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7 entries this month
I hate being a man and being treated diffent..... I Feel Like I'm Alone -tears-02:44 Apr 27 2009
Times Read: 574
Saturday was a hellish enugh day for me... But just because I wear eyeliner, black fingernail polish and my hair out, I got treated like a freak. Just because I tell the guy that he could keep what's left of the money at the pizza place he's like, "What are you talking about?" in a rude voice and look at me like i'm hitting on him or something because I'm wearing make up....
I was already depressed by that and the fact that my dad died and going to funeral had me down all Saturday. But that was'nt the end of it....
I wanted to talk to a very special friend and sister to me. She was down and I won't say what it is because I respeact her privacy but I was being ignored for long periods of time while chatting with her... She acted like she did'nt trust me or something and it really hurt..... I had to instant mesage her two or three times to get a reponse half of the time.....
I said it before and I'll say it again "if you do not what to talk about something you can have the BALLS to say that you don't want to talk about it or keep it to yourself".... And that goes for the sisters too.....
On top of that another friend says to me that "if she won't tell you then I won't......" and got surprised when I got mad about her coming at me like that. I was just talking to her and said i was worried, that's all, I WAS NOT ASKING ANYTHING! Although I settled that with her and we are cool and everything, I still wanted to put that in this because it made me feel even worse that morning....
It bothered me that two of my closest sisters flat out treated me like a outsider and although one of them got along with me and worried about me it still hurt to be talked to like I was getting in our sister's business when all I said was I was worried when I needed someone to talk to....
Sorry if some of thi seem draged out of the dirt but it just hurts when I'm treated like some kind of treat or unworthy....
I think part of the reason why I was treated like that was because I'm a man, plain and simple.... I mean jeez, sometimes I feel like shit because I'm being treated diffent because I'm a man and it hurts, it really does.... I wish I was born a woman, I really do.....
Again sorry if I seem like I'm draging some shit out of the dirt but it hurts.... being treated diffent and I know I settled my issues with one of you (that being the one that said "I'm not telling you if she won't tell you" which I was'nt asking in the first place).....
Oh yeah and by the way, DON'T ASK FOR A LINK IF YOU DON'T WANT TO READ WANTS IN IT! Sometimes getting a link can be painful and if you don't want to read it because you think it's too much then don't ask for it! And one of you asked for it and did'nt want to read it but the other did read it and she did'nt even ask for it!
That infomation I got about my dad was painful and getting the link was even more painful and difficult.....
Sorry.... if you guys are mad at me for saying all of that..... But it just hurts and I could'nt keep it inside...... And please don't snap at me, I could'nt take it now....
I maybe be away for awhile and sorry about this, going away is very painful for me because i need you more then ever now but I have feelings, you know...... I'll be back one day, I don't know when but i'll be back......
Comment if you like, I'll probably see it when I'm logged off....
Funeral Arrangements for My Dad...10:54 Apr 21 2009
Times Read: 586
I'm going to my dad's funenal on the 24th of April. My brothers, dad's friends and I will be carrin my dad's coffin during the funenal (I don't know how to spell the term but I have seen it done before). It's going to be the first time that I'm doing this but it'll be a honar to help carry my father.
Info of my dad's funeral is supposed to be posted on www.vondelsmithmortuary.com... The place itself is called Vondel L. Smith & Son Mortuary. I don't know when they will post it but my dad's name was Alexander Joyner, if anyone wanna take a look.
I hope it'll be posted soon, I got a nice picture of him smiling on there....
He's Passed On.....11:51 Apr 18 2009
Times Read: 597
My father died on Friday morning, April 17 at 1:00am.
I want to thank EVERYONE that has supported me this whole time. Everyone I told, everyone that listened and everyone that helped me. There's too many to count but I have some great brothers and sisters.
I have a family here forever and ever. And I'll be here when I can.....
Pain..... And More Pain.... -_-04:04 Apr 16 2009
Times Read: 610
ALOT of my sisters and brothers have helped through this difficult time.... But some of you don't reply to me, you just get my message and don't say anything.... And it hurts, I feel like I'm losing some of my sisters and brothers because of it what I'm going through....
My dad is dying, there I said it.... He don't have much longer to live and I had to make the decison whether or not that he should pass on or be hooked up to machines... I decided not to hook him up because that's not what he would want.... But he's not gone yet.....
I want to think Darkkiller, Aracon, Daveysgirl, AngelKiller, Firedrake and so many of my other brothers and sisters for sticking by me.... But it hurts when I don't get a message from someone when I tell them that my father is dying and I'm talking about someone getting the message and not saying anything even when they comeback and just ignore me....
I admit that I haven'nt told everyone but I'll tell you if you want to know how I'm doing because it's the truth... Sorry if it upsets anyone but I tell you because I love and trust you...
Again I thank Darkkiller, Aracon, Daveysgirl, Angelkiller, Firedrake and so many other brothers and sisters for sticking by me....
