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I can tell I’m in a bad depressive episode when I can watch baby loss and people dying from cancer videos without crying or fear.
The world feels unreal. I don’t feel real. Like a ghost of myself. Apathy, emptiness and deep sadness is all I feel. I couldn’t eat. I wasn’t hungry. No motivation to do the things I usually enjoy. The meaning feels stripped. Everything feels well pointless and all I want to do is sleep.
Not be here. To not feel this way anymore.
This has been the worst episode for a long time. I pretend when I’m around others. Mask, smile go through the motions. I push people away because this is when I can become destructive. When I’m numb. I’m someone else. I’m starting to surface now but for how long I’m not sure when it decides to push me back down under again. It may be tomorrow maybe weeks, days or months from now I can never be sure.