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I've got work to do and can't think straight. If you wanted to help you would have taken my damn phone with you.



Js.

I knew I shouldn't have done it. I certainly don't think I'm going to be able to force out any answers that you're not willingly ready to give. That wasn't even my intention in contacting you. I simply wanted to apologize. For things I've said and things I've done, but really mostly just my words.



I use them as a weapon, as you use your lack there of, and I try to protect myself from whatever intruder is trying to harm my inner solace. That's what I go into it thinking anyway. But it's like a vicious circle, and in anything that I have heavy emotions invested in, well - by the time my ranting and raving is over I've usually worked myself past the original emotion, through another, and finally unto a sense of self worth. "I'll be ok. I'm stronger than him. I've always been there and this is all I've ever gotten. I told him how I feel and was still able to work in my underhanded bitch. I told him about himself, and in the process probably stung him a little, so now he'll see how hurt I am." or when I'm at my very worst, to be totally honest….. "I hurt him. He'll see what he's done to me through the pain I try to cause him"



But as I've said before, no matter what I do or what I say, I regret it. Nothing more than the last line. You've told me things, opened up some to me, and for the love of everything holy I'd give my right arm to be able to remember (or to have saved) everything you ever said. But I'm not a computer, a Dictaphone or a damn parrot. I don't know what happened, I can't even remember if I felt like what you told me was everything or not… or if there was more somewhere in there.



I do know, I know for sure, that in the midst of some of my worst anger I try to rationalize you. I give myself some logical explanation for why you do the things you do, say (or DON'T SAY) the things you say, why I can't have you, why I feel like I have never ever been good enough for you. Well in this process, the only logical place in my mind I can go to is your past. That's got to be it. It can't be me right? I really am a good girl. I try anyway. I know I make mistakes and lose my temper, I know I yell and kick and scream, I know I don’t have the perfect body or perfect face. But I'd be there for you. I'd give you everything I had just to know that you'd be okay. I'd love you for you, nothing more and nothing less. I'd stand by you and be your biggest supporter, cheering you on as you conquer goals in life that I oh so hope you do (though as conflicting as my thoughts are, somewhere in my mind I have no doubt in you whatsoever…. In a very small far off hidden place anyway). I'd never cheat. I never have. Not even when I wasn't happy and with an asshole. I just wanted to make that relationship work. I wanted to make him happy.



Then I met you. Just your actions to others showed me I was somewhere I needed to run away from as quick as I could. I was too good to accept the way I was being treated, and I could really do better. Women really can be treated like queens - and in return maybe I could get what I always thought I deserved. And if some cunt could be treated like that than surely there was someone out there for me. I looked and looked and looked. Pushed all thoughts of you away. Tried to literally make myself like others. But it always came back to you. You were the one who made me light up when I saw you. You were the one who made my heart race. You were the one I could never say no to. You were the one I pulled my hand away from because I knew you were in a relationship. I didn't want to be on the side as a tryst. I wanted to be yours. And if that wasn't possible, I surely couldn't hold your hand and still have my sanity intact the next day.



I needed to show you I was strong. I could wait for you. I didn't need someone with a girlfriend - I didn't want someone with a girlfriend. If I wouldn't do it I didn't think you should either.



I could just be your friend until you saw how great I was… right?



Well this is where we are today. And while I feel I've grown tremendously in some areas, I feel in others I still wither away inside, curl up into a fetal position and pray for God to just take my pain away. Just make it better. Make me better.



But that doesn't happen. I've never woken up one day to be "saved", ready to conquer the world with God guiding me on the right path. Don't get me wrong, I have faith and I pray. But there's yet to be a miraculous preacher to touch my head and all the sudden my world is a better place. Could be because I don't go to churches like that, being that if any man claiming to have the power of God in him told me he was giong to "save me".. And then proceeded to push my head down rather than touch me and I just fall to the ground, well me and a priest would have some issues. So I don't go try to be "saved". I don't go talk to community elders for wise words of wisdom. I sure as fuck don't talk to my parents.



I try to figure it out on my own.. I do the best I can. Of course I have my dear wifey by my side, who I'm sure by now I'd be dead without. Literally.. Killed from an internal combustion of the brain. Wires fried. Rubble everywhere. Pieces of gray matter that I'd have hoped made it to your porch step.



But this is where I am. This is where I stay. Alone, in my mind, to work out things yet again. Did I not say what you wanted to hear? Not do what you'd liked me to have done? Because I'm not a mind reader. I told you, I try my best. I tried to laugh, but how do I do that when all I want to do is cry? I tried to smile, but how does that happen when in my mind all I'm thinking is hold me. Love me. Just wrap your arms around me for a little while, I don't even care if it's fake. Just pretend. Just stay here with me and pretend for a little while, make me feel safe and loved for just a minute. Please.



Smile through that? Well I tried. I sure wasn't going to take the possibility of rejection, because most of those requests were on the very tip of my tongue last night. Then I decided, when I felt like there was a possibility of being mocked or laughed at for asking you to hold me, that I sure knew you'd fuck me.



