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Okay so I know I said that I wasn't going to write anymore...

I think I just might be careful what I say from now on..



So the insomnia hasn't gotten better, and 8 pm last night my head hit the pillow and I slept... well I wouldn't call it sleeping since I woke up 2 hours later. Yeah i got a nap. FUN!!!!



So at 10 I can't sleep any more, I get up write a few new verses for a song war I might have with some friends then hit the computer... figure I might as well do something slightly constructive... yeah that didn't happen, but I stayed up till 1:30.. thats when I finally felt like I could close my eyes again...



I did.. I got another nap... I woke up at least twice between 1:30 and 6:00... and then after six.. well the alarm kept going off every 7 minutes when i would hit the snooze button. You can't really sleep in 7 minutes but boy was I trying.



Life sucks.



So I checked out web md today, and took a bi polar assesment test...

and if I were to go to a doctor they would probably diagnose me with Bipolar II disorder... Gee fun! So instead of being all hyper and manic all the time with bouts of depression, I get depression mixed with bouts of mania.



Yup.. that about discribes the last 10 years for me. Always depress... happy... happy.. depressed... suicidal... happy... depressed... all in the span of a week.



Oh wait... thats how this week was. No... not truely suicidal... just wanting it all to be over...

wait did i say this week? It's only tuesday for fucks sake! Great... just great.



And the worst part of it is, is that I have all these people who love me (a few are mad at me at the moment but still love me). But you know what.. I don't want them to love me.. I don't deserve to be loved. I am a bitch. I suck. I am the scum of the planet. my genetic makeup shouldn't have even bothered climbing out of the primordial ooze.



Wouldn't like just be so much easier if I wasn't in it?!



No don't worry... I'm too much of a coward to actually kill myself...



yeah.. isn't that funny... Suicide is the cowards way out and I'm too much of a coward to do it.



Again... I suck.



So lets look at the tally... I've got a slight case of Obessive Compulsive disorder, and now possibly Bipolar II. Oh and most things on the planet can to eat can kill me.



Why the fuck am I here?



The fact that I am breathing must be a universal joke being played by who ever is pulling the strings up there.



I think I'll go have a glass of orange juice and end my life. Death by breakfast... not the funnest way to go.. but hey... I won't get blood every where, or have the back of my head blown out.. or anything like that... just aspixiation. Fun!!!!!! Stop breathing... drown on dry land... who could ask for more?!



Tropicana.. you and I have a date. mmm.. maybe i'll have a grapefruit too.. just to make sure.

Okay, I have decided that this is no longer a safe place to post my inner thoughts.. so buh bye... it's been fun but no more personal journal entries for me.



Tooo many people who shouldn't have seen this have seen it, and now I am screwed. I have probably ruined what could have been a truely great friendship!



So thats all folks. Good night.

J...



I am so sorry...



I know you will read this at some point, and I am so sorry. I love you and you know I would never want to hurt you. I hope you don't hate me now..

Wow... Insomnia is killing me.... this is not fun.



Though what I'm doing while I'm awake is fun... Faire has been a blast...

What a Bitch am I....



Here is a letter I got from a boy, I am in love with...



"...

I had a realization this morning. I dreamed of you at least twice last night, in my passed out, drugged up state, I can remember that. And so I woke up thinking of you.



So I woke up happy. But I got to thinking about the way I talk to you. And this is what I realized. Whenever I downplay the power or truth of my love for you(or for anyone), it probably makes you think less of your own loveworthiness.



I do not know if this is true, but the idea made me very sad. If there has ever been anyone worthy of love, it is you. I know you think of yourself as a bitch, as a hard and cruel woman.

But the truth of your soul is different, and you know it. You are a warm and caring person. For every thorn you have, there are twenty buds just waiting to bloom. You believe in those

silly bohemian ideals. * grin * Especially love.



I am sorry if my own bad attitude towards myself has ever impacted you negatively. And I'm sure it has since you have stong empathy. But I need you to know this...when I think bad

about the fact that I have love for you, it is only because I think you deserve so much better than I. I know we can argue that case 'til the cows come home, but that is the reason for

it. I just want the absolute best for you. I want someone who can be there to hold you when you hurt, to laugh with you. I want you to have someone who can be a good father to your

children. I offer you honesty, but the honesty doesn't paint a nice picture a lot of the time. I want someone whose honesty to you shows you life you deserve.



I am sorry I beat myself up so much.



But you are never the cause of it, at least not in the person you are. Only this situation is bad. But never you.



-t"



And this was my response to him...

I decided to be cruel.. I decided to push him away... I thought it would be safer...



"..T..-

I am sorry that you dreamed of me, for I am sure that did not help your fevers.



Believe me when I say that it is not you that makes me feel not worth of being loved. This is just statment of fact and I see it no other way. You have nothing to do with it at all, so please do not try to take any of the blame.

And I'm not saying this just to argue... I am saying this because it is true.

I am a horrible person who cares not for the hearts of anyone else. Apparently it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks or feels, I am such a horrible person that I will smile while crushing their hopes and dreams.

