finally. I was dying without it. Some things that I dont quite understand about the world. People who act like adults are fucking MEAN!!! No respect, no courtesy, nothing. i despise them. Bastards. Go ahead, take offense if you want. But those who grow up, grow old. and mean. and hopeless and faithless. gurrg. People suck in general. I dont like most of them one little bit. It makes me wonder why im so nice to these stoopit muthafuckers anyway. why dont I just do what I need to do? Get my shit together and run away to the scaliwagon. But I am so fucking nice. just fucking shoot me.

hey yall. i crushed my sweet little rodents poor little feelers...*sad...* But he managed to get me back within like, minutes...*sadder...* But even thats ok. My boss wants me to move to nevada with him if nothing works out for him down here....SNORT!!!! Im staying my happy ass right fuckin here! And now I have decent internet access again!!!!! huzzah!!! But yah. anyway. I want more acid. that shit is fuckin fun... except making the computer an evil person eater, thus I MUST NOT TOUCH IT!!!!! but hey, these things happen. And yes, to those of you are paying any attention, you will know that the rodent is Squirrel... they let him out OMFG I CANT BELIEVE THAT SHIT......but props to Squirrel. I still hold him in very high esteem. Frost wont give me my goddamn shirt... I think Im gonna stomp his head. that should be fun. yup...I think thats about it...bon

Just got back from vnv nation. Baddass show. house of blues. got to hug Ronan. and shake marks hand. *so pleezed. trippin nutz too. and I got a new tongue ring and got to hang out with sweetness...it was just a baddass night. I'll post some pics soon...my boss did the photo thing for the magazine, so theyre gonna be real good. luvs.

Hey, my web connection is a fucking whore...goddamn wireless internet shit and its antics...anyway, sisters coming home tommorrow, gonna get something great that goes on sweet tarts...*wink wink* gonna have a real good time. got 2 new pimp shirts yesterday, that was kewl, got to chill with frost for a minute, found multiple people with several different types of illicit reference here _______.. ... * wink. again... anyway, luvs to all and until we meet again, nibble nip!

really it does. I WANNA BRING THE LITTLE 4 WEEK OLD BABY CAT HOME BEFORE SHE FEEDS IT TO THE PYTHON!!!!!!!!!!! but maven says no. poop. my internet connection is fuckin up like mad...my favorite stepdad is about to get his toe and part of his foot amputated, i wanted acid from the sceazy stoner, iwanted ex from the cute little mexican, but im fuckin broke, i got bitched at for my fried cheese brain, and im bored as fuck. my day was okay though. my sister is coming home from texas on thursday, so its all good. kewl.

is any one there? can anyone hear me? nope. didnt think so. This entire world is fucking bleak and sad. there is nothing new, there is no hope. Everyone is alone. life is a tragic trap to trick everyone into procreating and nothing anyone does will ever amount to shit once the sun pops and kills everyone in a blaze of fire and screams. will anyone ever open their eyes to the anger and evil surrounding every waking moment? or is everone so busy with the things that seem important? Are they really important, or do you think they are because thats what youve been led to believe? because someone instilled false hope in you? there is no such thing as hope anymore. Its been done. its overrated. its painful to even think about it. why do we kill each other? why do we want the things that we cant have? and why cant we have them. How did this little mind of mine become so jaded? Have i seen to many things? done too many things? hurt too many people? why cant we just sleep? the silence has been disturbed for far too long. somewhere. where the winds voice is not drowned out by the useless droning of humanity. a special place. does that exist? I dont know if I can take this anger much longer. I want it all to just GO AWAY!!! but thats far too much to ask. I need to find a way to get away. i need to find what I came here for. but most of all, I need the touch of a vanished hand. the sound of a voice silenced. that dark hole so far away from me. unmarked, unknown. unremembered and unthought of by all save me. I MISS YOU.

some call me an optimist. fie. anyway. i got in trouble A LOT OF TROUBLE!!! with my boss, but it was so worth it. My adventures to the square were put on hold yet again yesterday, and i have yet to think of a better reason for it than to go and hang out with unsafe to mention name skinny white boy. *evil grin* its just fun. And its even better since noone knows im there, they all get confused and i laugh...hahaha. complete silence. that is what surrounds me. It doesnt get better than this. btw, hon, if youre reading this...HIY!!!!!*kisses*

