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Tragic Emotions Swallow Me Whole05:06 Jan 10 2006
Times Read: 651
Well, tragic for me anyhow... I can't really say much, considering some people on this site know me, and there are things I just don't want anyone to find out, and other things I just don't want to sound so weak over...
Basically, These past few days have been hell. I'm not very happy at all here lately, but I guess I should have know my happiness wouldn't last for long. It never does... But, that's life! Move on I suppose. I try, but sometimes it's so hard. I'm sure a lot of people know what I'm talking about. I'm not stupid -all- the time. I know the world doesn't revolve around me, and I know that there are many people out there worse off than me, and I should just be happy with what I have. But still... It's hard. I'm trying so damn hard to be happy, and let these certain things fly over my head.
For an example, someone I care about deeply said something the other night, and I tried to act like it wasn't a big deal. I'm scared I'll screw up, and I don't want to be seen in any negative form in this person's eyes. I want to be perfect, and not fuck up, and act I should to gain approval... yet, nearly every move I make seems to be the wrong one, and I'm left angry, frustrated, distraut, and hurting, wondering why I'm so awful, asking myself what could I do to be good enough?... I'm so confused, and I don't know what to do.
I wish I knew. But I just don't understand. I used to...hurt myself. Because of the Pain. I know that's stupid and all... but it kind of helped take my mind off the emotional distress, and the physical took over. Of course, I don't do that anymore. Some people found out, and I don't want to lose any more respect or love. I guess you could say that. So, now... I just feel numb, trying to hide the feeling of my shredded, bleeding heart. Shoving my soul down into an abyss, because at times it tries to break through my barrier and I want to just burst out and cry. I feel like I'm slowly dieing inside. I'm happy most of the time with him. Unless he's unhappy with me, or just unhappy period, or when he seems to be trying to make me hurt. I don't understand why he does that. It's torture. Though he stops the dieing, he helps it along as well, but I know if he were to ever leave me, I would feel such a crumbling loss, and sense of abandonment, I'm sure that my tattered soul would be completely crushed without mercy, and my slow death would be purely the blackness void of life itself. I would be but an empty shell. No more emotions left, unless they be those of sorrow. I've gone through this pain before, and if I must die through it this time, I quit. No more love. I'm too weak. Degrade me if you will, but my fragile heart can take no more of it. I don't want to suffer anymore. I will let death take me with open arms to my freshly dug grave, hoping to find some sort of sanctuary there.
This is my last time to try at happiness.
If it doesn't work out with him...
If he doesn't want me....
If he ends up leaving me....
I don't want anymore relationships.
I'm tired, and restless, and depressed.
Maybe that's what brought this on.
Sorry to whomever actually read through my ramble of saddness. I guess I'm just having a depressive mood swing. *sighs*
I really hope everything works out. I love him, and I hope he does truely love me back. And I hope we are together forever.
I hope he never leaves me...
And I wish him to be always honest and open with me.
I'll stop now. I probably need to get to bed.
G'Nite.
Best Regards,
-Jay-
Update: 2/20/06
I didn't want any relationships, yet circumstances changed and twisted in a way I didn't believe they could or even would. The one I loved from even before this is now back in my life. Derick. And now I am happy. Love at last that doesn't come with searing pain.
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