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8 entries this month
"apocalypse"
15:38 Jun 02 2007
Times Read: 693
Please don’t label me as
Crazy, even though
We already know I am,
But I’ve got a
SERIOUS
Problem…
For the past 3 weeks,
Bad things have been occurring.
And it’s in my
Nightmares,
Headaches,
And
Emotions…
My friend has been having
The exact same things.
I’ve had a nightmare about
My boyfriend,
And my ex boyfriend,
All in one dream,
At Hershey Park…
Now the weird part is,
My friend has had
TWO dreams about
Hershey Park,
Involving me,
And HER boyfriend.
Strange enough?
Not even close…
Listen to this…
I’m able to read emotions
From humans as well as
My own kind.
Rec was cancelled tonight
Because of a thunderstorm.
So we were on our way home.
She seemed upset because
She wanted time to relax,
And to have a
Good time.
She never got her chance,
Because we were all
Sent home early.
So she started to punch
The wall,
And what I was reading
From her sent my fur
Standing straight up
Along the back of my
Neck…
I told her to stop.
And she did,
Because she knew something
Was wrong.
When she looked at me,
She started to explain that
She was feeling ominous
The past few weeks,
And that something
Didn’t feel
Right…
She said she had
Nightmares about her friends
And her family,
And that she had been
Getting horrible headaches.
Now normally, she’s
The only one who gets it.
But I’ve been getting it too,
And that means something
Is dangerously wrong.
Something bad is going to happen.
SOON.
I had a bad feeling about
My boyfriend for a while
Now, and recently,
It’s been getting serious.
What happens?
I hear a bad rumor about him,
And some other girl.
No?
The heartbreaker has been
Depressed over his ex
For a while now.
Not the one he left me for,
But the one before that.
The one he got sick over…
She returned,
And now he’s stressed out,
Trying not to break one
Girls heart, but take the other…
My best friend said her
Friend at home tried to commit
Suicide,
And that she was going
To do the same.
That’s why she wanted
To take a break,
And
Relax.
She said she had a headache,
TWICE,
That refused to go away
Even after she took medicine.
She said it nailed her above
Both eyes,
And that she felt the
Ominous feeling again.
I had that exact same
Headache
ONCE.
I’m not liking the feel
Of this…
Whatever is going on,
It’s going to take place here
At the school,
And it’s targeting
Me and my friends.
Just us…
All the other humans are
Completely oblivious.
They don’t suspect a thing.
They don’t feel anything.
The only humans who do,
Are the one’s who hang
Around me,
And the other supernaturals!
And I’ve only
Found one or two of them
So far!
I’m dangerously afraid
For my boyfriend…
Love seems to be a common
Target in this matter,
As well as friendship.
As far as I’m concerned,
No family has been involved
Yet…
YET…
We’re on our guard.
This ominous feeling gets
Worse as the days pass.
In fact,
I completely ignored it
Until now!
I don’t understand…
I thought maybe it would go
Away after a while,
But it didn’t,
And I was wrong.
Tomorrow is Saturday.
I will not see my love at
All tomorrow…
My whole existence is
Going to be one edge.
We were jumpy the whole
Night, we couldn’t sit still,
And the more we
Pieced the puzzle
Together, the more afraid
And antsy we got!
There’s some kind of
Apocalypse coming,
I can feel it as well as
My friends.
I sent the heartbreaker
An email asking him if he’s
Experienced any of the
Weird symptoms,
And pretty soon,
I’m going to interrogate
My love for the same
Thing.
Whatever it is,
We need to take care of
Each other,
And beware.
Something is out to get us.
And nothing like this
Has ever happened to me.
So apparently,
This is pretty damn important.
I’m afraid,
I don’t want to leave
My best friend or my love
Out of my sight for one moment.
He’s on detentions.
STILL.
I won’t see my best friend until
Tomorrow at Saturday Rec,
And I won’t see my love
Until SUNDAY.
I can feel it now,
The nightmare is coming on.
Something’s coming up,
And it’s not good…
Even as I type this poem,
I can feel the bad feeling
Seep into my soul…
When I was younger,
I would tell my mom that
I had “the feeling” again,
And she’d look at me weird.
She knew that when
I felt that weird bad feeling,
Something bad always happened
Shortly afterwards.
Well it’s back,
And it’s stronger than it
Ever has been.
And whatever’s causing it,
It’s touched my friends
As well.
It’s dangerous,
And it’s something to watch
Out for.
My boyfriend is not
Leaving my sight.
In fact,
I may take a stalker trip
Up to his student home,
And spy on it.
I’m not even kidding.
