Honor: 0 [ Give / Take ]
8 entries this month
"emptiness"
15:03 May 30 2007
Times Read: 534
I never thought it’d get this far…
I… I can’t feel my insides anymore.
It’s like there’s nothing there.
I’ve waited for about 2 months.
It’s amazing what that can do to a person.
Especially one’s who’s heartbroken,
And in the process of de-agonizing herself.
Well…
It isn’t doing anything.
The agony is still there,
And it probably always will be.
I’ve been waiting for him…
My mood goes from angry, to sad in
Two seconds flat…
And it’s strange…
I just want to understand myself,
So that I can change for him.
My current boyfriend isn’t the same,
But I love him…
And it’s awkward, because I can’t kiss him,
And I can’t hug him without feeling wrong…
So wrong…
I don’t know what’s wrong with me,
Most people can do this and not feel bad,
But I just CAN’T.
There’s a road block in my way,
And I’m having trouble finding the way around it!
I care about him,
I really do,
Don’t get me wrong, please…
It’s just that…
The boy before him was my first,
And it’s hurting a LOT inside.
It’s odd…
He tried to kiss me before,
And I told him not to.
And it’s even more odd,
Because my current boyfriend tried to do the same,
And I can’t even let him kiss my forehead…
It’s pathetic.
I see girls do this all the time,
Only they go in much more detailed than I do…
And they’re perfectly fine with it.
I don’t understand.
Why can’t I be like that?
Damn, my heart is caving in,
And I can’t give him my whole heart!
It’s empty in there!
I want to,
And I can’t…
Do you know what that’s like?
I can’t stand it!
I want to show him that I really do care,
And kiss him,
And I can’t…
That hollow spot protests,
Because the hole the boy left behind isn’t healed,
And the feeling I get with my boyfriend
Peels off the scab that isn’t finished yet…
Then I’m left in the darkness,
And I feel alone.
I know he doesn’t care…
That’s why he can go so long without
Talking to me…
Besides…
There’s always
Her…
He definitely has her around to
Take care of him…
I hate it.
I wish I was her.
Why can’t I be the girl he needs?
Why does it always have to be HER?
Every time,
Several times in fact,
He’s gone back to her,
Even if she was the one who
Broke up with him!
It’s sad,
And it’s like watching “Romeo and Juliet”
In live person.
I’m not Juliet…
Never was.
Do I care?
For once, I’ll actually say
Yes…
I do care,
Because I’m not lying to myself this time.
The hollow spot in my chest is slightly warm,
Due to my boyfriend’s presence…
But the coldness is still there,
And it’s starting to take over the warmth.
That’s what happened last time,
When I broke up with him.
But the hollowness got even colder after that,
And recently, I’ve taken him back…
A little bit of warmth is better than none
I suppose…
The question is:
Can I take it without feeling wrong?
No.
I still feel wrong with him,
Because I miss the boy from before.
I’m not going to lie.
I do.
And it still hurts to know he doesn’t need me.
You know what my friends say?
They say that they loved someone too,
And they never got them,
Because either they were taken at the time,
Or they just weren’t interested.
Yeah, I know that hurts.
I’ve been there before.
But you know what hurts even more
Than that?
When you wished for them,
GOT them,
And then got left behind like a broken,
Tattered satin doll…
You know why that hurts more?
Because you had them at one point…
And they left you,
So that you felt like you weren’t good enough.
Like you never stood a chance,
And because the person they left you for,
Was better than YOU.
That’s why it hurts so much.
But now the hollow spot is starting to get cold
Again…
I can’t do anything about it.
I can’t look my boyfriend in the face without
Thinking,
“Don’t kiss me… Please, I’m not ready…”
It hurts me to know I’m hurting him.
And he acts like it’s okay,
But I can feel his emotions,
And he’s concerned.
He fears I’ll do it to him again,
Just like I did before, when this happened.
Either I shut up and take the pain,
And let the raw wound burn,
Or I drop him again like before,
And let the hollowness, and cold take over.
I’ll choose the first choice, thank you.
The second one has been tried already,
And I didn’t like it.
So I’ll just stay with him and wait.
Maybe something will happen,
And my heart will finally be fully unlocked.
That’s my dream right now.
That’s what I’m waiting for.
I want to love again,
I want to feel.
I want to walk away from him,
And never look back.