And that was enough. Just to have your touch for a little while, and your smell as I cried myself to sleep. I should be happy that you gave me that, right?



And then there's always this.

Maybe if I put all the energy into myself that I put into you, i could figure out what the fuck is wrong me to think like that in the first mother fucking place!



btw.. This is me not cursing. Doing a good job huh..

I feel so sick. How many are there? How many have there been?



How could we ever work? :(



How would it even be possible to change such a large part of your life?



End all the things that allow you to stay away from me, to never return to their seductive words?



I know you. You'll always be watching.. Probably to surface once more.



Not even your own cinema could reign your add in :((

Nosey bitches. Stay off my shit. ©



I sure don't read yours (or yours or yours or yours...)

Mind warp. Holy shit. That's one way to get caught.

Funny story. I was on my way home for the three hour car ride that turned into five, and was kind of expecting a really bad trip. Ups and downs though, ya know.



Hmm.. Well to tell this story effectively I'll give you a little background information.



The thing is, i can remember the most random of facts - but this in itself bothers me. I want to remember it all. So, i reread things. I go back to things, many many times, to the point where these obsessions really do become unhealthy I'm sure. Its not like i'm just a complete nutcase... There's method also. I like to be able to recall all facts, phrasings, perceived attitudes or tones, etc. The point isn't to catch it at first glance. I go back, analyze, and form opinions; many different opinions so i'm not caught off guard by the impending outcome. This takes time, and it's when i don't have a phone or computer screen in front of me, and you notice me sitting quietly, that's when you should possibly start worrying - maybe start working your own wheels.



That's not my point though. On this car ride from hell, i expected to pull out the books and images of my soul. I mean really put it all out on the forefront of my mind and think about things. All the questions (answered or unanswered) that plague me like they do. Go over things again and again to try and see something i missed. This didn't happen though. Not even after forcefully pushing upon myself thoughts of this or that. No, just a dream came to mind over and over and over again. That is what now has me spinning.



I had it maybe three weeks ago, can't really be sure. I told my dear wifey about it right away though. It threw me off guard, seeing as how i'd finally been able to force the dreams of you away just a few months earlier.



Me and a few of my friends (or relatives, i can't remember who) were in what seemed like an empty high school. I was scared to death, and yes, there were vampires chasing us.. Don't make fun, i have nightmares rarely, and i don't have the option to choose them.



Anyway, you came and saved me. That's the only clear part of the dream i remember. Well, there were three clear, very vivid parts i recall. You saved me. You held me for what seemed like forever as soon as everything was over with. Then you asked me on a date.



I wonder if dreams really do come true..

What if i couldn't take it? What if it was too much? My choices are to let it sink in and get over it or just be done?



I feel really sick.

there are often times i have no fear. There's no room for that with all the other emotions i have going on.



But sometimes, very rarely, you scare the fuck out of me.

I woke up this morning, collected my thoughts, and said how i felt.



After avoiding profiles/journals for a while lately due to nausea, i looked around there also.



Interesting. Even more so now.

I don't need your pity or your handouts. I'm a big girl and everyday i wake up and put on my corresponding panties. I may slip up some times.. Trip over them and fall maybe. But i have a reason to get up everyday. A driving force that won't allow me self pity (or won't allow it to take over I'll say).



I'm not going to die. Maybe I'll feel as if my heart was ripped out, weak and twitching in your hands, but how's that new? I'm not going to go cut myself. I'm going to get out of bed and get dressed and try to smile. I'm going to attempt to make my surroundings somewhere where i want to be, even if it takes work. Im not going to get on the internet and beg and plead for some kind stranger to come out of the shadows and save me.. Make my world a better place simply by saying that's what it will be. Giving me an opinion that hasn't crossed my mind in the sleepless nights or daunting hours of the day that Im left alone w my own thoughts.



I'm not going to call you crying. Beg for your sympathy. I'm not going to make the bottom of whatever alcohol bottle i find be my new best friend. This is now my best friends method of destruction, and i certainly won't be going down that road.



I took on enough when i took on you.



My problems aren't tumultuous. I mean maybe some can be construed that way, but really, I'll survive. Always have. At times it just gets really hard, i get weak and reach out in hopes for some far off dream of neverland i can't seem to shake. But these traits just make me human, no more or less than you.



But I'm a diamond. And i won't be thrown in the well with your stones to be lost, hidden by a veiled group of crows with blood thirsty beaks.



I'll be a big girl today. I'll smile and pretend it's okay. I'll try to hide my lip quivering when i don't catch my thoughts in time to control my emotions. I'll tell everyone Im fine and resist the urge to ring the necks of the incompetent inept ignorant drunk cry baby fucks in the world around me.



I'll just get through today and hope that i wake up tomorrow and have the ability to try again.

COMMENTS

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babybuns
20:48 Jul 28 2012

I accidentally deleted the comment.. But thanks

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POST COMMENT

I didn't care what it was.. Ever. I just wanted to be there when you needed me. I would have done anything to make you happy.