I’m not playing games.
I’m being
DEAD SERIOUS.
Our friendship is in
Danger,
And whatever it is,
It’s life threatening,
Because unlike my
Friend’s dream,
My love killed someone
Who looked like her,
In MY dream.
I’m watching now…
The apocalypse is coming,
Something that will end our
Friendship, or even our lives.
It’s lasted 3 weeks already.
And what’s worse,
Is that summer break is coming
Up, and everyone
Will be leaving…
Except me,
My love,
And my
Ex…
My friend is leaving…
Which is a good thing if you
Think about it.
She’ll be able to help her friend
Who’s at home and has no
Protection.
I’ll be able to make sure my love
Does not kill her,
And I can keep an eye on him
AND the heartbreaker,
All in one.
Come to think of it,
This is all starting to come
Together even more than before.
This all has a purpose
Somewhere…
I’m watching
And waiting for it.
But…
I still have that bad feeling…
"confused"
15:37 Jun 02 2007
Times Read: 694
Okay, so I got some
Information…
But I’m still skeptical.
As far as he’s told me,
He never dated any girl
By that name before…
And I also learned
That it was about
3 years ago this
Happened…
Supposedly.
So now what?
Who do I believe?
He didn’t show any signs that
He was lying to me.
And this girl no longer
Goes to this school.
So who do I trust?
Well on the one hand,
My housemother has never
Lied to me about something
As serious as this before.
And my boyfriend seems
To get talked about a lot.
Lots of rumors, one of which
I proved wrong.
He’s not 21,
He’s 19.
So maybe he’s telling
The truth.
Maybe it’s a rumor
Flying around that
My housemother
Picked up.
Well if that’s the case,
Then how did the girl date
Him, if he’s never
Dated someone like her?
My housemother wouldn’t
Lie about it would she?
That doesn’t seem to make
Any sense.
So maybe the girl made it up.
Maybe she told my
Housemother this story to
Just mess with him.
If so,
Why?
He never dated someone
By her name,
So how would she
Even claim that?
This makes no sense.
Someone’s lying here.
And I don’t know who
It is.
So my job right now,
Is to watch him like a hawk,
And make sure nothing’s
Going on.
Wow, am I in a bad
Situation…
I’m NOT going to get
Screwed over like I
Did before with the
Heartbreaker.
Although right now,
Going to talk to him is a
Really good idea.
Reason?
Because they’re best friends,
And regardless of,
He’s still my friend too.
If he’s closer to the
Lovesick one than any other,
Then he should know what
Was going on.
Maybe I can get a few
Rumors from him so I know
Which ones are false.
I can’t believe I’m stooping
To that low…
NEVER would I have
Suggested talking to him about
A problem with a boy.
Especially his best friend.
That’s odd…
I’m not too sure I like this
Idea, but if it saves me
The time, then so be it.
This really doesn’t make
Any sense!
What the hell is going on?
You wanna know something else?
An ex, WAY BEFORE the heartbreaker,
Decides to mail me a letter.
Know what it says?
Here’s a transcript:
“Dear Ashley,
How have you been these six months?
I’m sort of ok
I wanna hook up when I’m out.
Until then I just want to be pen
Pals.
I was kind of hoping that some
Day we could go out again,
Whatever you do, don’t leave the
School.
It’s the best place for you.
I just learned the hard way.
I need you to know that when I
Said I would love you forever,
I meant it.
I just got your email confirming
That you got mine.
I can’t check it often,
So I’d prefer if you wrote back.
Otherwise email me at
Geiswiteb@gmail.com
And I’ll have somebody
Check for me.
I’m also going to email you a
Picture of me.
Send me some if you can.
Mail them to me.
So, how’s your girlfriend
Doing?
If you are still with her
I understand.
If you want to give me another
Chance, I’d like that.
If you want both of us the
Same, I like that more.
Just curious are you still
A virgin?
Or did you lose it already?
Either way I still love you.
You can email me at
Stain01@hotmail.com
It’s not my personal email,
It’s a friends so if you get
Sexual or anything, be
Careful.
I trust him but I don’t want
You to embarrass yourself.
I’ve got to go.
I love you,
And I miss you,
Love Bryan.”
Now what the hell am I supposed
To think about that?
This is very, very old.
I haven’t been with my
Girlfriend since before the
Heartbreaker.
WAY before the
Heartbreaker,
Actually…
I only dated this guy for
A day, and broke up
With him for her.
Did you know that?
Yeah…
I don’t have good luck
With guys either.
So now he wants me back,
And I’m taken.
But the guy I’m with now,
I’m suspicious of.