I want to give my boyfriend my whole heart,
And not be afraid to kiss him.
I want to walk down the street, and think,
“It’s good to be alive…”
Instead of thinking,
“Oh God, what will happen to me today…”
I want to move on, and be happy.
I’m sick of this emo-ness…
I love him,
Please understand…
But my addiction keeps us apart.
Like a drunken bastard at a bar without money
To buy another beer.
And he has to settle for the non-alcoholic kind.
I’ll get through.
These scabbed angel wings will heal
Eventually.
Even if that means another eternity
Of torment, and woe,
It will heal.
I’m still waiting,
My rage and anger is starting to fade,
And my addiction is fueled by the fact he doesn’t
Talk to me anymore,
So it helps to stay away from him.
I scared him off with my signature…
So he doesn’t want to talk to me.
Why would I talk to him,
If he’s not my real friend?
Exactly.
"he's gone"
15:02 May 30 2007
Times Read: 535
Wow… For once, I was right about something.
I lost him.
He’s gone for sure now,
I’ve got the news tonight.
He misses HER.
He says he likes her, but you see,
He thinks his negativity won’t get him anywhere,
And he doesn’t think he’s good enough.
My personal opinion?
They’re PERFECT for one another.
Now, I thought she was a nice girl,
I’d emailed her apologizing for what I’d done,
And she’d told me not to worry about it.
But I was wrong.
I saw her the other day, standing outside the tunnel,
Clearly not where she belonged,
And waiting for him.
Me and a friend were walking ahead from where he was,
He didn’t try to catch up,
And there she was, right in front of us.
She asked my friend why he was so far behind,
He said it was because he was walking with me.
You know what’s worse?
Her response.
“Tough luck love.”
Oh yes…
And she turned away with an arrogant expression
On her face…
Now I don’t know about you,
But it sounds to me like she was saying something.
Something more along the lines of,
“Gotcha.”
He never waits for me anymore.
He never tries to catch up if I’m ahead.
And if I were to delete his emails,
He’d never send one to me asking why.
It’s gotten to the point that our friendship
Is about to fizzle out and die.
I don’t know why I even try,
I really don’t.
There’s no point.
In fact,
There never was.
My obsessions run so deep,
I don’t know what to do with myself anymore.
They eat my insides,
I get stress stomach aches,
My head hurts,
And my heart is still deteriorating.
I can’t get over him.
I’ve tried so many times,
And when I do actually say I’m over it,
I’m lying to myself.
I’m really not,
All my friends see through my falsehoods.
Even I see through my falsehoods.
So there’s no point.
They try to help me,
They try to give me advice,
They tell me to walk away,
To ignore him.
Do you know how hard that is?
To walk away from the one person who made you
Happy.
No, it isn’t easy,
And I’m so tired of trying it,
It just isn’t funny.
I have an email from him that goes from beginning
To end.
From the very first time he sent it to me,
When he was angry mind you,
Up until now.
And it’s about 20 some pages long.
If I need an answer to something,
I ask it there, and keep the conversation
From going raw and boring.
That way, when I reflect on it,
I can see the lies he’s holding,
And I can see the laughs we once had,
Even through the anger before.
I can’t help but love him.
But his past girlfriend is just too much.
I hate the fact that I’m at the back end of the fairytale
Again.
You know the story.
Boy breaks up with perfect girlfriend
For another girl.
Boy makes other girl feel special,
Loved,
And then he dumps her for his old one again.
Leaving the other girl heartbroken.
And you know what’s worse?
They never ever follow the story of the one
Who was heartbroken.
You never know what happens to her,
How she gets over it,
Or how she copes with the problem.
They just follow the heroes.
You know where that leaves me?
In the middle of nowhere.
No one knows where I am,
Or what happened to me.
I’m a side character.
A no one.
So here I sit,
Typing my woes away at the computer
Where no one will ever read them,
Or even care for that matter.
I’m on my own now.
I have no one.
Even my friends don’t know what to do,
It’s pathetic.
I’ve never been so helpless in my life.
So down on my knees for someone.
I swore to myself when I was very young
That no boy would EVER take me down.
I’d never go as low as that.
Never fall down, or skin my knees.
I was with my dad then…
Drunk, and crazy as he was,
He still gave me the strength, and the willpower
To do what I’d said.
But now I’m not with him,
And he’s in jail for stupid crimes.
