The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

Okay so I had a great weekend... or at least it started off that way. oh wait no it didn't. lets see... saturday morning i get a wake up call from my best friend saying "can you drive me to the ER?" So i spend most of the day in the ER even though i have a ton of shit I need to deal with... oh well she's my best friend I had to be there for her... She doesn't do hospitals well. Everything looks fine... they can't explain why she's been having a mirgraine quality headache for 13 days now... along with lightheadedness and dizzyness and nausea. Other than all that she is in perfect health. So I run home... get ready to go to a party... drive down to Denver... actually made it on time... that meant I drove from Boulder to the far side of Denver in less than 30 minutes... which is amazing! The party is going good, i'm having fun... oh great here is the newest jail bait who has decided to fall in love with me and follows me around all night like a little lost puppy... it was sweet... but i'm afraid I'll break him... and i don't want to do that. So he is following me around all night... And another friend of mine, who I just met drank way too much... the problem was she hadn't had anything to drink or eat that day before hand. So I'm sitting on the front porch with her while a friend of ours gets everything ready to take her home, and she goes into a Grand maul seizure, so i am now lying on the cold concrete porch with my hand under her head cushioning her so she doesn't hurt herself. We finally get her in the car after she stops seizing and i finally get to breathe... i think i'm in the clear... no such luck... maybe half an hour later i am sitting on the back porch calming down another friend who had drunk way too much as well. Well here is her story... one of her best friends had died... somehow i am going through deja vu... that was the second time this week that i was dealing with an underage drinker who is freaking out because there best friend had just died way before they had the even begun to start life. (St. Patricks day i was dealing with the other one who did the same thing... only as i was driving him home he puked in my car... eck.) So I comfort her, and get her into a car and a friend drives her home... Am I in the clear yet? No not really i still have to take care of more people... The boy that kept following me around all night? Yup he's still following me, and now I have to get him sober... Okay so i took care of him. And then there is no one to take care of me... by this time I am completely sober... (though no one realized how much i had to drink... I don't get drunk like everyone else... i'm lucky that way.) I'm tired... I want to sleep... but no luck on that one... I get seduced by a friend. They convince me to go back to their house... (i was wanting to sleep in a bed... not on the floor with 6 other people...) well I end up fucking on the couch with "P" while his wife is in the other room asleep. THATS A BIG FUCKING NO NO IN MY BOOK! I can't believe that happend. Here is why it happend... well one I got played... 2 she gave her permission... and if she hadn't been so tired she would have joined in... WTF? I am and was so not prepared for that... now "P" is very good at making you think that things like this are what you want. So I was there in my mind going "what the hell are you doing? you shouldn't be doing this." but then there was that part of me that was thinking yes you want this... That was my carnal scorpio urges taking over... and with "P" seducing me... i didn't stand a chance. Here is the fucked up part... he wants to make it a common occurrence... yeah right i don't think so. I don't want you guys to think i'm a slut.. because i'm not... I mean I was a virgin till i was 20... and I'm only 21... it hasn't even been a full year yet since I lost it... I was played... pure and simple. Ugh... I feel ill. oh well. The party was fun the afterwards not so much. Oh so on sunday... after I finally get back to where the party was to pick up my car... I am driving near a non-boyfriends house... and i'm not panicking because i decided that i needed to see him... so i get to his house... he's not home. shit what do i do now? I'm driving home, and right as I get 2 blocks away from his house getting on the highway i stop breathing and start crying... So as I'm driving home, bawling my eyes out... so i'm not driving very well... and I decide i need to not be driving and I happen to be close to My captains house... so i go there and cry on his and my madams shoulder. We watch really bad movies (seriously they were awful) and my captain made me eat some good food and everyone just made me feel loved and took care of me. I'm not liking March so far...

Ugh i feel ill. I feel sick with myself that I actually let my self open up and get to a state of being where I could actually let someone in. Boy am I fucking stupid or what. I let someone in and then they magically go away. EVERY TIME! Why did I do it? Why, when I knew what was going to happen. Am I really that masochistic? I tell myself that I don't have feelings, I tell myself that I'm not bothered by it when I don't speak to him for nearly a week now (and in sooth, the last time I spoke with him was a very one sided conversation about a very awesome day I had and wanted to share with him because he had known how crappy my week had be thus far.). I tell myself I am not bothered, I tell myself that I don't have feelings, because I'm cold and heartless and with very good reason. I am a jaded girl. And even more so now because I tried to let someone in and it's now biting me. I can't blame him, I'm sure he has legitimate reasons for disappearing. But damnit I don't want to think of those right now.