So what do I do?
THAT’S why I’m so
Confused.
This is the hardest thing
I’ve ever been put through.
Relationships weren’t
Something I dealt with
Until I came to this
School.
So…
Here I am,
In a tight situation,
With very few
Options.
But I don’t want to leave
Him…
I love him.
And I don’t want to deal
With the pain of another
And worse breakup…
But should I trust him?
Maybe…
I don’t know that yet.
"nothing ever lasts"
15:35 Jun 02 2007
Times Read: 695
I’ve been wondering something…
A few things actually.
Sometimes I don’t feel right.
It’s like something’s missing.
I’m not sure what it is,
And I’m searching for it.
So far,
Things are going really great.
My depression is lifting,
And only occasionally
Do I feel the effects of the past.
So that’s not really the problem,
Although the sadness still
Bites at my heels.
And it certainly isn’t
My family,
Because I rarely see my
Mother anyway.
And I’m used to that.
I haven’t lived with her in a year,
So why would that bother me now?
It doesn’t.
So really,
I have no idea what’s
Going on inside of me right now.
It’s like a mix of things…
And one of them is a concern.
That I will have to speak now…
It’s been 2 weeks now,
With my boyfriend.
And it’s going perfectly fine,
Except for one thing…
I’m curious…
How long does love really last?
I mean…
It has to end sometime…
I’m not saying I want it to.
And I’m not saying I’m going to end it
Again,
Because I refuse to do it.
I’m happy where I am.
I can breathe,
I can smile,
And
I can laugh…
But surely,
It’s got to end sometime.
Nothing lasts forever.
I’ve already learned that lesson.
And it was the most painful
Experience,
I’ve ever had in my life.
So when will it happen again?
I know that I’ll probably deserve it.
After the past 2 times I’ve hurt him…
His friends are wrong though.
I’m not doing it this time…
He’s going to have to get rid of me
If that’s the case.
And to tell you the truth,
I really hope he doesn’t…
That’s my worst fear right now.
To be sunken back into the hole
I was before.
The one that hurt like hell
For 4 months.
Yes, you remember.
I wrote about it.
A lot…
Well I guess I figured out
What’s wrong with me,
And why I feel so strange.
It was that question all along,
Gnawing at my insides.
And here’s the worrisome part…
I read his emotions today,
After school.
And I felt something strange.
I tried to hide the fact I felt it,
But I just couldn’t help but
Get that hollow cold pit in my stomach.
How often is it,
That you feel doubt in a partner,
2 weeks into a relationship?
I’m beginning to think that
It’s moving too fast for the two
Of us,
And something’s up…
Something bad…
My fears could be silly,
And it might not be true…
But what if it is?
What if something is wrong?
Then what?
What if I’m right?
What if nothing really does
Last forever?
I don’t think it does.
And I know it’s coming.
All ends start somewhere.
He mentioned the whole
Marriage thing today after lunch…
Strange…
I never really said anything except
“That all depends on what happens
In the future…”
His response was,
“I guess you’re right… It’s a little
Too early to be thinking about it…”
Great.
So I’m right.
Everything IS going too fast.
So now the question comes…
Can we fix this?
Or not?
Even weirder…
That’s not what I felt after school today.
That was just part of the coincidence.
I need to slow down
On my libido…
I can’t help it sometimes,
He just makes me so happy…
I’m not used to it really.
But I could feel something
Coming from him that’s
Bothering me.
And I’m starting to think
He’s having second thoughts about me.
Would it shock me?
Nothing ever does.
Every “happily ever after”
Ends at some point in life.
It never ever lasts.
Something always goes wrong.
That’s why so few people ever
Stay together after high school.
That’s why people get divorces.
That’s why people end up KILLED.
I’ve felt the homicidal part of me before.
I’ve had the urge to kill the heartbreaker
For months…
And I even got a taste of it today,
But only for a little bit.
Very short grudging I suppose.
And it happens at bi-polar intervals.
I love my boyfriend.
I don’t want to lose him.
And I don’t want to go through that pain
Twice, even though I know
That a lot of people have done it
More than that…
I don’t think my mind is able to handle
The wracking pain again…
Because this time,
I’m going to get violent,
And I probably won’t even have a reason.
It’ll probably be about anger
That he’ll invoke for betraying
Every word he said,
And believe me,
This time is coming.
As I said…
Nothing lasts forever…
And I’m starting to feel it already.
Besides…
None of my relationships last past 3 weeks.
Somewhere very soon,
It’s going to stop.
All I have to do is wait.
Faith and trust aren’t my strong points.
And my self esteem is horrible.