And those that are away don't feel bad.... And don't feel bad if I did'nt tell you yet because If I did'nt it's because we haven'nt talked in a while or I want to get to know you before I tell you, but I would'nt think any less of you for that....
It's when someone is here and ignore my messages that hurt and yeah I mean when they come on and off line.... -_-
I Love My Family... ^_^20:59 Apr 12 2009
Times Read: 623
I love you all, all of my brothers and my sisters... I love you DrCullen, SakuraofDarkness, Darkkiller, Daveysgirl, MidaraAunk, Slain, PeganPrincessAdina, ShanaraVampire87, Aracon, Angelkiller, Firedrake..... I love everyone... I got so many good brothers and sisters on here that it's hard to mention them all... But If you talked to me, stood by me or befriended me, then you mean alot to me and you have a place here......
And that goes to all of the potential friends in the future. ^_^ You all are my family no matter what!!!!!! I love you all!!!!!!!!!!!!!
And all of you will forever be protected by me. ^_^
I'm Sorry About What I Wrote......12:09 Apr 02 2009
Times Read: 649
I know I did'nt mention any names and I was trying to be as mild as possible but I feel bad about what I wrote. Venting my anger here seem to help me feel better.....
I just hope she's okay.... All that time I spent writng that damn entry, I could have helped her...... I feel like i'm losing my grip on everything..... I need all of you.... I feel like a monster......
I hope we will all still be friends...... FUCKING journal I hate it, if only I was'nt writing in it.....
All I can think about is her beautiful smile, her short black hair....., I guess I worry to much but she's a dear sister to me....
I'm Sorry.......................... I'll be back, I hope that you'll still be my friend when I come back....
-_- I'M JUST WORRIED AND I'M SORRY.........
Being A Guy In This World Sucks........11:16 Apr 02 2009
Times Read: 655
Let's face it..., alot of people may think I'm a fool for saying this but I have to get it off my chest....
(I got one rule, don't say anything bad about my friends, I'll guranDAMNtee I will remove it if I see it !!!!!!!!)
It sucks when your friend won't cyber with you anymore because she has a boyfriend or feel guilty about doing it but still cyber with some of her female friends......
It get on my nerves that a woman can have multiple female partners while involved with a guy but think it's wrong to have other guys on the side (I love girl on girl and threesomes but let's be fair).....
You can be a close friend with a woman that has a boyfriend and just because you are a guy, it's wrong to cyber with her but yet if you are a woman it's diffent.....
It makes me wish I was'nt a man... I dream of being a woman anyway and always wished that I could change gendars. Although I don't mind being a guy, I'm being limited, treated diffent....
It sucks when your friend wants to cyber with you because she is down (and said that she will regret it and forget it later on....) but don't want to do it when she is fine because she have a boyfriend even though she has multiple female partners as well....
I have too much respect for my friends to say who it is but it hurts to be treated diffent because I'm a man..., I like to be treated equal to women....
Sometimes I feel like I'm nothing but a feel good tool to use when someone needs to feel better...... And then when it's all over with I'm tossed aside......
Some guys probably think I'm a idot and my friend may hate my guts but I have feelings.... Let's just say that I don't know what to think anymore.... I know they all care for me but I have been hurt way to much lately.....
I'm still not over last week (look at my entry for Saturday)...............
In fact lately I have been so angry that I snap easily and throw things....
MY FUCKING COMPUTER IS SO sLOW THAT IT MAKES ME WANNA THROW IT OUT THE FUCKING WINDOW!!!!!!!!!!
I'm not usaully like that (well, except the computer part but more often now).... I don't know what I'm anymore.... Sometimes, I feel like I'm not even sane anymore.....
Hell...., I need to drank to feel good..................
I may be going away for a little while.... I just hope my friends will be here when I come back..... I guess I'm a fool for admitting this.... But I really hate being a man!!!!!!!!!!!!!
And no I'm not getting a FUCKING sex change! I'm not FUCKING up my body.... I just wish there was a way to switch gendars natually.....
I Just Hate Being treated Diffent, Why Is That So Hard to Understand? -_-
(Like I said, don't say anything bad about my friends in my comments.....) You can beat me up but don't do it to them!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
And to my friend, I LOVE YOU NO MATTER WHAT AND I'LL ALWAYS STICK BY YOU. I'M SORRY ABOUT THIS I KNOW I MIGHT HAVE WENT TOO FAR.............. -_-
AND I WILL BE FUCKING BACK!!!!!!!!!!!!
DON'T ANYONE GO THINKING THAT I'M GONNA DO SOMETHING STUPID!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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COMMENTS
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PaganPrincessAdina
09:07 Apr 30 2009
i am sorry about your dad hun and i am here if you need me and i will be here when you come back ... we miss you and i know it doesn't seem like it now but it will be ok