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sometimes i really don't know why i even try

well, im out of hospital again, the infection is clearing and the wound is finally knitting properly though aparently the scar will be messy now :/ still im glad that ordeal is over at least

what am i but a shadow of my former greatness? I used to have such a sweet and powerful soprano as would literally bring grown men to tears, distract them momentarily from their petty world to transport them in a way i've seldom seen any woman accomplish. Why then must such a fine instrument be surrendered that the alchemy of nature could fit me to beget children? I have preserved what little is left to me of my voice but it is now a coarse and unweildy thing which swells and cracks beyond my control and without the flexibility it once possessed nor the crystal tone. Now i must be content with counter tenor, a sound more of wood than crystal and of far more restricted range, but it is the closest my coarse croaking will allow me to the voice which i have lost

I don't think you realise how it hurts me to see you so upset. it's like a knife in my chest and each tear twists it more. you hurt me before, but my pain i could bear and i took it, but to see you hurt wounds me like nothing else could

i feel nothing

i see nothing

i hear nothing

i am nothing and the nothingness is has come into myself absorbing every bit of my being, it animates my hands now, my tongue, my brain, all aspects of my body. i am the soulless husk of a man.



but always there is hope

cut my veins

let the blood run warm over my hands and chest before it falls, rank and warm for all its sweetness, into the gutter. It's worthless, i'm i'm of even less value. hateful creature, repugnant monstrosity, i'm worse even than the most disgusting refuse, an efluva to expel from oneself lest it can infect. Let me lie there, dying, i want no samaritan, no kind soul to save me from myself to live with my torment. let the dogs fight over my carcass and the rats and maggots feast on my flesh. but first just let me die.

flow my tears, fall from your springs!

exiled forever let me mourn;

where night's black bird her sad infamy sings

there let me live forlorn.



down, vain light,n shine thee nomore!

no nights are dark enough for those

that in despair their lost fortunes deplore.

light doth but shame disclose.



Never may my woes be relieved,

since pity is fled;

and tears, and sighs and groans

my weary days of all joy deprived.



From the highest spire of contentment

my fortune is thrown;

and fear, and greif and pain

for my desert are my hopes since hope is gone



Hark! you shadows that in darkness dwell

learn to contemn light

happy they that in hell

fear not this worlds despite

I fear, when night time comes, that i will forget my path. i chose the light, to walk out of the darkness, but in the treacherous mire i often lose my footing and my bearings, i get lost. What if one day i lose my path completely and return to the all embracing arms of the darkness?

as of 3.00 am this morning i was an uncle to another child, my Youngest and newest relative Harry Joseph Whitehead Esq. as well as my neice, Leah Ashley Wilmot, Gods bless and keep you both and preserve you from the horrors life can bring. Sleep and grow in safety my angel cherubs and know your Uncle Thomas watches over you :)