Not to mention all the mistakes I make,
With my libido,
And just tripping on the sidewalk.
Yes.
I suppose I’ll wait for it.
Because I’m certainly not going to rush.
I don’t want it to end.
But as I said…
Nothing ever lasts…
"fear"
15:35 Jun 02 2007
Times Read: 696
Did you ever get
The feeling something
Is wrong?
I know…
I talked about this
Already…
But…
I have a problem.
A SERIOUS problem…
One I can’t escape,
And I’m starting
To get nervous..
No…
Not nervous…
AFRAID…
My own housemother had to
Tell me some things…
Things I’m not too sure I like…
About
My
Boyfriend…
Yeah…
I’m not talking about
The heartbreaker
This time…
I’m talking about the
Lovesick one…
Well…
At least that’s what
I THINK he is…
To tell you the truth,
I’m not too sure
What’s going on…
But as far as I’ve heard,
I’m NOT liking it…
I’ve been told,
By my housemother,
That he’s dated a girl from
My student home before
Already…
And bad things happened…
Now here’s my issue
With that…
It isn’t about the whole
“Ex girlfriend” thing,
It’s what happened between
Them…
As far as I’ve heard,
He pushed her to do
Some things she really didn’t
Want to do.
It was okay at first,
He acted like he was fine
With waiting…
But after a while,
I guess he got annoyed,
And called her up to say
He was done with her…
Odd…
And even weirder than that,
Is that everything else she
Told me made sense…
I was right…
AGAIN…
She told me that he
Acts like you’re everything
To him…
Everything in the world…
And then if he gets bored
With you,
Or gets tired of the way
You refuse it,
He drops you.
Wanna hear the most disturbing
Thing about what she said to me?
She said that since she
Wouldn’t do it,
And he broke up with her,
He spread it around
The school that SHE
Was the one who was
Pushing HIM…
She got the reputation
Of being a whore…
So now I’m confused…
She told me also that
He preys on the girls who
Don’t date a lot…
Girls like me.
Or the girls who get
Dumped a lot, and get hurt,
So they’re more susceptible
To falling for it…
Girls like me.
I’m afraid now…
I’ve done some things
With him that weren’t too
Serious,
But enough to make you squirm
A bit wondering…
I’m not too sure this
Is such a good idea…
This is our one month
Anniversary together.
My longest relationship
EVER.
I gave up my first kiss,
The one thing I tried my best
To guard and keep safe…
It better not have
Gone to waste…
You DON’T double cross
ME.
I bite back.
I swear to God I’ll
Scream rape if he tries
To put all the blame on me
If this turns out to be true…
I’m not fucking around
Anymore.
I’m done with men.
NO MAN is going to
Prey on me,
And dump me because I won’t
Do anything I don’t
Feel comfortable doing.
NO MAN is going to spread word
About me that I’m a whore,
When HE’S the one putting
On the moves.
And NO MAN is going to
Toy with me because
I’m the flavor of the week…
I’m going to be keeping
My guard.
I’m watching him now.
I’m going to be testing him.
It’s bad enough that my
Own housemother was the one
Who had to tell me.
And it’s even worse
When she knows more about
Him than I do…
And I’m his GIRLFRIEND.
I swear to God, if he fucks
Me over the way the heartbreaker
Did, I’m going to fucking
Kill him.
I’m not playing games.
I’ve been hurt too many
Times in my life to
Deal with something
Like this.
Now it gets
Interesting…
The question starts here.
Is my housemother telling
The truth to protect me?
Or is she just telling me this
To keep me from doing
Something stupid,
And make me break up
With the one I love?
And the other question,
Is exactly HOW MANY girls
Has he dated before,
And played this game with…
Because I’m not exactly
Out of my depression…
If anything,
Now I’m afraid…
REALLY
AFRAID.
If you’re reading this,
STONER,
You better not double
Cross me…
Because the BITCH is
Going to win this game,
NOT YOU.
I’ll see you in Hell.
"trust me"
15:32 Jun 02 2007
Times Read: 700
Trust isn’t something I’m good at…
I never was…
And I don’t mean that in a negative way,
I mean,
After all, there are a lot of
Things I’m not good at…
But trust is something I have
Trouble getting a grasp on…
Like for instance being in a large
Crowd of people…
I’m not claustrophobic,
I’m just…
Strange…
I’m not like anyone else…
I tend to be alone,
I like my peace,
And space…
I like to just sit sometimes and read,
And every once in a while,
Write something…
But when it comes to friends,
Only a very few,
Maybe 2 or 3 out of 20 people,
I will actually,
Wholeheartedly,
Trust…
So my number one issue right now,
Is learning how to get over it.
