fringenightmare's Journal
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3 entries this month
00:24 Sep 18 2014
Times Read: 432
The storm that rages outside my window will never match the intensity of the one that rages inside my mind. Winds of anger, rain of tears that long to fall and thunder of unheard screams. Unlike most storms though it will not pass, it has been growing for years now. It will grow until it can no longer be contained, it will grow until I give in to the storm.
The foundation is falling apart as it is, I don't know how much it can take before the walls come falling down around me. I do not fear it anymore though, now I welcome it. I want to get caught in this storm, I want to get caught in the flood of tears not yet cried. I long to know if I have just become this broken shell, or does something still hide deep inside.
I want my walls to fall, I want to escape the prison I made for myself. What I thought would protect me, has drained me and left me with nothing to give. I want to feel it all again if only for a moment, but if I have learned anything it is that when that storm hits if there is anything left then it will feel like I am being thrown through the foundation by the storm instead of it coming down around me. I hope there is still enough there though to feel that pain.
07:47 Sep 17 2014
Times Read: 444
Through the window everything can seem so tidy and neat, but it is a trick darling. The frosted glass hides what truly lies with in. Do not be fooled darling by what is in the mirror the steam has blurred the true picture. Do not be fooled by the smile I wear, it is merely just a mask.
The window lets us see what it is we want, what we crave and what we need. It shows everything that we envied of others. It paints the picture, the fantasy of we create in our minds. It is merely just that it is the fantasy we long for and the idea of the fantasy we need to survive the cruel reality.
The mirror shows us the truth in the lies we have told so long that we believe them. The mirror reflects this it will not show you what is truly within for how long have we been lying to people and to ourselves trying to convince not just them but ourselves that we are okay. If you look past the fogged up glass you may see the pain beneath the surface. You may see the raw, ugly and, angry person you truly are.
Do not take the mask I wear as is, there is always something more behind the words and the smile. Why would I show what is beneath you do not care much about the pain. Though I don't expect you to. When has anyone truly cared about the pain that plagues me? When has anyone ever looked at it as anything more than a mere inconvenience to them? I have never expected anyone to really care. I have never expected any one to look past the fake smile and the words spoken with a dead voice. I have never expected anyone to notice the tears that fall in the dead of night when all is silent. I never expected anyone to notice the silent tears that fall while I sit by them trying to keep my voice steady. I never expected it because why was I worth the energy.
My mirror no longer hides the ugly person I am. I can't lie to myself about the pain and anger that lays beneath the surface. I am an ugly person for I am selfish. I want someone to look pass my words and fake smile. I want someone to notice the tears I cry when it is the only way to ease the pain enough to fall into the uneasy sleep that will let me forget for a few hours. I want someone to notice the rapid blinking, the hitch in my voice and the hiccup to cover the sob as I sit by them. It is selfish for I know I am not worth the energy and if I find myself unworthy, why would anyone else see anything more.
The calling to the storm
06:42 Sep 13 2014
Times Read: 468
The storm raged outside her window, she had hoped that she had not brought it in by projecting her anger out into the planes but at least the raging storm calmed her a little. Tonight all she wanted was her love but he was gone, he would return when the sun set in two days but she wanted him more then ever tonight.
This was how they were though both had to roam the world for different reasons, he did it in hopes to make their lives better. He did it for her. She had to because her soul had always disliked staying in one place to long, she could fill that need just enough by lucid dreaming and projecting energy into other planes so it wasn't a constant yearning. Didn't mean she was happy while her love was away though, she needed him to find the peace to sleep.
Tonight she had hoped that the storm may lull her to sleep but she found herself restless. Without much thought she went from their bedroom to their back door and started to walk in the direction in which the storm was coming from. The heavy pour of rain soaked her nightgown, the wind chilled her to the bone. She still hadn't fully grasped what had drawn her out but when she fell to her knees completely drained of everything. She was angry she was frustrated and she need her lover, she needed sleep. Lightening struck around her followed by the loud crack of thunder over her body, slowly she felt energy filling her. She started to pull energy from the storm as she laid there getting completely soaked.
When she finally let go of the anger and the frustration the storm was dying down and moving north, she slowly stood and looked out into the woods to see blue eyes watching her. She watched the blue eyes looking at her and after a moment turned her back on the wolf. She would now sleep, it would be peaceful. Whether she had brought the storm and the wolf or her lover had she was grateful. For though she did not feel entirely better she would be able to rest.
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