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Anyone wanna send me a bottle of vodka? It would certainly help dull both mine and his pain. His pain surges through me.



I’ve tried to cut our link but it seems to keep knitting itself back together even with a visualization of cauterization and not without consequence. As the link heals I am hit with his feelings.



I know why you’re in pain. I just wish I hadn’t been so stupid to feed off you in the first place. Our link was instantaneous and has caused nothing but pain for me.



My mystery vampire is helping me where he can but even he cannot keep it up for long periods. I’ve nicknamed him Thor. I’m not sure why. But hey I don’t make the rules. All I know is that things just pop into my head.

I feel a little strange right now. I feel nothing at all. It's been a while since I achieved complete neutrality. It's not really peaceful. Just weird really.



We had our studio internal comp tonight. Tango and Cha Cha. He told me I had danced the best I had ever danced. My response was "Okay, I'm going to faint now."



I had been focusing so intensely during the dancing that I think I must have done something to my emotional core. I probably switched it off simply by channeling all my thoughts into being as perfect as I could be. Weird how that happens sometimes.



It usually only happens after I've been through some sort of trauma. I guess what I did could count as a form of trauma. My nerves were shot through after dancing tango, particularly in a corset.

I felt it again. The presence that invades my mind. He keeps warning me to be ready for what is coming. That it may not be what I wanted.



He drained me then fed me to bond us together. Immediately I noticed my sense of smell increase. I could smell the chocolate from the woman sitting four metres away from me. Something is happening to me. I’m not sure if I’m scared. No scratch that I think I am scared. I’m frightened. But not of the presence, of what is happening to me.



My vampirism has only begun to be a source of distress. I was not scared when I awoke. In fact I welcomed it. It was a welcome change to my life after my fiancé passed. I gained a mentor and a friend in my dear Lucian. I realized that what made me different was what made me strong.



He says I should know who he is, that he is someone close to me. But for now his name doesn’t matter. That something is coming and I will need to make a choice about what I really want. I can feel him. His presence is comforting.



God….help me.

It’s just after 7.30 AM here and pouring rain. I’m still in bed after an early breakfast and have one more day until I have to go back to work. Really enjoying just lying in bed knowing that I don’t have to go anywhere. Usually on a Saturday morning which is when everyone else is asleep I am up getting ready for dance practice.



I had a dream again that I was going back to high school. I’ve had that dream so many times. I wonder if it’s my sub conscious telling me that I’m still learning. I also keep dreaming that I’m going back to my part time job which was just working at the local supermarket. This one always weirds me out considering that I’ve worked full time in finance for over five years now.



Speaking of my job I miss the guys I work with. They’re the ones who have kept me sane through the events of last week. We’ve worked together for about a year now. We laugh together, take the piss out of each other and work our asses off.



I’ll be back in the studio tomorrow. God I miss him so much. I won’t be there long. Just need to grab my dance shoes to head out to another studio. Probably enough time for him to ask me if I’m okay. I’ll lie as always and say yes. Isn’t it a strange thing to not say how you really feel to the person you care about the most? Humans are strange.

Feeling like I need to write again and just get everything off my chest.



You ever feel like you don’t have many people you can talk to? I can’t even bring myself to tell my closest friend that I’m in love again. Why? I don’t know. I guess I’m ashamed of it. Falling in love with someone I can’t have. I shouldn’t be. I know that love is a wild unpredictable force that can strike at any moment. It’s something I can’t control.



On a more positive note I’m starting to remember how to choreograph again but not in ballroom or in latin but contemporary/modern dancing. I used to love creating a dance out of thin air. I was pretty good at it too. I guess once I found the right music and relearned to love the thing I thought I hated it came back to me. This was the song that influenced me. It heavily samples Lost Carol from Silent Hill 3.



https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V_0czOCrfjc



Choreographing in a contemporary style is how I used to work through my feelings. It helped when my grandmother died as well as dealing with some romantic issues. Dancing is how I expressed what I couldn’t say in words.



On other points I did go dancing last night with Cheshire. We hit up the Bachata festival first and then went to a Salsa club afterwards. Wonderful night where I also bumped into another dancing friend of mine who has just opened his own studio. Let’s call him Chrono.



Chrono’s salsa skills are still light years ahead of mine but he always made me feel amazing when I danced with him. Of course he initially led me into a waltz as he knew about my issues with my current dance instructor and I grinned and told him he was a smartass.



It was fun just dancing for the sake of dancing. No worrying about my posture or head positioning. I just danced. Bachata, salsa, merengue and anything that could work on a crowded dance floor.