Now here is the kicker, both boys disappeared. David

(the boy and his puppy, aka "Non-boyfriend #1") also disappeared, wanted to get together with him more than a week ago and couldn't get a hold of him. Finally I get an email from him telling me that yes he is alive, and that sent me an email last week, but got a failure notice (silly boy didn't type it right) and then just didn't really try to get a hold of me beyond that. Said something about we should try to get together soon. But since we are on completely opposite schedules right now, and I am actually booked up solid for the rest of the week (but for the time that I’m coming over to drop something off at Madam Crickets), it looks like it won't be any time this week, or next week that I can get together with that boy. Grrrrr. such annoyance.



Now truthfully, I am really just annoyed at myself for letting myself get into this state. But here is the strange thing. I have been happy and giddy all week... My coworkers have actually asked me to stop smiling because it is un-nerving them. My best friend really wants to know why i keep giggling because it's rather disturbing. (I was actually asked if I took over a small country or something along those lines) And I do not know why I was all giggly and smiles. Perhaps it was my mind doing the same thing my body does: pain= laughter. What sucks is I actually felt really good, I was enjoying being happy... but does this just mean that I have a fucked up brain chemistry that for some twisted reason flips the natural laws? I have always known I was a walking contradiction... but I never knew just how far it went. Am I so backwards that natural laws no longer seem to apply? The majority of food that is available today can and will kill me if I let it, and I am finding more and more things every day that prove that true. I am in constant pain to the point where some days I can barely get out of bed.

Growing up all I wanted to be was normal, and knew I was not... So i kept telling myself "why be normal, it's so much more fun to be unique". I still live by that, but is there a point where one crosses the line? The point of no return...

I lived life as a shadow, no reflections upon the earth. no footprints to call my own, hell even at faire no one knew me... Not until I finally I stepped out of the shadows, until I finally stepped back through that looking glass.



Then the unthinkable happened. I decided to give it a go at the whole "feelings" thing that so many have spoken of. Big fucking mistake.

But it's too late, I cannot go back through the looking glass, I cannot return to my world down the rabbit hole. I cannot simply return to the shadows, not unless I disappear all together, but I know that cannot be so. I stepped into the sunlight and got burned.



Pain = Laughter , Laughter = Happiness... Gods I am fucking twisted.

Masochism, denial, and domination... my work here is done.

Wow... the rumors about me in high school are coming true.



In fairy tales, Princesses are always waiting for their Knight in shining armor riding on a gallant steed to come rescue them...

Well for me,

the armor's all rusted,

the horses are lame,

the Knights are all lost,

and I've held my breath in vain.



Instead, as I have been since a child I return to being Alice, alone in her topsy turvy world... Queen of nonsense and backward thoughts.



I killed the White Queen,

I killed the Red Queen,

And I am left alone,

baking tarts and being just Me.



Welcome to my rabbit hole. Check reality at the door.



"To young Alice, the Cheshire cat did reply;

Rabbit knows the way, and I myself need not a weather vain to know which way the wind blows." ~Wicked





I'm sorry for this rant... you can see I started and couldn't stop. I hope some of it made sense, and if it did not, simply ignore the fact that it was said. It started in one direction, and as things so often do in my world it when everywhere and anywhere all at once. So for that I apologize.



I've seen your reality.



I'm not interested.



Wicked

Have you ever had week that sucked, and then had a Saturday morning that looked like it was going to suck as well? Well thats how my weekend started. Nearly got into a car accident, nearly ran a red light (those were sperate incidents), saw very strange random drivers doing who knows what, and that was only leaving being out of the house for 10 mintues. Oh and I was running late, I had to run back into the house 3 times, and then after the near accident and red light, I remembered I forgot something important, and had to drive back home, run back up my three flights of stairs and then start all over again.



So I'm driving to Denver, and I realize that I look on the map I printed out, and put in the wrong address. I put in the address from my house to the second place i needed to go that day. Not the first. I was annoyed, but luckily I was able to figure out where I needed to go. Now I'm driving to a Caberet club for some filming that i promised to do. The club is attached to a strip club... this is not looking good. I'm dressed as a student from Harry Potter, and my best friend is dressed as an Anime Cat Girl. Well we need to ask for directions because we only half way know where were going. So we have a new joke. "A school girl, and a cat girl go into a gas station and ask for directions to the nearest strip club." (I couldn't remember the name of the Caberet club at the time, only the name of the strip club, and since it was attached to it I figured if I found one, I'd find the other.)