It has nothing to do with my boyfriend,
Or my friends,
Or the teachers,
Or anyone else for that matter…
It’s just something I’ve always had
Problems with,
And it needs to be resolved.
And so far,
Breaking the ice is easy.
I’m actually enjoying it,
Hanging out with different people,
Undoing my anti-social personality,
And just doing things…
It’s entertaining,
And it gives me lots more to think about,
What with all my philosophic thinking…
My aunt calls me a philosopher…
I think about life…
My own in particular.
So far,
The whole non-trust issue came
About when I was little,
And still lived with my real father.
Not my step father mind you,
My REAL father…
The one who caused all the problems
Between me and mom in the first place,
The reason why she chose another man,
To threaten me,
And try to take control…
He would beat her,
He would threaten me…
Strange enough though,
He RARELY ever hit me…
He’d yell,
He’d scream,
And he’d throw things…
But never, had he hit me…
I watched my mother being hit with knives,
Thrown down stairs,
And beaten up in alleys
For crimes she’d never committed…
For instance, before I was ever born,
They were partying in a bar…
And my dad was drunk, and left,
Only 5 minutes later…
When my mom finally came out,
He screamed,
“What the fuck took you so long?
It’s been 5 hours!!
What the fuck were you doing in there,
Without me?
Huh bitch?”
And he beat her to a pulp,
Right there in the alleyway…
Her eyes were black and blue,
And she never fought back…
All she did,
Was look up into his eyes,
And say,
“All I ever wanted…
Was to go home…”
And after I was born,
Things only got worse.
She’d get hit in the face,
Stabbed with knives,
And thrown into walls.
She’d get screamed at
For things she’d never said, or did…
And once,
She nabbed me out of the house,
And drove away,
With my dad jumping on the back of the car,
And riding along for about 2 miles
Before he finally fell off.
Such bad memories…
And it all started when I was only 2 years old.
I remember that night like yesterday,
And my memory is horrible…
Perhaps that’s why…
I block out things I don’t want to remember,
And it goes away…
But back then,
I didn’t have that power,
And the memory followed me to this day,
As a reminder why I do what I do…
That’s where my trust
Problems come from…
That’s why I can never really believe people…
And sometimes,
I’m extremely gullible,
Because the one’s I do trust,
Trick me.
Even as a joke, it bothers me…
Because I’m supposed to trust them,
Right?
My heart is lonely,
And sometimes it takes pride to be that way.
Depending on the situation.
But right now,
I’m getting over my trust problems,
And I’m getting out and doing things.
If you’d seen me in my old school…
You would have NEVER
Recognized me…
I was a completely different person.
Another reason my trust is an issue,
Is because of that school…
In fact,
Aside from my stepfather,
And my mother’s ignorance,
That’s the whole reason I came here.
The boys would make fun of me,
They’d laugh,
And point,
And make comments behind my back…
They’d call my friends lesbians,
Bitches,
Whores…
And they’d make fun of us in the girl’s locker room,
Changing for gym class,
Until we were forced to change in
The security of a bathroom stall
In order to dodge the ridicule…
We never fit in,
None of us…
We were outcasts,
From grade 5, to grade 9.
And in my old school,
My friends still are.
The girls would make fun of us
More so than the boys did.
Because they thought they were
Pretty, and smart…
And if you’ve ever seen a picture of me
Back then,
You’d know that I really wasn’t pretty,
At ALL.
I’ve changed my image here,
And I at least look decent…
But back then,
I was a nothing…
I’d never had a boyfriend
Until I’d come here,
Because the boys there would make sure,
That everyone else knew we were
Nothings.
That we were ugly,
And stupid,
And weird…
And weird we were,
Because they MADE us that way…
Even as I think of it now,
The anger burns inside.
So you see,
My trust problems come from all
Different sides,
And none of it has to do with
Any of my friends here…
On the contrary,
I’m working on making it better
With them.
To gain more and more friends,
Until I’m as “popular”
As the people in my old school were…
With one slight difference…
I refuse to ridicule the ones who
Were a lot like me,
And prefer to be alone.
I will not do to them,
What has been done to me.
That’s a vow I made a long time ago.
And I plan to keep it.
I may have a lot of friends,
But the reason,
Is to give myself the image of “popular”,
So that I can bring the “unpopular” ones,
Into the group,
And make them FEEL “popular”,
So that their self image, is much better.
I have a whole system.
I know what I’m doing.
So next time any of you think on calling
Me a bitch, or anything else,
Just stop and read this.