So I’m alone, wondering what happened,
And why I changed my view so quickly…
It couldn’t have been his baby face,
The way he looked at me,
And his voice…
It’s impossible.
Not even the way he treated me,
So sweetly,
So lovingly
Could have taken me down so fast.
I’ve failed at what I was supposed to come,
A cold, lonely person who could stand alone,
And not have to deal with anything like this.
I was right all along.
That hurts the most.
I knew in my heart that he missed her,
And it came right out of the horse’s mouth.
He does.
I was also right on the fact
I never stood a chance.
Not even while we were dating.
It was useless,
Futile,
And pointless.
Empty emails mean nothing.
They only hold words.
They hold thought, or anything else.
So why should I try?
He’s already gone.
"trapped"
15:01 May 30 2007
Times Read: 536
I’m stuck in a hole, and I can’t get out.
I watch the sun come up every day,
And I wonder…
Is it really worth the pain?
So far, my answer’s been yes.
It has been.
For a long time now.
But even though I watch you sometimes,
I still get the feeling I was meant to be with you.
There’s just one problem…
One, but a big one…
You see,
I was left alone.
You left me alone to make life on my own.
And little did you know, that I’d lose my mind.
It’s like taking a knife to my hand,
And slowly drilling the blade through
Until I ooze blood onto the floor into small
Puddles…
I can’t do it anymore.
I don’t have the heart to.
I’ve been waiting here for a little over two weeks.
And nothing has changed inside of me.
I still feel the empty pull of something missing.
And now, I think I may be in too deep.
I’ll never be able to save myself.
Not this time…
Usually I can make it alright.
I can fix the problem
But my problem, is that I’ve done that way too many times,
And it’s starting to backfire on me.
I run in circles, wondering, waiting, thinking…
Wishing…
And I get absolutely nowhere.
It’s like there’s a brick wall in my path that refuses to move,
And I’m trapped in a small cell with
No windows,
No door,
No life.
I have nothing now.
Nothing but the memories that flood my mind,
Day in,
Day out,
And that wander through my dreams like ghosts.
After what I did to him,
I deserve it…
I mean come on, my moods shift like I’m bi-polar,
And my temper gets away from me way too often around my friends.
So why do I even try anymore?
Why?
Damn it, I’ll tell you WHY.
Because it’s like an addiction that I can’t break from.
I can’t stay away from him,
God knows I’ve tried.
And on top of all this, I feel that I’ve pushed him farther away.
I know I have, I can feel it in my veins…
I’ve shoved him so far off, that he’ll never come back.
I’ll never feel him close to me again.
I just killed part of myself saying it…
The worst part of it all, is that I know my limits,
And I can honestly say this knowing it’s true.
It’s the one truth I know I’ll speak, and be able to prove right.
You watch…
I’ll ask him again, some other time in the future,
Because I’m weak like that,
And I’ll get the same answer I have for two weeks…
“I’m still thinking…”
It rings in my head already, like a bell.
And do I have a choice?
No.
I never have.
I never will.
The weakest thing about me, is my lack of bravery.
I can’t tell someone off if they insult me very often,
And when I do, it gets thrown back at me.
So I just let it go.
It doesn’t matter to me anymore.
I’m done.
I even tried to go home.
And the answer to that was “no”.
So I know better than to ask again.
I’m not going anywhere…
I’m trapped in my own personal prison…
And it’s darker than any place I’ve ever been before…
I’ve tried to find a way out.
I’ve checked through all the cracks in the ceiling.
But no matter what I see,
There is no opening inside of me.
Can you find it?
Because I know I can’t.
I’ve already looked.
There was nothing.
I still beat myself up about it.
I won’t find anything to save me.
You can’t.
You’re part of the problem in itself.
So you’re out of the question as a floating device.
As I’ve said before.
I’m on my own this time.
For once, I don’t think I can fix it.
I’ve tried.
And even when I do, I can’t seem to keep it that way.
My temper goes out of hand one moment,
And the next,
I’m on my knees in a crystal swamp of tears.
I doubt you know what I’m talking about…
Not many people understand me,
Hell, I don’t even understand me.
But even if you can’t,
Still one question remains…
Can you forgive me anyway?
Even for my faults?
Because I know I can’t.
I’ve already tried, and all I find, is a brick wall.
