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ryo_rolla: hi

ducks_rock_my_socks2000 : hey

ducks_rock_my_socks2000 : sup?

ryo_rolla: alot

ducks_rock_my_socks2000 : do tell

ryo_rolla: to much to tell

ducks_rock_my_socks2000 : ok

ryo_rolla: its all going to stay coiled up inside of me as it should be. i shal never reveal the secreats i keep to any one for there sake

ducks_rock_my_socks2000 : ok

ryo_rolla: is it pain i hold here, or perhaps twisted happiness... is it posible to see anouthers world or is every one oblivious to my twisted world... can people not see this pain, this anger, this sarow, this twisted fake smile, can they not see the pain that only they bring to me... is it easer just to shut it out, let the darkness have all.. can it protecte me when i need it...... why is it that when you need some one or some thing only the darkness is there to turn to.... why cant that person or thing just for once be there insted........

ducks_rock_my_socks2000 : umm

ryo_rolla: dont try to make sence of me, i dont ask that... all i ever wanted was for them to see it... for them to see the ever thing and the nothing that i am

ryo_rolla: is it the jelouscy i seek now, is that what makes me feel the way i need to feel.... is this empty ness i have from me or them... should i escape what may be hurting me or is it not hurting me just making me feel a twisted way.... is that empty feeling normal... nay it cant be for if all was as empty as i am then nothing could exist... i feel this love but not towards who i should... is that what causes my pain and emptyness... is it her or him, or posibly even my self... is this all in my head, am i creating every thing out of noting or am i creating noting out of every thing

ryo_rolla: how come i cant just always say exactly how i feel. wny must i bottle it up and wait... do i creat all this in my head... maby i only feel empty cuz i beleave there haveing a better time with out me.... i know that they can stay out for many more hours after me... im treated like a little kid and they are not... maby that is why she couldnt see me.... maby in there eyes im just a little kid to....

ducks_rock_my_socks2000 : im srry that u feel like that

ryo_rolla: i dont know how i feel.... all i can feel is this scard empty feeling... it is fear from stuff in my life... and emptyness from the things i know i miss... thoes feelings mask all others and dont let me feel how i shold

ryo_rolla: they laugh and play when im there like im not there so why dose it really matter if im there.... do they only ask me to come along because they feel it is the right thing to do

ryo_rolla: that is the emptyness

ryo_rolla: he yelled at me again... i stayed calm this time just saying plz plz just calm down.... he wouldnt listen... with every pleee i made he just grew angrer... he grabed my mouth and just told me to shut up to stop talking.... he shook my head and squeezed harder and harder... he scares me so much... the only way i know to hide this great fear i have is to be sarcastic or something.. but every thing i do just makes him mader.... i acually thought of bitting his hand... standing up and hitting him with this keybord... and when he was on the ground just kicking him saying "its not all about you eather... im a person to not just an item you own... i have a life to live and i wish to live in.. not be stoped by you" i acually thought about killing him for a second... i dont want to think that...

ryo_rolla: its not right... and she would come down from upstairs and see what i did.... she would hate me... i couldnt deal with that... so all i can do is sit back and take it... scarde to even reply to him when he is yelling at me... but even that makes him angryer

ducks_rock_my_socks2000 : who are u talking about

ryo_rolla: this is where the fear in side of me comes from the fear that masks all other feelings i should be experincing for life

ryo_rolla: one of the few people i should be able to trust... to feel safe with, scares me more than any one else on this planit... if he was a stranger i could fight back but with him all i can do is be a pupet, a rag doll for him to take his anger out on... maby he is the right one tho.. maby its all my falt... maby i cause him to act like that... he always seems to have a good reason to do what he dose... so if i go will he be a happyer person

ducks_rock_my_socks2000 : brent who are u talking about

ryo_rolla: a part of me is acually scard to say isnt that funny.... that even the darkness is scard of him.... could it be that is where i got my darkness from... i am a part of him... maby that is why it is scard of him for maby i only have a small percentage fo the darkness in me and it knows that he has so much more... is that why i fear to even mutter his tittle.... the tittle he has but dose not deserve....

ducks_rock_my_socks2000 : umm ok

ryo_rolla: i know i could fight back but he is my fau.... and i dont want to fight him.... i dont want to push back for i know he would hurt me more.... he came so close to acually hitting me tonight and that was after he griped my mouth and squeezed... i didnt say anoter word and yet he still grew angeryer

ducks_rock_my_socks2000 : o

ryo_rolla: i can still feel his hand around my mouth even tho that was 20 minits about... even now i am scarde to speak.... i want to run so badly... he even sugested that... he told me to go that it was right there... i have a car and i should just leave... i realy feel like doing it... just running away for once insted of just thinking about it...

ducks_rock_my_socks2000 : yea

ducks_rock_my_socks2000 : but where would u go

ryo_rolla: i dont know and i know that if i run the only thing that would lead to was me comeing back later and then i would get in even bigger trouble...