Then you’ll understand
Why I do what I do.
So go ahead…
Trust me,
And I’ll trust you right back,
With as much heart
As I can muster…
And that, my friend,
Is a promise
I will not break.
"awakening"
15:31 Jun 02 2007
Times Read: 702
This is so amazing…
I’m finally doing something I never
Thought I’d be able to do,
In 1,000 years…
I’m moving on with my life.
There’s no more pain inside of me,
There’s no more wishing,
No more depression following every
Single thing I do in life.
And I dropped my boyfriend.
Yeah, I feel bad for him,
I know what he’s going through
Right now,
But the thing is,
He’ll do exactly what I’ve done,
And move on.
Granted, it’ll take him a little while.
It took me 2 months to finally move.
But I did,
And that’s all that counts.
I wrote a poem earlier.
It was called “Fighting Chance”.
I was in my final stage of depression then,
And for some reason,
The poem helped me to move on…
I released all my stress through
Poetry diaries…
And it finally made an impact on my soul.
I go back and read some of my own material,
And I become depressed,
Knowing I screwed up,
And I keep reminding myself.
But now, after I let it out,
I read what I wrote toward the end,
And I finally understand.
I’ve had my awakening.
I can finally breathe.
I can walk around with my happy mood,
And not bring my friends down in the
Vortex of pain and hate I once had.
That spiral to Hell that took
Down all my good vibes, and replaced
Them with the tunes of a hateful pipe organ.
It’s all gone.
Yes,
I’m still going to love him no matter what,
But I’m okay now.
I can make it on my own knowing he’s a friend,
And nothing more than that.
I’m happy for him now.
I hope he and his crush get along just fine.
In fact,
I hope it goes farther than that.
As good a heart as he has,
He deserves it.
No,
I have no lover.
I don’t need one.
And it took me a very long time to realize,
I don’t need one to keep me happy.
All it really took, was friendship.
And even that was hard to find.
But I found it.
I talked with some of my friends tonight.
And I also learned that I’m not the only one.
One friend thinks on killing himself because
He thinks no girl likes him, and he’s ugly.
I explained my stage and play theory to him,
And it seems to have helped.
My ex-boyfriend is upset about what I did,
But he’s going to be okay,
Because I believe in him, and I’ve been there too…
I helped my other friend because he’s getting
Teased by his crush.
And it’s hurting him…
Some people are just meant to be friends,
And nothing more,
Not matter how much you wish…
And that’s how it’s always going to be.
Straighten up little soldier…
Show your battle scars,
And make the right choices in life.
Because if you don’t,
You’ll end up like you were before.
And your depression will sink you
Into a dark place where nothing can ever
Save you…
You’ll drown in the blackness,
And die in the pain…
There’s only one way to keep on moving up.
Reflect on what your friends have taught you.
Look up to them for support,
And if they stay with you through the whole thing,
Then they’re truly your friends,
And they care about you.
Don’t commit suicide over something so petty.
Because in reality,
It isn’t petty to your family or friends,
When you take that barrel, point it to your temple,
And pull the trigger.
It’s no joke,
And it’s serious.
I remember when I was 9 years old,
And I saved a man from killing himself, who was 55.
I’ll never forget the look on his face…
The tears running down his cheeks,
The shotgun,
Loaded,
Cocked,
And safety off across his lap…
And all for what?
His girlfriend was leaving him.
Another lover tragedy.
So there I sat, explaining things,
Talking to him,
And eventually,
I was able to take the gun from his hand.
I saved his life…
I may have just done that again tonight.
But I’m not so sure.
See?
I AM someone.
I AM special.
I work behind the scenes,
So those popular people with bigger parts in life,
Don’t crash through the floor,
And break their ankles.
Without me,
This play wouldn’t even exist.
So what if they don’t notice me?
That doesn’t mean I’m not there,
And I’m not making an impact.
Stand up for yourself.
You’re not a no one!
You are YOURSELF.
Take pride in what you do,
It’s a special thing.
Your love is something no one can take away
From you,
And you need to learn how to protect that.
So stand up, and fight for yourself.
Your awakening has come.
Be proud and
LIVE.
"fighting chance"
15:30 Jun 02 2007
Times Read: 703
I’m running on low fuel right now,
From every beat of my heart,
To the very vibration from my soul.
I’m nothing.
My insides are turning brutally cold,
And I have nothing inside of me left,
No more willingness to fight.
I love him.
I always will,
And I know that he will never love me.
If you haven’t noticed,
All of my poems are about him…
And how much pain he causes me,
Every single minute of my existence.
“It’s just a phase,” you say,
“You’ll get over it.”