How can you love me. I am a cruel and awful person who does not deserve love... not yours... not anyones...



There is a beast inside me, and I let it out to play much to often. I hurt the ones I care about, I hurt everything. Yes, wild roses have their thorns, but I have not the beautiful blossoms to make up for the thorny dispostition. I break my own rules, and I do it with a smile...



You don't have a bad attitude, and therefor it has never negativly impacted me. How can something such as that bother me... remember.. I'm cold and unfeeling. And I suck the happiness out of even the most beautiful things.



I am selfish,



I am horrible.



Me, me, me. It's all about me. The world needs to bow down and lick my feet because apparently it's all about me.



My best firend read this letter, and replied to me "Oh my god! That is the sweetest thing a guy could say. Damn that he is not in the same state. "



But now I sit here and think, which we know that that is never a good thing...

I read "But I need you to know this...when I think bad about the fact that I have love for you, it is only because I think you deserve so much better than I. " this is how fucked up I am, at first it made me want to cry and just kiss and be with you, but now it makes me think... awww he has love for you... he loves you like a sister.. .like a puppy dog... and it hates this bleeding heart even more. But then I stop... because remember I dont have feelings... It doesn't matter.

You say it isn't me, you say it is the situation... But I caused the situation, I didn't care what was right nor wrong... I just wanted to play.



I am cold as the deep ocean, and as cruel as that sea can be.



You think I play a pirate? no... I don't play, I am, so much even that here, let me share with you what was once written about me... This is me when I am human, I am not someone you want to know...

"Sienna of her skin,

through harsh sun's maddening glare,

avoid the waters 'round her ship,

and tales of beauty most fair,

for in her hand a blade you'll find,

and razor sharps her wit,

a smile in which to loose your mind,

theres death in lovely lips."



I am a silkie... some cultures call us mermaids... some call us sirens... well.. the sea calls me, and the sea is my home... i do not feel right upon the land, when I am in the waves, I am wild and free.. the spray upon the cliffs are my tears, and the cave whistles are my songs.

There is nothing like watching the light dance through the waves, trying to reach as far as it can go to the bottom of the ocean floor, you'd be amazed at the colors and the world one sees... But that is not something you should ever see, that is not your world. You are not meant for it. But after so many lifetimes of living in the deep, your heart, that once we had begins to freeze.



Don't follow me, don't chase after this cold heart. It will lead you to your grave... I don't want your soul as one of my tropheys... You will just be one of the many, just one among the poor souls that tired to love me. To love me is to loose your soul, to never be able to move on... to be reborn... to love again. You do not deserve that fate, so please. Do not listen to the call of the sea, do not listen to my song, you deserve to grow old, and die, and live again.. but most of all to love, and be loved in return.



Do not love me, I will just break you and keep your shattered soul for all eternity."



I think i have broken his heart. This was his reply





"..Were you trying to bring the wolf?



A growl rose in my throat as I was reading your letter.



You say you will devour me? That you will consume my soul?



How in the hell do you think you can do that?



Yes, you have seen the puppy...the puppy is sweet and easily wounded.



But the puppy is not the one who fights my fights.



Firstly, I do not believe you capable of destroying my soul.

For the truth is, you love it. My soul has touched yours, and vice versa. And maybe you can make some people buy the unfeeling bitch act, but you can never fully convince me that you do not care for me. I have felt your heart beat hot, even

from 1,800 miles away, and I know you are not cold, no matter what you say.



And secondly, if you did ever take advantage of my feelings and tried to use me up, to destroy me as you say you will, if you backed me into that corner and threatened all that I hold dear

within myself, you would see the hackles rise.



And I would never reach into your heart and tear out your soul's throat, I could never do that...but believe me that if you put me in that situation, you would not be able to touch

me.



You have power over me, this is true.



But you have it because I trust you enough to give it to you.

You have shared much of yourself with me, and I have given you an amazing amount of me. And everything I have given you is yours to keep. Forever.



I love you, and I choose to love you. I choose to give that to you. And there is strength in that choice, just as there is strength in what you have given me.



Please do not threaten me with what are essentially empty threats. I know you like me, I know you care about me. I know you have made some hard choices in your life, and you have been in some hard situations.



But I also know that you are warm, and you are caring...not about everyone, sure, but who is?



I can't think of a good way to wrap this up, I have run out of rant.



I still care, and will always care, about you.



-T.."



I love him so much... And I cannot have him...

we are sperated by distance, and now even more sperates us... miles and miles have come between us. And even if he was here with me now, we would still be thousands of miles apart from each other.



Love sucks...



And now he is going to hate me...



And my friends are going to hate me...



And I guess I get to go back to the sea.

OKay... well I don't have time to type the entire story... but I am in LOVE!



There, I finally admit it. And it's none of the boy's I've previously talked about...



This time... it's "my Redhead". *sigh*



Sometimes... I'm such a girl.



And damnit... I can't have him for 3 years... How the fuck is that cool?! I want him now... I am in love with him and want to have him in my life... is that so wrong?!!! Grrrrr.