That brick wall was the place where I used to reach out to you.
To touch you, and make you feel better.
But after my temper the past few days,
I fucked myself over.
So why even try anymore.
"i watch"
15:01 May 30 2007
Times Read: 537
You know,
I’m not blind…
Although sometimes,
I wish I was.
I watch you at school.
I see you with her all the time.
And even though I just keep walking,
It takes all my strength to do so.
It may look easy to you,
And you may be able to stay away from me
Quite easily sometimes,
But it’s nearly impossible for me to do the same.
I act like it doesn’t bother me.
But it does.
And it hurts,
Even though I’m dating your best friend.
And he cares.
The fact you don’t,
Kills every part of my being.
I saw you today…
You were with her again…
Outside the building you were supposedly
Having class in.
I know, because my boyfriend was with me
At the time,
Going back to class.
It hurt to watch you.
It hurt to see you having so much fun together.
And it hurts now knowing I can’t.
It hurts to know I’m beyond that point now.
I’ll never be there again.
In fact…
I question whether I ever was.
I doubt you sometimes.
It makes me wonder if I ever stood a real chance,
Or if you were just leading me on
For my own happiness…
It kills me,
It does…
And it hurts to know I’ll never make it
To the point where she is now.
You’ll just keep going back to her,
And leaving me behind,
Like I never existed,
Or I never mattered.
I tell everyone that.
I don’t matter…
It’s the truth too,
Otherwise, you’d talk to me.
Something I wrote once freaked you out,
And it chased you away from me.
So here’s my story on that…
Do you know why I wrote it in the first place?
I’ll tell you.
It’s because it really bothers me to know
That you like her still,
And that you left me because of her benefit.
Don’t lie,
I know you did.
And I asked you if you still liked her,
And you said you did…
Ha…
It’s amazing…
You said something about:
“It feels like you’re starving,
But you know if you eat anything
It’ll only make you more miserable.”
Odd…
That makes sense to me somehow.
Know why?
Because that’s how I’ve been feeling
For a very long time now.
Way past the two weeks I claimed a while ago.
It’s been almost two months now.
Almost two months…
And I’m still not over you?
Doesn’t that say something?
I’ll be standing on the sidelines
When she breaks up with you next time,
But I’m not going to be there for you.
You deleted my emails after you decoded
The message I had in my signature.
Sad huh?
It really bothered you that much?
Now you don’t even talk to me.
Does it shock me?
No.
It’s not the first time you’ve deleted my emails.
I’ve just learned how to finally take a hint.
You don’t want to talk to me,
And I’m in too much pain,
To talk to you.
So you’re right in a way.
Why do it?
I backed off, and left you alone.
She’s yours.
I can do nothing about how you feel toward her.
But she can.
She’ll break up with you again,
Just like so many times before.
And you know what?
I’m going to be watching.
Silent, arrogant, and spiteful,
I’ll be watching,
And reveling in every ounce of pain you get,
Because I’ve been there too,
And I know what it’s like,
And you’re the one who scarred me.
I’ll never ever be able to give him my whole heart.
Not after what you’ve done to it.
Duct tape doesn’t hold well,
Let me tell you…
It peels off eventually,
And it gets weaker the more it does.
I’ll never stand up to her standards.
I’ll never be good enough for you.
She’s the only one who can hold your heart…
So why did you do this to me?
I’ve wanted to ask so many times…
So much…
Why?
Why did you do this to me?
Can’t you at least give me that much liberty?
I deserve to know what went through your head.
I’ve heard too many different versions.
Everything from you not caring,
To you just lost interest,
To you don’t think you’re good enough for me.
Is it true?
Or was it her creeping into your thoughts…?
I know better.
I’m sixteen years old,
And growing.
I know when something’s up,
Even though I’ve never been in a relationship until I met you.
He’s not the same,
Though I love him.
I love him the way I should have loved you,
Wherever I went wrong
To push you away,
I’m sorry…
And I hope she does you good,
Although I’d love to see the opposite.
And I hope you learn to grow up,
And accept that people love you,
And not to question it.
You’ll just push them away like a child.
It’s pathetic really.
I should be stronger.
I’m not.
And I’m sorry I burdened you so long.
I’m sorry I can’t help the way I feel.
And I’m sorry I ever loved you.
I’ll watch some more.
I’ll see you around with her more now,
I know I will.