That was just how my morning started out!



I am surrounded by geeks the rest of the morning, and have a blast. We go from being just bodies in the backround, to having REAL parts. It was great... Now I can actually say I will be peforming on the main stage at the HUGE Star Wars convention here in colorado. luckily I don't have to be in attendance. BUT I"M THERE DAMNIT! So I hang out with some friends for a few hours filiming, and having a blast.



Then it gets better. i have a buisness meeting afterwards, and have a few hours to kill before hand, I go shopping meet a lot of people, and set up more buisness meetings for the rest of the week. Then I go to the huge meeting I had that evening, and learn so much my head is still spinning! It was awesome! We go out to a restaurant afterwards and have a fun time. Good food, good friends, good laughs... it was great.



I'm driving home, and decide to stop by a friends house and drop something off, I made his day by stopping by to see him. I was so bouncy and perky and happy, that he was just SO excited to see me like that. We decide that i need a drink, and so we have a few, afew more after that, and it just turns into a little party with everyone who was there. Then the naked hot tubbing just made my night!

My friend and I have some serious talks that we had needed to have for a while now, and everything was great, we talked about all the bullshit that was going on with my mother, and he promised that I have his undieing loyalty, and if i ever need him he is there for me, since I am his little sister and loves me. All in all, a damn good day!



I sleep on the couch since it's like 4 in the morning and there is no way I am driving in the condition I am in.



Wake up, have lazy morning watching TLC with one of my fave peoples (his wife) and then go home. I actually get to work on unpacking a lot of boxes, which is great, I made so much progress on my house.



Then I have another buisness meeting up in Fort Collins, and leave for that. HAVE AN AWESOME TIME.

I come home, and it's late... I know i need to go to work the next day, but I am so energized from the entire weekend that I can't sleep.

It was just a great time!



Now as I sit here at work, I remember how fun and great my weekend was, realize how tired I am, and see just how much I can't wait to be able to quit my job next month so that I can have weekends like that everyday!

Last night was a strange night. i got home, and immediately went into my kitchen and started boiling water and pulling down anything that could stain fabric. Heres why, I am making a Harry Potter costume for a little get-together this weekend, and I have my old graduation gowns from highschool. Problem: they are white... yeah thats not going to work. Second Problem: They are nylon poly crap... that is soo not going to work. after dumping an entire jar (probably 1/2 a pound) of crappy Japanese Jasmine tea... (don't get me wrong, I love tea... I love jasmine tea... but this stuff was just crap.) I start pouring syrup from a snow cone machine, raspberry, and cherry into the mix... well things are starting to look quite colorful now.... I empty some mostly full 2 liter bottles of dark soda i wont drink... a jar half full of red wine left over from a ritual i never fully completed (thank the gods on that one!).. now i head towards the bathroom, i start melting black lipstick, and dumping out the tiny little bottles of mascara that i got when i was five... I curse my self for taking out the trash that morning, since sitting in it is half a bottle of black hair dye... that would have been perfect! Through in some oil that is meant to make hair dye smell pretty (yeah forgot to add that one time, and let me tell you that sucked). Color is very interesting now... kinda pinkish... no wait blue... no... a weak tea color? I don't know, at least it smells pretty.... steam is filling the air as I keep adding boiling pots of water to the mix. I truely felt like a witch with one of her potions (which is funny since I AM a witch, and one of my specialties is Potions and brews) Next I added dirt. I jsut happend to have a plant standing next to me that died... a long time ago, but i wanted to keep the dirt... well i dumped that in too.

Now you might be wondering why i am going through all this trouble... why don't i just go buy a box of dye and call it good? well i learned my lesson in the past... I need something for the dye to cling to with the fabric otheriwse i just spent five bucks on some very messy stuff that did nothing for me.

Now i let this brew sit all night, and now all day, i truely do not know what to expect when i get home from work. I will get my box of dye and see if it will hold.... Ooh I hope.

Ehhh I guess I'll post pictures next week.

Now whats scary... what bothers me the most... is that it didn't bother me, and seems to be quite common place... How strange.



Thanks for listening to me rant.