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EvilHalloween
15:17 Apr 24 2011

I know how you feel I love to dance but no one to dance with my boyfriend lives far away right now so I cant dance with him but I dance in my living room some times good music well being in love with someone you can't have well been there too it hurts a lot about 5 years ago i had that happen to me until I met the one i,m with now so it worked out i hope you get though it and if you ever want to chat message me any time if i,m not on leave a message so I wish you a

Happy Easter (Hugs)

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Ah here we are agai. Aneishka (Yes not my real name) is philosophising once more.



A few years I ago I wrote a blog piece called ‘There is No Spoon’. And yes I am a fan of the Matrix but it came back to choice. The Merovingian himself said that there is no such thing as choice. Only causality. Action, Reaction. Cause and Effect.



If you think about some of the choices you made how much of those were based on something you actually decided and how much of it was decided based on factors beyond your control?



Okay here’s an example: I went to a chocolate café for “dinner”. Why? It’s the favoured hangout for students at my dance studio. Why? Because I started the tradition? Why because someone else took me there once? Why because they like chocolate? Why because we’re women and that’s what we like. I could go on and on about this but you get the point.



This week I had two fights with my dance teacher. The second resulting from the first. How did this start? Let’s work backwards.



Event 4: You tell me I don’t trust you. I go home in tears after I only wanted to try to sort things out.



Event 3: You tell me if I don’t think you’re trying your best for me then I should find a new teacher after I ask shouldn’t we be working on our tango?



Event 2: My progress check which I got after I said I didn’t feel like I knew where I was at.



Event 1: I argue with you about doing my grading exam and not knowing where I am. A progress check is suggested.



He is right. I do have trust issues. The problem is that I don’t trust others easily. I was building it up and I have to do this slowly. I have been fucked around so many times so I have to be careful. If he had played his cards right and just simply asked if I could trust him a little more none of this probably would not have happened. Again things that weren’t beyond my control.



And now? Even though I said to you we were okay I’m still on edge. You broke whatever it was I had with you. And I don’t know if I can put that back together.



I remember after event 4 you asked me if you could call me. I said no. The whole day I could feel your stress, your pain, your regret and eventually I wished you would pick up that phone and dial my number…



Yes I’m complicated. I’m a woman. Deal with it.



You said as you wrapped your arms around me from behind (good lord that sounds dirty) that you had wanted to call me. You had wanted to call me all day. You told another person that you loved me. That you were worried that things still weren’t right. They’re still not and it’s going to take time to fix it. I hope something like this doesn’t happen again.



Where am I going with this? Well I’ve heard it said that you can’t choose who you love but you can choose who you trust. I think that’s only half true. I will choose to trust someone who hasn’t intentionally let me down or fucked me over. But I can’t control the actions of another person. I can’t help not placing my trust in you too quickly because of what’s happened in the past.



In short only half or maybe even less is actually my choice.

Yeah so it's been a shite week. Dance teacher and I are still at each other's throats and last night after a particularly heated argument I went home fighting back tears until I reached my bed where I broke down, screamed, cried and wanted to kill myself.



I was drifting off to sleep when I felt an immense wave of love and peace come over me. I knew it wasn't from me. I think another vampire has been watching over me.



I heard him in my head. I keep hearing him. He says I should know who he is and the events of this week are a precursor to something happening. Something that I think that I want but it won't turn out to be what I thought it was.



Either way I'm curious. This has happened before. He has fed me in time of need but I don't know who he is. I wish I could get a glimmer of his face.

You said that if I didn’t think you were trying hard enough for me that I should find a new teacher. And all I could say was “I never said that.”



It would have been more accurate to say that it wasn’t what I was thinking. I wasn’t thinking that at all. But you never asked. You just assumed that you knew what was going on in my head.



It saddens me to think that you believe I have such a low opinion of you. Haven’t I stuck by you for the last nine months even when you hurt me before this? Haven’t I pushed myself so hard for you I collapsed?



I know what you want. You want the best dancers. You think I can be one of those girls. But I’m not sure what I want. I just know that I dance because I love it. I’m not in it for glory. I do this because dancing is like breathing for me. But that’s not what you want for me and it never has been. So where do we go from here?



I want to leave. I’ve tried so many times to summon the courage to tell you I’m not coming back. How much more will I take from you? How many more times will we hurt each other before I realize enough is enough.

After a morning where I was filled with the most intense sadness I've felt in a while I've had a wonderful night.



