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It's a strange sensation when the hunger sets in and takes over.



I become a predator, a wolf in sheep's clothing. Everything else is secondary. And the things that meant a great deal to me like shoes, clothes, fancy toys are suddenly meaningless.



I feel like I don't care about humans. Like I'm better than them. Horrible I know but this is what it's like.



All that's left is the urge to feed and the will to survive. That's when I realize that I am truly different. I will never belong even though I can blend in. It's a powerful feeling.

Some days are great. Some days are going to suck.



Some days are a mix of both. Today was one of those days.



Sometimes no matter what you do or how careful you think you're being you might fuck up even if you didn't mean to. All you can do is pick up the pieces of your dignity & pride and move on. Then you never let yourself be hurt again by that.



Sometimes people overreact. Sometimes you can piss them off when it wasn't your intent. It can't be helped.



I guess all I can do is distance myself and carry on. That's what I intend to do.

So I tore my hip flexor last night. How? I sat down on a couch and pain ripped right through my left hip.



So it was probably just overuse that was the underlying cause but Vergil has benched me until next Friday. My lessons have been cancelled. Yes I know this is a good thing that I am resting but it sucks. I live for this.



Last year when I sprained my ankle I was off for a week and a half. It was awful. I missed dancing so much. When I returned I was so happy. I didn’t want any injuries again because the thought of not dancing was hell.



To be honest I had been wondering when dancing six times a week was going to catch up with me. I knew that something was going to give eventually. It’s usually these little feelings of mine that turn out to be true.



So no lessons until Winter Ball when I was scheduled to perform a waltz. Now it will have to be tango and that means no corte and no cambios as to not aggravate the hip. Doing a tango without corte is like trying to replace racing horses with racing cows. Utterly boring and pointless.



I know what the consequences will be if I don’t take it easy. The tear is a grade 1 tear which means I still have full mobility of my hip. It’s on par with a mild ankle sprain. If I push it I could destroy my hip and I won’t be able to dance.



I’ve been using energy to heal which I’ve had some success with. Most of the pain is gone but there is a lot of stiffness. My physio is going to have fun trying to fix this. I imagine there will be a lot of stretching, deep heat, massage and electricity involved. Yes electricity. It's a strange form of therapy but it's worked for previous injuries.

So Pixie (another ballroom friend) and I did something interesting tonight. We took a breakdancing class. It’s been a while since I’ve felt like a complete novice at a dance style. I enjoyed every second of it.



It’s a lot work. A lot of the advanced moves rely on having a strong core and upper body strength. But I was able to actually pull some moves off towards the end. I’m definitely going to give it another try.



Next week however will be burlesque classes.



Before I took off for breakdancing I went to the studio. It’s Thursday here. As from previous entries Vergil usually doesn’t work Thursdays due to studies but it’s semester break here so he’s in the studio.



I collapsed on the couch half asleep. A hand touches my leg. I gasp quietly and my eyes fly open. I sit up. Vergil leans down and practically has me nuzzling his neck….and that is the last time I use that word in a sentence.



I wonder how you can be that close to someone without sleeping with them. Either I’m being played or there’s something more there that he won’t admit to. I’ve never been sure of anything with him. But I always get the feeling there’s something he wants to say but he can’t.



I’m not an overly romantic person. I go with my instincts and I’m usually pretty good with understanding someone’s intentions. I know when someone’s being a suck up and trying to flatter my ego. I know when I can’t trust someone.



But him? He’s a different beast altogether. He doesn’t hold back with criticism. He doesn’t try to ‘blow smoke up my ass’. He pushes and he pushes hard.



At the same token he doesn’t know how to talk to me. I’ve seen him have long conversations with others and yet we can barely find anything to talk about half the time. I don’t know how to talk to him either. It’s like we’re trying to find anything to talk about. Anything except what we’re really feeling. Fighting so hard to cover the cracks, to cover the angst in his voice when we’re separated for so long or when we’ve been fighting and we’re breaking each other a little more every time.



Once the competition is over in October I’m taking time off. I’m going to go to another studio for lessons while I sort whatever it is in my head out. I’m going to figure out what it is what I really want.



And that is always the hardest thing to find.

So Vergil and I sorted out our misunderstanding. At first I thought he was going to avoid it but he apologized and we continued on.



It got me thinking that Vergil and I are very alike. We both trained as dancers from a very early age (although he started as a ballroom dancer and I started in jazz/tap/contemporary/modern). We both stopped at around the same ages roughly and then eventually came back to dancing and fell completely in love with it.



Our personalities are similar. We both like almost the exact same music, tv shows and movies. We have similar personality quirks and horrible tempers.



In short he is my male counterpart.



But does this similarity mean we both can never really get along? I only question it because my closest friends are extremely different from me. The only people other than Vergil that I fight with are my family, particularly my mother. Half of my traits are hers and the other half are my fathers.



Other things I’ve been questioning are to what end is Vergil training me? Almost a year ago he told me he wanted to turn me into a real dancer. I didn’t know what that meant then and I still don’t. I have a feeling if I asked Vergil I don’t think I would get a straight answer.



Girls like me, Valkyrie, Lollie and Grace are the ones he trains the hardest. We’re the most talented of his girls. But to what end? Is he training us to be professional dancers? It feels like it sometimes.



I’m not even sure if I want this. But day by day I am more obsessed with dancing. Day by day I push myself so I can be by his side, so I can be what he wants. It’s fucking stupid I know but without it I have nothing that I’m passionate about. I don’t care about much else.

“You see Twitchy when life hands you lemons you make lemonade.”



“And then that lemonade ferments, bitters and turns to pig swill.”



Yeah that was my night in a nutshell. It started off great. Found out we met our sales target and providing there aren’t any too big a corrections I should be getting a bonus soon.



Had fun at the studio. Had a great group class and a great lesson with Vergil in which we did some amazing waltz.



We had fun at the party. Until I actually got to dance with Vergil and I jokingly said he didn’t know me as well as he thought he did.



He stormed off the dance floor sputtering that he was trying to tell me he knew in a professional sense or something like that but I got the impression he was trying to say something else. Like he really wanted to let something slip but he couldn’t. He was very upset.



Tickles offered to say something to him. I told her if she thought it would help to go for it.



I’m confused and a little upset myself. I wasn’t meaning to make him upset. We joke around all the time so it’s a little unclear as to where the boundaries are with us anymore.



I don’t like doing that. I’m not a cruel person. Okay I can be a bitchy sometimes but I’m a woman. It happens. However I never go out of my way to be deliberately cruel to someone.



So I left early. About forty minutes before it finished. I have a lesson tomorrow morning. Yeah this should be fun….



Whatever. Men…can’t live with them. Can’t….yeah can’t live with them.