You’re always with her,
Whether you walk her home,
Or you’re just hanging out.
It hurts me…
It stings like a cannon ball hit me in the chest.
And you know,
You were right about one thing…
It really does feel like you’re starving,
And you’ll just go on starving,
Won’t you?
Well…
I will at least.
I don’t know about you though…
You might actually get your fill this time…
I know I won’t.
Luckily for me though,
I found something to make me strong…
And it isn’t my current boyfriend.
It’s my long lost brother.
I feel close to him already,
And I haven’t heard from him in a long time.
Ten years at the most I think…
I don’t even remember.
He’s twenty now,
Isn’t that great?
I love it…
It’s so cool to hear from him…
Maybe he can take my mind off of you.
He’s supporting me well already.
He’s concerned about my depression,
But other than that,
He’d like to kick your ass.
I’d love to watch…
Stalker?
Yeah,
You could call me that I guess.
Pictures,
Pain,
Wishes,
Spying,
Following,
And all that jazz.
I guess you can call me that.
But at least I have a heart,
And at least I have the brains
To not follow someone who doesn’t love me.
Or do I?
Maybe I’m not as smart as I thought.
Hmm…
That’s not the first time,
Now is it?
Oh well.
I’ll get there eventually.
For now,
I’ll watch.
And when karma finally comes,
I’ll me smiling in my mind,
Knowing for once I was right.
"lonely"
15:00 May 30 2007
Times Read: 538
Sometimes, I just can’t understand myself.
I’m lost in my own messed up mind.
Do you know what that’s like?
To sit there, and wonder about yourself,
Day in,
Day out,
And you have no idea WHY you act the way you do.
I do that all the time.
In fact, I’ve done it so many times,
I just don’t even count anymore.
I made several bad mistakes in my life.
One of which, was meeting boys, or girls for that matter.
So I’m just going to stop.
Shut it all off.
Turn off the lights, and pop the light bulb,
So that it never shines again.
But that’s just me.
Some people would do otherwise.
Some of the smarter ones just move on.
I’m not smart like everyone else.
I’m just a screw-up.
I gave up a long time ago, so why did I start again?
It makes no sense to me.
It never has, the way my mind ticks…
I saw him around the school a long time ago…
I never even knew his name.
All I knew was how he
Walked,
Talked,
Acted,
Dressed,
Looked…
It was all there.
Every single detail I needed to make it die.
To make it die inside so that I would
Kneel in pain at his feet,
And wish for something more.
So I decided to give in to the pain,
And I became his friend.
Why pain?
Because that’s all it brought me.
Yes, I cared about him.
But I wasn’t about to say it.
I knew that if I did, then things would go wrong.
And I was right.
I was right from the very beginning.
The moment I figured out what the confusing
Bubbles were buzzing my chest,
I knew I was fucked.
I wasn’t going anywhere though.
I couldn’t stay away from him,
It was like a drug.
And then one day, he found out.
And my whole world flew, fell, crashed, and burned.
It flew, because he felt the same.
It fell because he had to make a choice.
It crashed, because I was the reason for the choice,
And it burned, because the outcome, brought him guilt.
That’s how it turned out in the end.
Like I said.
Right from the very beginning.
But of course, I still couldn’t stay away from him.
There was still that drug,
Coursing through my veins,
And making me ill.
Physically, and mentally ill.
As if I wasn’t already…
Great…
Another mistake made.
The only other person I was ever good enough for,
I had no feelings for in the same manner.
And I ended up dating him for two reasons.
1) To get over the heartbreaker.
2) To see if anything could happen between us.
Did it work?
Well, the first plan did.
But the second one failed miserably,
And I ended up doing to him,
What the heartbreaker did to me.
And I never even meant to do it.
So now there came a chain…
The heartbreaker chased someone else,
Supposedly… I’m not sure…
I’m still chasing the heartbreaker,
And now the lovesick one, is chasing me.
But it doesn’t end there.
There’s a girl chasing the lovesick one too.
Great.
A new member…
Another name to add to the list of
Plot twists, and scary themes…
And another person I screwed over.
Wonderful.
Something else is my fault…
If I’d never told him how I felt,
And I’d kept my mouth shut,
He never would have made the choice,
And none of this would have ever happened.
I’d be fine.
But no.
I opened my mouth.
