The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

Smile for July 1



The highly competitive pitcher wasn't feeling well and went to the team medic. "You have the flu," Said the doctor as he looked down at the thermometer, "and unless this fever goes down, you won't be playing tomorrow." "How high is it?" the athlete inquired. "Just over a hundred degrees." The pitcher considered this and then asked, "What's the team record?"



Smile for July 2



A druggist approached a customer who had just lit a cigar. "Excuse me," he said, "but you can't smoke in here." The irate patron ruffed a stream of smoke from the side of his mouth. "Like hell I can't! I just bought it here!" "Big deal!" replied the druggist. "We sell fire extinguishers too!"



Smile for July 3



John was walking through the mall when he noticed a dog in the pet shop window window. The dog was on it's knees, its paws folded in prayer, it's lips moving. The sign on the cage read, Marked Down To Five Dollars! John walked in and stoodbefroe the cage. "Please buy me," the dog implored. "I hate being here. I'm really a very special dog. I've traveled in space, I've climbed K2, I've gone pearl diving, and I even competed in the Olympics." John hurried over to the owner. "That dog in the window - it talks!" "Sure does," said the owner. "Then why are you selling him... and so cheap?" The man replied, "Children shop here, and I just won't have a liar in my shop!"



Smile for July 4



Junius and Snuffy were sitting by the stream, fishing and trying to top each other. After exhausting tales about whose father could shoot the best or whose brother drank more, Junius said, "You know, the men in my family are so tough they eat their meat raw. Bet yours don't." "Your right," Snuffy agreed. "They swallow it whole, then sit in a fire to barbecue it!"



Smile for July 5



Jack and Paul are sitting watching TV and drinking beer. When Paul looks at his friend and says; "You looked troubled, what's the problem?" "I'm going to be a father." Jack tells his friend. "But that's wonderful," Paul said. "What's wonderful about it? My wife doesn't know about it yet," Jack replys. "How is your life insurince? I hope it is up to date." Paul said back.



Smile for July 6



Dilbert had two frogs. He wanted to know their gender, so he took them to the aquarium. "Young man," said the curator, "it's fortunate that you brought them to me: I happen to be a frog expert and there's a simple way to tell whether a frog is male or female. When you feed flies to it, you'll notice that the male frog only eats female flies, and the females only eat male flies." "I see," said Dilbert. "And how do you tell which flies are male and wich are female?" The curator said, "How should I know? I'm a frog expert."



Smile for July 7



When the office assistant Casper came back from lunch, his boss asked, "Did you mail that very important envelope I gave you?" "Yes, Mr. Drake," said the youth. Beaming, he handed his employer a fistful of change. "What's this?" "The money you gave me for the stamps," he whispered conspiratorially. "I slipped the envelope into the box when no one was looking."



Smile for July 8



Q: Behind by several goals, why did the coach send in his second "sting"?



A: In a desperate effort to "tie" the game.



Smile for July 9



Q: A boy goes to his father an asked, "Dad, is it true that in some parts of the world a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"



A: His father replied, "Actually, that is true in every country."



Smile for July 10



Q: What is the diff' between; Love, True Love, and Showing off?



A: Spitting, Swallowing, and Garggling.