ducks_rock_my_socks2000 : o well if u ever do need to get away u are welcome here im here for u

ducks_rock_my_socks2000 : and u can always call me u know that right

ryo_rolla: a part of me wants just to walk out on life but the other knows that there is only a few things bad here and other than that i have it good and that others have it worse... im told that all the time but im not other people... i can only see a few good things but i notice all these bad ones

ryo_rolla: i know your there for me and i know others who are to... but i dont know if i could handle leaving

ducks_rock_my_socks2000 : i understand

ryo_rolla: i dont have the straingth to live on my own i konw that, and i dont want to experence it yet

ducks_rock_my_socks2000 : but u cant stay there if he hits u

ryo_rolla: but between the empty ness that beth and matt cause me and the fear that my fauther causes me i just dont know what to think of my twisted world any more... am i happy, i cant tell, i just dont knwo how i feel

ryo_rolla: i konw that beth and matt dont mean to cause me to feel that way but i do... beth has to know how much i care for her and how much some of the stuff she dose hurts me... iv told her but then again i have told her that im ok and that it dosnt boter me any more... but she says she is good at reading people... then cant she see the tears i shead every time i see her or even the tears i hold back... it hurts so every time i see her pon over him or run to him when my arms where already open....

ducks_rock_my_socks2000 : i know how u feel and it sucks but it will be ok in the end and as for ur dad if he hits u u really need to tell someone or leave

ryo_rolla: to day she was very upset and i wanted to comfert her and i tried i wanted to hug her and all she let me do was pat her on the back and say it was ok... i tried to let her know i was there that i wanted to hold her and let her know it was ok... but what dose she do... she waits till he arives 5 minits before class and then runs into his arms..... he isnt the one there every day before school to keep her company.... he didnt know what was going on and he couldnt help her..... i could but no she still picks him.... it just tares me up so much... i dont let them know it hurts so much... even when we are all out they act like im not even there alot of the time or some thing, like leave me out of a game there palying...

ducks_rock_my_socks2000 : maybe u should tell them then

ryo_rolla: i try but all that comes out is a sarcastic i hate u guys... then they just blow it off or make a joke out of it

ducks_rock_my_socks2000 : well then as much as i hate to say this maybe u need to distance urself from them

ryo_rolla: iv been looking for a new girl cuz i figure if i find some one else then i wont feel like i do towards her... but the thing that scars me is.. what if even when i find some one to hold on to and play with wail im with them, i steel feel the stuff for beth

ryo_rolla: but i cant distance my self cuz beth sais it would make her sad pluse i promised her that i would always be there for her even if it was just as a friend and i cant do something like just up and leave them

ducks_rock_my_socks2000 : ok then u need to sit down with her and have a one on one talk with her

ryo_rolla: i have

ryo_rolla: she just changes the subject or just donst say any thing at all and when she dose that i feel bad trying to get her to say somethign

ryo_rolla: something

ryo_rolla: all i can do is keep looking for a girl and hope it changes

ducks_rock_my_socks2000 : u have to make her see how much it hurts u

ryo_rolla: iv tried

ducks_rock_my_socks2000 : then ull have to try harder

ryo_rolla: it dosnt matter that much to her or something

ryo_rolla: i dont konw how to try harder

ducks_rock_my_socks2000 : well it sounds to me like she doesnt really care about ur feelings

ryo_rolla: i dont know if she dose or dosnt.... she says she cares about me so much and that im such a close friend.... maby it just cuz its ocuard but she dosnt let me hug her like others do or do other things with her that she even lets random guys that we just met do with her... i dont know what is going on in her head and i cant bother her with my pain cuz i know there is a lot more important things on her mind... her problems

ducks_rock_my_socks2000 : well sometimes u have to put ur problems to the side to help others

ducks_rock_my_socks2000 : i do it all the time

ryo_rolla: i see her run into lesser friends arms to say hi ... and all i can do is sit back and wonder why she dosnt do that to me

ducks_rock_my_socks2000 : well i dont know

ducks_rock_my_socks2000 : im srry but i really need to go to bed if u need anything call me on my cell phone i dont care what time it is

ryo_rolla: i wrote a poem that said every thing... it told her about what i feel when im around her and matt... it talked about her running to other friends and not me and how much pain she causes me and every thing... it hit every base... and all she could say at the end of the poem is... "i like it good job brent... you may not like your own work but good job putting your feelings on paper like that" she knew it was about her she even stoped me in the middle of it to make sure it was about her

ducks_rock_my_socks2000 : o

ryo_rolla: ill be in a better mood tomarrow and ill tell you abut the nicer things going on in my life

ducks_rock_my_socks2000 : ok and we can switch and i can tell u the bad and good things in my life

ryo_rolla: ya lol

ducks_rock_my_socks2000 : goodnight

ryo_rolla: gn

yesterday was a very nice day untill night time settled in... My friends beth and matt and I were hanging out in matts car, we all spent the night in it. We were sitting in his car watching a movie on a portable dvd player. I looked over and saw beth hugging and laying on matt. this normaly wouldnt bother me but I was feeling Really lonly and it always hurts a little when i see them together since I hooked both of them up wail I was still madly in love with her.. which i guss i still am a little but im fighting it... any way between that and talking to a nother girl named nikki who i am really starting to like but highly doubt i have a chance with, i started to grow really depressed. I had to sit there and listen to her tell me about other guys she thought was hot. I kinda just curled up in a little ball and started to cry a little when i felt him inside of me again. i could feel him like hugging me inside my mind telling me it was ok.. that he would take care of me and help the pain for a wile. Last thing i perfectly rember was telling nikki i wanted to see her then squeezing my head. i could feel the darkness inside of me takeing over again. From what beth and matt tells me i was outside in the cold dancing, singing, and ranting, they said i keept repeting the words "the tears i sheaded will never come again, the darkness coats the heart so it wont begin." in kinda of a chant. I can rember some of it now. I know it was HIM who they saw. a part of me had hoped that no one would ever have to see that side of me. altho i want to thank that demon for helping me for the world was just to much for me that night... Im a strong soul but when it comes to being alone and every thing i just cant take it some times it grows to heavy on my body.