See, this is when the lesson of,
“Learn to shut up”
Came from.
And take the advice.
Because believe me or not,
It works.
If you shut up,
You don’t have problems like mine,
And you move on.
Yeah, I would have cried a while.
And yes, I probably would have become depressed.
But would it have lasted as long?
No.
It would have went away,
Now wouldn’t it?
Awful, awful choices…
And every one I seem to make afterwards,
Ends badly.
I can’t win, for losing.
It just goes in circles.
I get nowhere.
He doesn’t want me anymore.
The lovesick one asked him about it.
The heartbreaker said he was over me.
Does it shock me?
Slightly, yes, I’ll admit that…
But can I move on?
I don’t think I can.
The drug still races through me,
Even though I see him with another girl,
Another girl he says he doesn’t need anymore,
The girl admitted that too,
I still think they are secretly dating now.
It wouldn’t surprise me.
I’ve never been good enough for anyone.
And I know the lovesick one will get over me,
Just like all the others have.
I’ve never had a relationship that lasted long.
The heartbreaker was the record.
A max of four weeks.
Four weeks of happiness,
Reason,
Meaning,
And best of all…
Love.
And just as before, did it last?
No.
Of course not.
True love does not exist.
It never has,
It never will.
The only thing that DOES exist,
Is the heartbreak it leaves behind.
And besides,
It wouldn’t last past high school.
I know that for a fact.
The only truly happy people,
Are married, and old,
And you know what?
They’re not even REALLY happy…
Whatever.
I don’t care anymore.
The awkwardness between the lovesick one and me,
And the pain between the heartbreaker and me,
Is just too much to bear anymore.
I can’t take it.
Cold turkey,
I’ll get over the drug that has me addicted.
I’m not going to be lonely forever.
I’ll find someone.
It doesn’t matter anymore anyway,
It isn’t like he’s coming back.
I’m alone,
Fine,
I can deal with that,
I’ve done it before.
But I’m curious…
About his future…
What’ll become of him?
I bet he grows old ALONE,
With no one to care about him.
That’s what he wants anyway.
I hope he gets it.
The bastard deserves every moment of pain
He gets,
And I’ll be glad to supply extra
In case he runs out.
"sick"
02:06 May 16 2007
Times Read: 547
I realized the truth a few days ago…
Something I wish I hadn’t known.
And then it came anyway
Like a storm
And I saw your face inside
The whirlwind.
I’m sick of playing your stupid games,
The ones where you think you’re king.
I think of things all the time
But this never even crossed my mind.
And here I am, wishing again.
For no reason.
You don’t want me…
You NEVER wanted me.
So I’m stuck here, watching you
Waste away, and me laughing all the way,
And I’m telling you now…
I’m SICK of this.
You lead me in circles like a sick carousel,
The twisted dancing horses and the
Circling benches where you sit
Watching
Laughing
And mocking…
Do I care anymore?
No.
I no longer love you.
I lost that a while ago.
You shoved it out of me the moment
I heard the sound…
“He wants you to hate him so you get over it…”
Yeah.
That’s what your friend said.
Your BEST friend.
The one you trust so much?
He told me everything…
I’m angrier than I’ve ever been.
Being double crossed isn’t fun.
I’ve been there before.
This isn’t my first time.
I thought you really loved me.
I thought you really cared.
But I guess once again,
I messed up thinking I was right
For once…
I wasn’t…
Honestly, its okay, I’ve done it before.
I know what its like,
And I know how to get over it.
It’s just going to take some time.
I hate you for this,
I really honestly, and truly do.
False hope?
What was your game anyway?
Oh, oh I see…
For my future benefit, huh?
Let me tell you something about that…
YOU don’t control my future, I do.
And I’m not going to let you tell me
Whether I’m going to make relationships
Or not.
I loved you…
I trusted you…
And I denied every bad thought that
Crept into my mind,
Because you were DIFFERENT.
Well I was wrong.
You’re no different than everyone else.
If not, you’re
Worse.
You pushed me over the edge,
Something very few people have been able to do,
And you expect me to forgive you?
No.
I won’t.
I refuse.
You dug your grave,
Now dig yourself back out in China.
Somewhere far, far away from here.
Away from ME.
I can get over you.
I’ve gotten over lots of people.
The bad thing is, you were the strongest
I’ve ever felt for in my life.
