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OH THE PAIN RIPPING THROUGH MY HEART.

HOW CAN I POSSIBLY GO ONE IN THIS LIFE WITHOUT YOU?

YOU'VE BEEN SUCH A PART OF ME FOR SO LONG AND NOW YOU DON'T WANT ME. YOU PROMISED TO ALWAYS LOVE ME AND TO NEVER STOP AGAIN BREAK MY HEART.



BUT IT'S BROKEN.



I COULD NEVER EXPCET YOU TO CHOOSE ME OVER YOUR CHILD AND HAVE NEVER.

FINDING YOUR SON WAS ONE OF THE MOST IMPORTANT THINGS ON MY LIST. I'VE BEEN DOING WHAT I COULD FOR YOU TO HELP FIND HIM.



WE WERE LOVERS, FRIENDS AND SOUL MATES AND YOU RIPPED OUT MY HEART AND HANDED IT TO ME. WHY ? WHEN YOU ARE NOT WANTING TO BE WHERE YOU ARE WOULD YOU SACRIFICE ME?



WHAT IS IT THAT MADE YOU DECIDE THAT WE CAN'T BE TOGETHER? AND TO TELL ME NOT TO WAIT FOR YOU AND THAT NEITHER OF US KNOWS WHAT THE FUTURE HOLDS!!

YES I'M ANGRY AND YES I'M HURT AND GOD I'M CURSHED!!! MORE THAN ANYTHING I'M CRUSHED. I LOVE YOU WITH EVERYTHING THAT I AM AND NOW YOU ARE THROWING THAT ALL AWAY.

WHY COULDN'T WE DO IT TOGETHER?



SLEEP IS ELUDING ME AND I CAN'T STOP THE TEARS. DEPRESSION IS TAKING OVER AND I WANT TO DRINK JUST LIKE IN THE PAST. DO YOU REMEMBER WHAT HAPPENED IN 1996?



I FEEL IT CREEPING IN......DESTRUCTION, DEATH, DISSOLUTION

My soul mate and I are into reading Erotica. We tend to write it for each other as well.



I've got a couple of things I've written for him. I am always asking him for constructive critism because he is such a talented writer.



Well this week I wrote out his fantasy in story form and he told me he had two word. "Holy Shit!"



I was astonished. I guess I honestly expected him to tell me that something could have been done better.



We have decided that I should submit this story to someplace.



I am thinking of sharing it with a select few.



Very excited about this new ventrue.. I think I'll keep writing.

Confusion reigns in a mind when the heart and mind are conflicted.



I have discovered over the last 6 months that when my heart and mind can not agree I am not a nice person. I've been told by a certain person that my entire personality has changed in the last year.



GREAT I say! That was the goal. Now that I know why Texas was calling me back I am here.



I have actually missed being in the state of my birth. It has been so long since I have lived here. Texas is where I spent the happiest years of my life.



I have a tendancy to live in the past and I have been told over and over that this will get me nowhere. However a wise man once said " The past is the road to the future" or something similar to that anyway.

I happen to know this wise man tends to live in the past as well and we seem to thrive on our memories.

Creativity flows from this point in our lives. The things that occured in our past make us who we are today and ultimatley who we will be in the future.



Okay so that is my rant for the day.... my mood is improving as I was feeling very down and bitchy this morning.

Well more on that another time.

Choosing between two men that I love was not how I saw myself at 30. I've loved "D" since I was 14 years old. He's my soul mate and my lover.

"E" I married out of the fear of being alone. He loves me alot more than I love him and I do love him. Just not like I love D. I can't believe I can't seem to make this decision.



D wants to be here with me. He wants us to be together and to have a family. I want kids, always have. He is a disabled vet and Loves me more than anyone ever has. He understands my feelings and my heart. He listens to me even when I am neurotic. He holds me when I cry and gives me sound advise and even tries to be objective.



E wants to be with me but doesn't want kids. He has a great work ethic and has always provided quite well for me. I know he loves me but he seems to like TV more. He thinks I'm too emotional and that I need help. He says he wants to know what is wrong, why I feel depressed or distant. I can't bring myself to tell him that I'm still in love with another man.



I feel obligated to E. I have commited 10 years of my life to him and this entire situation consumes every minute of my life. I can not seem to think of anything else.

E wants to come to Texas to visit me next weekend and D wants to move here to be with me forever.



I came here to get a fresh prespective on things and see if I could sort out the fog in my head.. but NO i can't fucking seem to get it strait!



Shit why can't this be easy??? Why can't I just tell one of them goodbye. I don't want to give D up and that is my main issue. We've been apart of eachother's souls for so long. I mean i even went to D's to be "with" him in August. Hell I didn't want to leave.



Well I guess some how I will figure this out.

I am going to have to learn to start over.

Being a torn and tortured soul I have a decision to make that I would not wish on another.



The choice is mine they tell me. It is all up to me. I have to decide which one will be THE one. A man from my past whom I have always believed to be my soul mate, or the man I married who cherishes me and would do anything for me, but whom I am not In love with.



I can't believe this is all coming forth this year. Of all years the year I turn 30! I am not afraid for it is only a number it what I've told my many friends who also reached this milestone this year.



And here I am having a pre-mid life crisis or something! I've taken leave from my marriage and from my lover. I've come to a place where I know only two people and they have no influence over my decision making.



I am away from that overbering mission minded christian family of mine that has tried for the last 10 years to dictate who i must be and how to be that person they wanted me to be.



Not any more! I am fed up with the bullshit. I am no longer going to sit by and allow people to change me from who I desire to be.



I have taken stock of who I feel I am and I will no longer be the good little girl they want me to be.