And what happens if I don’t?
I wonder this a lot.
It bothers me.
I miss him.
The way he used to walk me home,
Stand at the end of my pathway and just
Talk…
Then there were the times at school…
Certain classes made my heart pound,
And others were activities after school,
Like Multimedia, and Rec…
And it’s gone.
All gone.
And the worst part is,
My low fuel tank is running out.
I don’t think I can go much longer
With my current boyfriend.
It doesn’t feel the same,
And it hurts.
Yes.
I am doing to him what has been done to me.
And there’s really no other option.
I guess that’s what happened the first time.
There was no other choice.
It was one of those things that had to be done.
Well at least now I understand it.
I’m getting better at this.
I can go through the whole day without
Even looking at him.
That’s a plus I suppose.
It’s a good thing.
But other than that, there’s still that
Empty hole in my chest,
And in my being.
Like something’s missing, and I don’t know what.
And worst of all,
Is I know what’s missing from that hole.
The problem,
Is that I can’t fill that space.
The thing that has to fill it in,
Isn’t willing to do so.
He’s too interested in someone else.
Someone I wish I was.
Desperately,
You don’t know how much I wish…
I wish, and I pray that I was that lucky girl…
I don’t care what kinds of problems come with her,
I want her soul,
Her life,
And her personality.
I want to be the girl he wishes I was.
The girl who can listen to him,
The girl who can always count on him
Coming back to me…
But what about now?
As myself?
Will that ever happen?
I’ve been counting 2 months,
And I really don’t think that’s going to occur.
I haven’t talked to him in what seems like weeks,
And he has no trouble at all staying away from me.
Like I’m a plague or something.
That just makes me wish I was someone else
Even more.
And will I ever get to that point?
I don’t think so.
It’s impossible to do something like that.
It’s insane.
I’m stuck as myself.
My own, pathetic, useless self.
And I’ll always be that way.
The only person who gives me real comfort,
Who I haven’t spoken to in 10 years mind you,
Is my half brother, PJ.
Other than that,
I have no one.
I’m alone…
I don’t care anymore.
I know I say that a lot too,
And I’m usually lying to myself,
But saying it makes me feel better.
I don’t care…
I don’t care…
I don’t care…
Keep repeating it little girl,
It’ll only make you better inside
Knowing you’re a loser, and this is how you
Deal with things…
You make up lies,
And you think you’re going to get better.
You tell stories,
To make people laugh, and you forget,
And you sing, and write poetry,
Because it’s one of the few ways you can
Express your insides
Without
CUTTING
Yourself.
I suppose that’s a start,
Don’t you?
I’m making progress.
My insides aren’t as pained as they used to be.
But it still hurts.
I walked out of my gym locker room once,
And turned the corner to go up the stairs…
And almost ran full into him walking around the same corner.
Do you know what ran through me then?
It was amazing…
The first thing I felt, was shock.
Then, after that subsided, it came like a storm,
The wishes,
The love,
The anguish,
And a flowing river of adrenaline that just wouldn’t quit.
It was what I always wanted…
What I missed feeling
Around him…
And it was all there, in that tiny fraction of time…
I know I don’t stand a chance.
I learned it a while ago.
And at the moment, I’m not angry,
Or even depressed really.
Just slightly sad,
And reminiscing on old memories,
How things used to be.
Relishing on the past helps too.
It makes you feel worth something.
To know that you are someone, is a lot.
It helps so much to just FEEL something.
No matter what it is.
Even if it’s just a small part,
Like playing the tree in the play…
You may not have the leading part,
And people may not notice you, or care as much,
But what’s the play, without the tree?
You have to learn to accept yourself.
I’m a lone shark,
I live alone,
And I take care of myself.
But you know what?
I’m still part of life,
And I affect my friends the way he affected me.
I don’t want to take things out on my friends.
They don’t deserve my mood swings.
So I’ve accepted that I’m not lover material.
So what?
I’m a friend, aren’t I?
That’s a small step in the right direction,
Isn’t it?
I’m still up for a fighting chance
To take back my position in life as a friend,
And to stand by myself without a lover.
I need to drop my current boyfriend,
And do things on my own.
It isn’t going to be easy.
And it’s going to hurt a lot,
I’ve done this to him before…
But instead of looking for someone to take care of me,
I need to learn how to take care of myself.
And for this, I’m very sorry…
I’ve had my awakening.
I’ve had my moment.
And now it’s time to say good-bye,
And to restart my system,
So that I never feel this again.
And I can make it on my own.