Who the fuck is awake at 4:30 in the morning? me, thats who. cause ive gone completely stoopit with this downloading thing. wow. on and on it goes. its great. I went with my friend erin for her birthday, and speaking of white trash, we all went to hooters for dinner, and since we didnt have any candles, me and brian held our lighters over her cake so she could have a wish. Happy birthday sweetie. I told sephiroth783 that they sell chill pills in every state, even redneck fuckstate montana, so to take a couple and tell me when it kills that bug up his ass. went to an arcade after dinner, and all i can say is " whoa. Metairie people need to take their heads out of their asses and not be so goddamn rude. Bastards. they can all suck my nuts. fuckin corporate goths. they piss me right the fuck off. There is no such thing as origionality anymore. everything is typical. grr. every idea i have formed has already been done. its ridiculous. I think some people need to die out before we all fuck ourselves over with overpopulation. SOILENT GREEN!!!!!! I m going to bed now. good morning world.

So, i just figured out how to get LOTS of free music and shit, (im not the most tech inclined person,) and I couldnt be more fucking pleased. hehehe. People are evil. So calloused. so overstepping boundaries... grr. makes me want to hurt more than one of them. But, hey, I usually want to do that anyway. I do seem to have a positive aspect in my coming weekend, that will be nice. (vague) What the fuck is your fucking problem Lee? no, i dont like you either. but thats no excuse to even think about me like that. You stay in your fucking hole, and I will continue living somewhat peacefully. DON'T YOU FUCKING DARE LOOK FOR ME!!!! I will have country put his whole leg up your ass!!!!! Because Im little and there are still folk that defend others. And if you try to stab me with the knife I gave you, I will kill you. thats all. just KILL you. Stay there. I know youre reading this too, you judgemental prick. That is done. It was done when you threatened to kill yourself. Just fucking do it already and stop stalking me!!! Its creepy. and it wont be my fault if you end up in the hospital. It will be your own stupidity. Motherfucker. after this entry, i am never mentioning you again, never speaking to you, writing to you, nothing. ever again. I am dissapearing, but only from you. Freak. Get a life.

or, you know, choke or something. stay away from me. I proved my innocence. that should be enough. now you get to feel like shit because you were wrong, funny fucker. leave me ALONE and DIE!!!!!!

She did it again!!!! My older sister, my blood sister, went and got herself knocked up again. Now she lives in a trailer in texas, pregnant, and her kids dad is in jail. you dont get more white trash. actually, im kind of proud of her. We have this delightfully similar goal in life, and that is to be self maintaining but otherwise worthless, with litters of minion children to do our bidding. I have given up on the child thing though. I have 3 dead children, 2 of which never saw the mist of the evening. and im only 18. so, i think i have pretty good justification for telling the grandchild wanting parent hell no. I m fucking finished with that shit. And it would take some SERIOUS fucking convincing to get me to change my mind. anyway. Cant wait till sunday. Going to see the sweetness. Cant help it. Ive always been inexplicably drawn to the oddest sorts...: )

Spent the night with sweetie last night. (you know who you are babe.) Most fun I've had all damn week. I even let him read this journal. *evil smiley* I might not should have done that, but he promised not to hold it against me... hehe. I met my older sisters ex yesterday, I thought he was alright, but noone else here liked him, said they didnt trust him... Oh well. my friends are my choice, and im not going to let other peoples opinions have any bearing on my decision, and im going over to his friends house with him tonight to play d&d. hehee. Sometimes people really piss me off. I think neither of the boys liked him was because they think hes after my ass... I doubt it, but what do they have to worry about? Its MY ass!!!! and Im not going to sleep with him, I'm not just some skank... plus I've got what I need in that department until he tells me to go away........anyway... good morning.

I am sulking in my own little world. All has gone to hell again. the world is back to pain and misery. isnt it wonderful? It is the seed of discontent that will destroy the world. I can hardly wait. Does anyone actually read this crap I put up here? I hope not sometimes. other times its kewl, y'know. I gotta learn how to control my temper. And lower my caffiene intake.. this shit is driving me insane. Despite the opinions of those who think im already there. hehe.

Sleep deprivation is a wonderful thing. Its kewl. It is difficult to be angry when the good so heavily outweighs the bad...and Mr. Jones is fuckin extraordinary. *pant pant* pleasant evening all. there is no more that I can safely put in this journal.

So,...I am headed to the square this evening...yet again, but hopefully this time the person I am waiting for wont be in jail by the time I get there. Uuhhhh...not really much to say this time around, havent done much...nachos are the most beautiful thing in the world, I bit my tongue ring and now I cant speak quite properly, and thats pretty much it.