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I'm surprised by all the like and comments but this isn't about media popularity. its about writing out what I feel inside cause if I don't ill explode. I haven't written in a diary for 3 years and its unhealthy for me. writing just lets it all out. its also to tell my story so people who have gone thro what ive gone thro realizes theyre not alone! I could write in a notebook but I really don't want to waste money on that. and everyone on here has been so positive so I keep writing, last night was awful my husband controlled the very words that come out of my mouth. he slapped me about ten times. tried to put me out 3 times. and my head was hit so hard I don't even remember what the fight was about. it scares me I cant remember, what if I have brain damage? I need prayers of protection. also prayers my husband comes to know the lord. it seems a lost cause but god works in mysterious ways. had a girl claim I'm not Christian on facebook and I just exclaimed to her I'm a fuck up and if shes gone thro half of what ive gone thro she would understand. I haven't lost my faith! I'm just lost wondering why god wont protect me or answer me. I'm trying to reconnect with him. had people defend me on line tho. telling her theres no reason to attack me. am thankful for that. also wish my life wasn't so revolved around social media. its really an addiction. JD and I were cuddling tonight and I'm glad but also very confused of our relationship confused of my feelings for him

I am glad to have met people on here! people who are much like me. so I finally watched suicide squad. I think my relationship is a lot like joker and Harley except we don't get along that well. when we have our crazy spurts its when were argueing and throwin hands. so its not as romantic when were crazy. ive been very sad of how my relationship is now. I wish it could be better but I don't know how to help it. I started reading my bible again and dancing in the moonlight and thanking the full moon aka artemis for not giving up on me. I need to be who I really am. I'm not some tough ghetto chick I'm a fairy lol I like to dance to classical music in a beautiful dress. it will get better if I stay true to myself

where do I even start? I had a sign from artemis. it was a full moon I went outside feeling sad and then the street light went out by itself... I lifted my hands to the moon and danced in the grass - finally remembering who I am and what I have to live for. when I went back inside the street light turned back on . my aunt chewed me out last night about my husband I made a post not even about him and she is trying to convince me that he poisons my cats and hes poisoning me lol I think she had too much to drink but she was cussing me out making me feel like shit. I understand being upset that your neice Is going thro abuse but making her feel bad about it and feel like shit is a terrible thing to do. you should be there for her not making her regret the day she was born. yes my husband was awful to me but calling him a waste of space and piece of shit is hurting me not him. I love him and I don't believe in that. no matter how terrible you are you are not a waste of space. you are alive for a reason and you must follow the light to fulfill that purpose. I love Jerald and hes helped me out a lot recently. my friends all turned on me creating drama I have no part in and my job sucks and my cats died and Jerald has been there to make me feel better. he bought me a new cat one that older and vaccinated. it means so much to me considering how he hates cats.

today was another shitty day. my husband still kept ignoring me, not wanting to do anything with me even though its our two year anniversary of bein together. I think back on when we got together and I just feel depressed. we were so happy so in love and now I'm just dying. depressed. I'm too scared to leave. the song "i can treat you better" was on the radio and I wonder will there be another man to save me? or will my husband become that man? then today at work right when I came they said that I had to go home. that I wasn't wearing the right color shirt and I went and changed and came back and then they said theyre giving me a tardy. I wore this shirt at work for 3 years and I wasn't the only cashier. a bunch of others had to go home or buy new shirts too. there was no warning. I told my manager becca that I may was well just go home. and have an absence. why have a tardy when I wasn't even tardy. she didn't blame me. but I had to tell a higher up manager and she was so angry at me and has no reason to be- she doesn't even have to worry about us cashiers and our breaks. I'm pretty sure she wrote me up or I might get fired- I don't know. I'm really scared tho cause do I really want this to happen? or do I still want to work in that shithole.

I'm so scared. Jerald took too much Adderall and hes ignoring me and wants nothin to do with me. when he takes too much he usually hurts me. idk if I should leave tomorrow -tomorrow would be his third day awake. its our two year being together anniversary and he wants nothing to do with me. it hurts so much. I cant sleep its 5 am and I cant stop crying. I was scared I though I was pregnant but it was a false alarm. I don't think I can ever hav children with him. hes too immature. all he wants to do it get high. I want to have a kid but I don't see it in my future. itd be too hard cause he gave me stds. sometimes I wish I never met him that he would've just left me alone. sure I would be lonely but its better than all the shit I went thro. I'm still lonely.. I'm sick of sleeping alone.