I attended the Distant Worlds concert at the Sydney Opera House. The Sydney Symphony Orchestra performed music from the Final Fantasy Series. Arnie Roth conducted it. He’s one cool dude



I love music. It’s one of my passions. And I love Final Fantasy. Well except for 11-13. 13 was one of the most pretentious games I have ever played. Great music though.



Throughout the night I was reduced to tears from the beauty of the music. Not full blown crying but during To Zanarkand I had tears streaming down my face. Thank god it was dark in the auditorium.



Nobuo Uematsu came up for the final piece and sang with the choir for One Winged Angel, his most famous piece. The crowd went wild. It was amazing that music could unite a group on strangers like that.



After the concert I met up with Tink for Mamuk and coffee in Chinatown where we talked for two hours until I had to leave to avoid missing the last train. Now I’m home and it’s nearly 3 am. Time to get some sleep.

Okay seriously I have had this shit.



I have worked my ass off in that studio for months!!!! He has driven me to the point of collapse and the brink of my sanity. I don’t think I can contain my anger for much longer.



He claims he cares about me but he ignores me. He claims I’m an awesome dancer but consistently holds me back. He gives someone who just walked in the door two months ago all this advanced tech that she doesn’t deserve. She’s the shiny new toy. She doesn’t even enjoy waltz or tango for Christ’s sake.



I’m am an inch from telling him to go fuck himself and walk out of that place. Why do I stay there? What the hell is wrong with me? Oh that’s right. I’m in love with him. But even if he did return those feelings I would never be secure. I would never be happy. I would always be paranoid about who the next girl would be? Who will be the shiny new toy? I was that for quite a while. Guess I’m not as interesting as I once was.

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Angelus
23:49 Apr 15 2011

sounds like you're being played reading through these entries.

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Power. Funny how can you can get it from such a little piece of information.



I feel scared, threatened. I can’t tell him. How could I? He’ll tell me I brought it upon myself. How can I continue going there? How can I be there by his side knowing what they’re really like?



But then again they came to me because they’re scared. Why else would they? I know something they want protected. Can I turn fear into power? Do I have the right to do this? Could it go backwards on me?



I need to state my position. I need to make it clear. I need to show them that I won’t be afraid. That I am the one with power. And that they will regret threatening me in the first place.



They really did pick the wrong vampire to mess with.

Surely the definition of teamwork includes making sure you do your damn work instead of making your team pick up the slack for you?

So one of my favourite teachers at the school I dance at resigned and my darling dance instructor informed me he might be opening his own studio within twelve months. I know why he told me.



1. He trusts me



2. He wants me with him when he does this. He knows he has my loyalty. He knows I would not have another instructor.



On the vampire side of things since I’ve learned how to actually feed properly (after five years go figure) a few interesting occurrences have…. occurred.



If I feed before I go to bed the next day I usually wake up with more energy than ever before, my vision is temporarily enhanced and my sense of smell seems to have increased somewhat.



My link to him has become more intense. I can feel his emotions when they surge and become strong. They hit me like thunderbolts and it frightens me. They cause me pain.



But what can I do? This is my fault. I brought this upon myself. I broke our laws and must bear the consequences of my actions. Every action has a price. That is the lesson.

It came up again today with my dance teacher. That same bloody question I keep throwing at him.



"When can I take my grading exam?"



His answer?



"When you're ready."



He explained why he was holding me back. I know why he's doing it. I understand and love him for caring enough to do this. But my impatience is one of my biggest faults. I love dancing and I want to be amazing. He wants me to be amazing. He has admitted that I am one of the better students of my level.



But he wants to keep me at this level while he builds on my technique. I know I'm not stagnating. But I'm bored. I want more material, more school figures to learn.



It was never like this when I danced as a child. My teacher then never really pushed me as hard. Although I can't blame her. She had over forty students then and over a hundred now. I suppose what she taught me what the memorization of patterns and choreography which has gotten me a fairly long way. But now he's holding the keys and I have to get through him before I go to the next level.

This is an amazing song by Sarah Bettens that I thought I would share with you all.



https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y2zRaSeG5g0



It's really hitting my mood at the moment. Particularly this part:



I can see myself

I look peaceful and pale

But underneath I can barely inhale

Oh god I can feel it. He is coursing through me. Every few seconds surges of emotion hit me.



Sometimes I swear I can smell cigarette smoke even when there is none around. It's the way he smells a lot of the time. That rather delicate mix of cologne and cigarettes. It's unmistakeably him.

I just had a rather random experience as a psy. I fed and I think I may have actually fed properly and deeply this time. Something was different. I felt so warm on the inside like I had my own internal heater. I could actually feel my own aura.