"beautiful disease"
15:28 Jun 02 2007
Times Read: 704
This is something that everyone
Goes through,
No matter who they are,
Or what they’ve done.
I’ve been through it.
You’ve been through it.
Your friends have been through it.
Even your PARENTS have been through it.
There’s no escaping that
Gaping hole that
Destroys your life,
And tears our your
Heart.
There is only one cure for depression.
And that cure,
Is the one who caused it.
Without the person who caused it,
That gaping hole will tear right through you.
I still see them together,
And I still think to myself,
“I can’t believe I thought I really
Stood a chance…”
Because in reality,
I honestly thought I did.
I really thought
He’d be different
Than everyone else.
And guess what?
I was wrong…
I’m getting much much
Better though.
The pain doesn’t sear through me
With as much intensity as it did
Before.
And this time,
I’m seriously not lying
To myself.
You can even ask my friends.
My boyfriend is all I really need
At this point in time,
And I plan on keeping myself
Happy,
As long as he allows me to be.
I know it hurts him though.
I know I tear him up
Inside.
And it’s because of my
Reasoning,
And my way of
Thinking
That hurts him…
To me,
Love is a disease.
I mean honestly, think
About it…
You get sick over someone,
Then you can’t get enough.
It’s like you’re on drugs.
And you know what happens
When they take that drug away?
You get sick…
In the BAD way.
So then you want the drug
Again,
And you have no idea
How to get it back,
Because the one cure
You got,
Doesn’t wanna give you the drug.
And without the drug,
There is no cure.
So there you sit.
Alone.
Cold.
And
Dying,
Because you have no one
To call your own,
And you’re sick inside,
Like you’re rotting.
Now you tell me,
If that’s what it’s like.
Cuz I know I’m right.
Whether you admit it or not.
And of course,
Your friends are all going
To say that it’s a good thing,
Because it makes you happy,
And blah blah blah…
Well guess what?
Weed, marijuana, crack, ecstasy,
Acid, cocaine…
Even everyday objects like
Glue, and markers!
All those drugs?
They make you happy too.
And when you have the flu,
Do you not take medicine
To make it go away?
So you feel better?
Drugs.
The next time you stop
To tell me that love is a good thing,
Analyze what I just said,
And think about it.
I’m telling you.
Love is a disease.
It’s treatable…
You just have to get the
Right kind of medicine.
But 9 chances out of 10,
The cure you need,
Is the cause also.
So you know what
You have to do?
Go cold turkey,
And hope you don’t
Get torn apart
By the agony that will tear
Through your soul.
That’s what I had to do.
I don’t know about you.
But I had to learn it the
Hard way…
These are reasons why
I say love is a disease…
Acid makes you see weird
Things, and it’s fun…
And love also,
Is “fun”.
Marijuana makes you think
You have the ability to fly.
And love also,
Makes you think you can “fly”.
Ecstasy makes you lusty.
Well guess what?
Love also,
Makes you lusty.
Take a look around folks.
Love and drugs to hand
In hand.
As do diseases.
You get DISEASES from that!!
You can get so sick,
Dude!
It’ll KILL YOU!!
Drugs,
Disease,
Pain killers,
Headaches…
Damn,
It’s all the same thing!
The question is…
Are you going to take
The drug,
Or are you going to
Allow yourself to stay away
From it…
The only drug
I’ve ever touched,
Or even gone NEAR,
Was love…
And look what it did to me.
The only good thing that
Came out of it,
Was my boyfriend.
Which,
If you think about it,
Makes me sick as it is.
I’m hooked.
I’m part of the addiction.
The disease that drives
Through my veins,
And forces me to life.
If for any reason,
He were to do what
The heartbreaker did,
I’d be dead.
I’m addicted now.
And whether people
Notice it or not,
Love is the single
Most common drug
And disease,
In the entire world.
And it’s LEGAL.
You don’t have to
Pay for it…
You don’t have to
Hide it…
You don’t have to
Look for it…
You don’t have to
Smuggle it…
You can do…
Whatever
It is,
That you WANT.
And it’s LEGAL.
If this disease were
To be banished,
Just like marijuana,
And cocaine…
There’d be no pain.
There’d be no sickness…
And everyone,
Would be just,
FINE…
But then again,
There are those who
Enjoy the high…
Like myself…
Who keep putting
Themselves in danger
To failure…
The question is…
Will you take the pain
When the sickness comes?
Would you take the
Opportunity to love someone?
Or…
A better question would be…
Is love a disease…?
Or a drug…?
Whatever the hell it is,
It’s beautiful…
And regardless of the
Pain it may cause me,
I’m addicted,
And I’m not quitting.
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