lately ive just been getting attacked on facebook. even people I'm close to. any status I write people have to fight with me over it or they try to start fights through messenger. honeslty I never go on facebook anymore unless its to post a picture or when I'm at work on my 15 minute break. I felt it ruins relationships too - its just a whole nother social media internet world where memes try to tell you how to think. I am so happy I discovered vampire rave. I created it when I was 11 but am now actively on it because fuck fb. I can be who I am on here and not get judged. another reason why I hate fb is cyber bullying. jeralds crazy ex found me on there thro facebook stalking him and she tried to start shit with me on messenger than tagged me in a status and had her whole family come after me. they also know where I worked thanks to facebook. I was being followed and harassed for a whole year. they even followed my husband and I in their car, today I seen her at work she kept mentioning loudly to her little cousin with her about "Erica this Erica that" Erica is her daughter that she claims is my husbands but wont get a dna test. she lied to everyone saying I talked bad about her daughter cause she is so jealous of Jerald marrying me and wanted everyone to hate me. I honestly don't care about her baby so I find it funny she thinks she can make me jealous. shes known as the ridgeway whore and she cheated on my husband with 5 other men but claims hes the father but still wont get a dna test. Jerald and I are having nothing to do with her until she gets one. she is way to psycho. she bullied me to the extreme always making statuses calling me ugly when she looks like a pig.. with a turtle lip lol and cockeyes. literally- I'm not saying that because I hate her she literally looks like that. she tried so hard to split jd and I up telling me all these lies about him and I caught her lying more than once. I always kept talking to her dumbass because of the baby but now shes 18 and is and adult and needs to act like one and file for childsupport. I refuse to help her anymore she never took my advice and only wanted to talk shit about me and my man. I'm just glad its over with. she might try to make me jealous but in reality she cant stop facebook stalking us or following me or thinking about me with him. so in the end I won I guess lol

I deleted my photos. I'm too afraid someone will recognize me and read all my personal entries. but I added photos of artemis and lady of shallot and lucy of Narnia :) look up Victoria frances. she is an amazing gothic artist. work went by really fast. was in customer service all day with very rude people. my job is so hard people just love to put us workers down. but I'm finally home and relaxing with my cat cuddling me- even tho shes annoying me by pissing and poooping everywhere. I'm just glad my husband is finally being nice to her and cuddling her. hes taking me out to eat at the ranch house Monday I'm very excited. we also are getting groceries at 2 am sunday haha or technically Monday. I love grocery shopping cause I love to cook and I love food. have a good night everyone.

listening to the Narnia soundtrack while writing. I feel so lost. I lost who I am but can I really blame my spouse for that? its my own fault for not being strong. I work out everyday but I don't feel strong. I push myself, pull muscles to only feel weak at the end of the day. I started cutting myself. I feel embarrassed everyone can see it. I'm too old to be wearing emo gloves and too hot to wear long sleeves. today he choked me had me pinned down his arm on my throat. I cried out for jesus. idk if he hears me anymore I haven't followed him in so long. when I watch Narnia I feel so sad because I used to be like lucy- so close to aslan and full of life. I don't know how to get back to being close to God. reading my bible everyday.. I don't understand what I'm reading anymore. I just want to dress up and take a magical walk in the woods just to remember who I am. to feel the magic of nature and the creator. ive realized that I don't love my spouse like I should. I don't even know if I love him anymore. idk how to. I know hes fallen in love with me but he doesn't show it like he should so I lost interest. I don't really know what to do anymore. he mentioned splitting up - he doesn't want to but he thinks I should. to find myself. but I made vows! and I don't break them. I made a promise to the man I love to be there- through better or worse.... I never left a man I loved. they have always left me. I guess I'm waiting for him to leave but he has stayed with me for almost two years now. I hope I really am in love with him and not in the idea of love.

I'm a little afraid that I uploaded my photos. wat if someone recognizes me and reads my whole diary??! oh well its a risk I'm going to take. so my friend is calling me a liar because she doesn't want to own up to what she said and she made up other things about me. I'm very hurt because I never knew she was that kind of person. I just want some space but shes very persistant that we meet up and talk this out. I don't see a reason to she'll just call me a liar and I'm so busy with work and bills and working out I just don't need any negativity right now or any fighting I just want to relax and be happy. she wants to meet up when I'm super busy too so I'm just ignoring her messages right now lol Jerald had an episode today. I ran outside and cried on the curb some asshole drove by and yelled out "u cant sit on the curb bitch!" I started crying even harder. what a cruel world we live in - hes lucky I wasn't suicidal at that moment. when I walked back home jd said he didn't want to be this abusive person anymore. but can I trust him? I do but it seems to keep happening. everything was going so wel and if I make one mistake he has to punish me for it, I wish he would quit doing that

idk wtf happened but my husband has been amazing, hes been so sweet and appreciative. I finally feel normal, man I wish I wasn't such a hopeless romantic. I need to learn how to stand on my own two feet. I always dreamed of someone always being there for me but in reality you only got yourself and the creator. seems like ever since I learned that my husband has been behaving himself. maybe it was all a lesson? a lesson from above? I know God would never approve of abuse tho. I just hope things stay this way for eternity,