Where are you now? You're not the only one w struggles. Instead of helping me, you play. You indulge in your own desires and toy with mine. When i need you, are you here to help? Ever? All i'd ask for is your shoulder.. Seems I'm not even worth that.



For stones.

From the beginning I've never understood why it's ok for u to have me while u continue w all the "ALL".



I couldn't fathom such a thing.



And u call me back here, feed me the answers i seek (in doses and of course only what u want to disclose).. And u still have ur band of faithful whores. Idc about the past ones, but really.. Still present? After all the bs and all the pain, Im here again w others? I mean i knew this, but to sit back and watch it play out is a bit much.



Completely sickening actually. Ur loyalty lies to urself, ur own wants and needs. Can u ever share a life w someone when this is how u live? Doesn't seem plausible to me.



Well, maybe that doesn't matter. What's plausible to me may not matter here. It surely hasn't so far.



But I'll tell u what.. I don't play well w others. And my fucking anger will find an outlet, deserving or not!

You've asked me more than once as to why i love you, and since that's what's on my mind tonight i hope you're okay with me sharing.



I love you because you're beautiful (corny for a man of ur stature? Idc, bc it's true).

I love you because you're funny (by funny i mean hilarious).

Your intelligence keeps me on my toes (by intelligence, i mean genius).

You're strong, you're hard, and you're manly.

Yet, you're tender and sensitive, with a hint of forgiveness that pulls even the most unpleasant of truths out of me.

You're sweet, and sinful, all at the same time.

You have eyes that speak to depths of me that i didn't know existed until now.

You're kind, loving, and caring (even if you didn't want me to see that, i did).

You're determined, goal-oriented, and willing to succumb to the greater good if need be.

You're a man of genuine character (i know what I've said before, but we both know this was out of anger, which brings me to my next point..)

You know my anger is temporary and regrettable, while you know my love is unending.

You get me.

When you don't get it, you take the time to understand and sympathise (though i don't understand your own actions).

You give me just enough of what i want at just the right time to prevent me from truly going bonkers, but keeping me guessing and intrigued all along.

You are so sexy.

You're the only person who makes me want to do better just by being in your presence.

Did i mention the sex? Bc it's great. No i'm sorry, phenomenal. Absolutely the best I've ever had, to the point where i didn't realize such highs were humanly possible without drugs.



I love You.



It's just that simple. I wouldn't, i couldn't give up on you if i wanted to. I am yours. I'm here because i chose to be here.



This is where you are.. What can i say?



I hope you realize, no matter what happens or where we go from here, i love you more than life itself. And no one can ever take that from you, not even i could have changed it

Because i'm sorry..

COMMENTS

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Tangerine
17:41 Jul 25 2012

WTF is wrong with you. STOP apaologizing for other douche bags fuck ups.

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babybuns
19:46 Jul 25 2012

Bite me.



I'll do what i want!

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POST COMMENT

No matter what i do.. No matter what i say.. How innocent or how laced w disdain it may be, i always fucking regret it. Always.



Second guessing every move i make has become my world w you.



Does that make you happy? That i feel like all blame and all the problems rest on my shoulders?? Because u did that. U taught me that all my actions have consequences, that when i do what's wrong u teach me what's right.



So please tell me, ease my brainwashed mind, and tell me what i did wrong this time.

"That can't eat, can't sleep, reach for the stars, over the fence, World Series kind of stuff."

Have u ever been called a bully? You know, the kind that picks and picks and picks until the girls gone mad? What about the kid who tortures animals for fun, continuing to poke at their lifeless bodies long after they've died? How about the little boy watching the powerless little insects squirm under his sunlight?



No no. Not one of these will suffice. You, my dear, are one in a billion. Trillion. Gazillion.



There. Is. No. Comparison.

idk why i ever waste my time seeking truth, when i've always always always known how much you detest it.

I don't think this is a game, and although it may appear that way to some, this isn't the case. I'm not laughing. I don't enjoy this. I'm beat down and broken.

You've sparked my interest only for me to return to this God forsaken website once more. A portal into your mind maybe? Sounds like a dark and scary place to me, but after thinking it through, I still choose to enter.

I want to know your reasoning and hear what you have to say. I want to understand you.



I want you to make me understand.

People have seriously got some shit fucked up. Including you... you multiple personality multiple profile nut. Why do you want to make me crazy??? Really.. I'd like an honest answer. THIS ISN"T A GAME!! Consider me one of those people who will just never understand. You hurt me to make me happy? Push me down to bring me back up? After all these years, that's what you say?? With a list of qualities and attributes that I have yet to see one of.. excluding fucking patience. Well thanks... one who thinks he's God.... I'm glad your calculated little plan was so important to you. I think it ruined us.



And to you... you know-nothing twit. Shut up. You don't know who I am, you don't know who he is... and you probably don't realize that you're talking to more than one of his personalities.