And you go and do something like this…
Can I ask why?
I mean,
BESIDES my future gain?
Was there some logic in the words you spoke
About not being good enough?
You said you had nothing to think about that night,
And it came into your mind…
Well then don’t think anymore.
STOP IT.
All your thoughts do, is kill me,
And I’m tired of your self loathing.
You once said you didn’t feel that way around me,
You LIAR.
Great…
Now I felt like I had a purpose,
And that was all false too, wasn’t it?
You claim that it’s better to be alone when you get old,
So that you don’t have to hurt because you lost something.
Well didn’t you lose something anyway?
Your heart?
What about that, huh?
I take it that doesn’t matter?
It doesn’t surprise me…
NOTHING matters to you,
Not even me.
Personally, I think you’re sick.
I think you need to go to a mental hospital,
And straighten out your sick thinking.
Because that has no logic at all.
Why would I hate you?
I loved you.
Even if you messed something up,
Do you honestly think I’d care?
No.
We all make mistakes.
Mine happened to be letting my stone heart crumble,
And allowing you inside.
The second the walls came down,
You shove that stake through my heart with a hammer,
And made me bleed.
So I put the walls back up now with my hate.
And it’s going to be very, very hard to ever
Earn my trust back.
And I’ve had trust problems all my life.
Congratulations.
You killed another girl.
But it’s okay, seriously, I’ll be FINE.
Just remember me as the girl you once knew to be happy,
And loving,
And caring,
And had a heart of gold who tried to help you,
And failed.
That’s a wonderful title isn’t it?
Don’t you love the sound of that?
I failed…
Repeat that over and over.
I could make that into a song actually…
Hmm…
That’s something to consider doing later on.
When I have nothing else to do.
See?
I can be sick minded too…
You just keep in mind that you’ve killed me inside,
And I’ll never be trusting again.
I’ve had trust problems before,
You know that more than anyone else.
I guess when people know too much about you,
It makes it easier for them to hurt you.
So I’m going to watch myself now,
And be more careful,
Just like you said,
Although that’ll probably make you proud.
I don’t care.
As long as I never have to deal with this agonizing pain
Ever again,
And I get away from you.
Do us all a favor emo kid,
And take a walk “down the road”.
No one needs to deal with someone who’s going to hurt them,
For their “benefit”.
It does NOTHING for you.
The only reason you feel it’s a good thing,
Is because people hurt you too.
There’s no need to take me down with you.
I refuse to go.
I don’t care what reasons you propose,
There is nothing more important than
Love.
And I’m going to make you pay for the pain.
All of it,
Right down to the horrible memories…
I hope you realize that being sick
Doesn’t have to count for the flu,
Or having a cold…
It counts on the inside of the mind as well.
Welcome to my dementia.
"lost"
01:06 May 15 2007
Times Read: 550
I’ve been in so much pain,
I’m immune to it…
Some say, “Pain doesn’t hurt
When it’s
All you’ve
Ever felt…”
In my case, it’s true…
I’m sick,
Mentally, and
Emotionally sick, but I
Suck it up, and
Live
Alone.
Love is pain.
It’s the very essence of pain.
But I don’t want to be
Alone…
I’m confused…
You told me once that you were
Deciding.
On what?
I see you two together
Sometimes and think,
‘I don’t stand a chance…”
But then another day, I
Wake up, and you hand me a
Poem with your emotions…
You’re lost…
You can’t choose between me,
And a girl who’s your current girlfriend.
It’s obvious…
You love her.
I know you do, don’t
Lie to me…
Lie? No. You wouldn’t.
I know you too well.
But then…
Who?!
I love you…
So does she…
You love me…
As well as her…
I don’t want to hurt her…
Neither do you, as she doesn’t
Want hurt either.
I’m lost…
I got a note from you
Explaining
Your
Decisions…
One word…
Why?
You are with her, not me.
Why do you need to choose?
I’m a nothing.
A no one.
Nothing but a fascinating shadow
That caught your eye.
So let go.
Let me go in
Pain.
You deserve her, not me.
My emotions projected with my
Loneliness and
Interfered.
Does she even know yet?
She’s lost…
She has no idea you love me.
No idea of your plans,
Or my worries on your
Choice…
I didn’t want to get in
The way. I tried not to.
But I did…
The moment I told
You my feelings…
Accident……Accident……
It was all an accident.
Loving you… Making you love me…
Forcing you to choose…
And then I see you together.
And it’s the opposite of what you tell me.
She isn’t what I imagined,
Coming from you at least.
I made you a promise.
I promised I’d never let it get between
Our friendship.
That last part echoes…
Friendship…
Friendship…
I’m lost again…
Is that all it ever will be?
Or would you honestly give her up for me?
And if so, then why?
Truths!
I want truths!
She seems to love you.
It feels that way…
And you seem to love her.
Complicated.
I have nothing against
Her. Never have.
Never will.
I’ll go out of my way to
Make sure of it.
Watch me…
I’m immune to pain.
Hurt me as much as you like,
It won’t hurt much.
Much…
Lost again…
I make no sense in my stanzas…
They run together.
I’ll make it simple, and short.
Don’t think I’m going to
Abandon our friendship
If you want to stay with her.
Don’t be afraid to hurt me a bit
If you do stay with her, I
Can handle the pain just fine.
Don’t feel obligated to be with me.
I want you to be happy.
No matter what that
Means I must sacrifice.
Including you…
Don’t felt torn between us,
Simply because you say she’s a certain way,
And list a bunch of cons…
Pro’s too!
I’m not lost anymore.
And I love you.
"the gun"
17:07 May 12 2007
Times Read: 557
Cold… Dark… And a full moon ablaze with light…
My body is freezing now.
It’s shutting itself down…
I’m falling into an internal oblivion, shattering
My soul
My heart and
My mind…
But it’s okay…
He’s still breathing…
As long as he walks, breaths, is alive,
Then I’ll be fine.
It’ll be painless…
But I still feel the pain… Why?
It puts me in “Nothing Land”,
Where I belong…
Where nothing can steal away my sanity, except him.
And he’s not around to do it…
He’s with her…
I’m alone…
He’s standing before me now, smiling.
A girls hand in his own…
Not mine…
Never mine…
I feel the stab of my insides…
They’re imploding, collapsing…
Desperately, I reach for the bullet in my pocket…
It’s there, but where’s the gun?
Where did it go?
It’s gone…
Like my mind…
Oh wait, it’s already in my hands,
Loaded, cocked, and waiting for my command…
To fire…
It’s cold again…
Time’s running out…
It’s now or never, and I choose…
To wait…
Just one more glance…
He can’t see me crying now, the glass orbs
Falling onto the black nightmare in my hands.
All he sees right now, is
Her…
The girl I wish I was.
I’ll never be good enough.
I’ll never make it…
Never…
So why try? Why not pull the trigger now? Why wait?
He’s the distraction.
Remove him, and I can…
My tears sparkle in the moonlight,
Like tiny blue gems, splattered on
The gun…
The gun…
It’s okay…
It’ll be painless…
I move my hand to my head.
The nose of the gun is against my temple.
And he still can’t see me.
He’s laughing now, she must have said
Something funny…
Once again, I’m falling into
“Nothing Land”.
My only real nightmare come true.
I’m falling
Falling
Falling…
Into oblivion…
Into “Nothing Land”…
Into insanity…
Suddenly they’re both laughing,
A pretty picture in the middle of a wasteland…
My wasteland…
My emptiness…
My soul,
My heart,
My mind…
I squeeze my eyes shut in pain.
He’s killing me.
He’s tearing me apart, and he
Doesn’t even realize he’s doing it…
Time’s ticking, only a few
Seconds left now…
Then they’ll disappear…
The figment will be gone.
He’ll be gone…
Then I can do it…
Then I can do it…
But they’re not fading away…
Instead, he leans down and kisses her…
The pain is almost unbearable, and
The glistening tears stream down my already
Salty cheeks.
The bullet’s in the gun…
Shoot the gun…
I turned my face away in shame.
The gun in my hand, against my temple…
Waiting…
When I open my eyes, he’s alone…
And watching me…
He’s screaming… Why?
He isn’t real…
Is he?
It doesn’t matter.
The pain is ripping me open.
Real or imaginary…
I stare at him, my face still
Twisted in pain…
He understands…
He knows…
And it hurts…
He’s running after me in the exact moment
I pull the trigger, and whisper “I love you…”
His screaming becomes an echo…
The pain begins to stop…
The light disappears…
Movement ends…
And I collapse into the sweet embrace of death…
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