The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

I'm getting USE to USED
04:49 Feb 21 2017
Times Read: 432

I finally reached the breaking point on February 19th 2017. I calmly grabbed a piece of paper and began writing down the pros & cons of the hormone therapy I had been undergoing for the past 3 & 1/2 years. I was exactly half way through the complicated 7 year treatment when I thought to myself "why?" If I'm fated to end up alone why would I also inflect this misery onto myself. At the end my tear stained list had more cons than pros and almost all the pros revolved around a PENDING Break-Up. It was too late tho, I had fallen out of love



I met him on April 22 in 2015, a stranger whom I had become acquainted with on the internet. We instantly clicked but his affection fell short even after we had danced with the devil, I got him a stable career and built up his reputation. I still wasn't good enough. We went through a lot together, two suicide attempts and two miscarriages, a rape and several moves (& periods of unemployment) but through it all we progressed or I thought we did. He had ads on CRAIGSLIST for a FWB which is how he saw me, that was the bottom line for me. I stopped trusting him then & there. Then he chose two girls on the internet over me.

I moved forward with my life gaining a career as an OFFICE MANAGER for a company that was expanding as quickly as a good eater at a Home Town Buffet. Staying with a co-worker until my three bedroom house was ready to move in. I had it all, a job that valued me and my life stabling out, I was so proud. Then one late night in the office with my boyfriend (and I will call him BOYfriend since we had titles but he was no man - and you'll find out why) when he got a phone call from an enraged Grandmother. His Grandmother is like the Den Mother of the Rooster Cage who keeps everything in line (or so she thinks).

She yelled at him that he was stupid for being with a nomad (aka me, because I switch jobs like I switch hair colors - but at least I have ONE! Which is more than I can say for your kids!) That she wanted him to go back to school (because that's going to help a convicted Sex Offender get a job... well my my Mr. Anonymous you have such a high education level I guess we can overlook your crime against humanity). She put fear and doubt back into his heart about visiting me, that he's just wasting money and risking his freedom. As if she knew about wasting money, you'd rather pay for a false security than open your eyes to the TRUTH. Truth is your grandson can't do SHIZZ without me. I'm the driving force behind every career or interview he's had since he's been out of LOCKUP! But do I get ANY fukking credit? Of course not, I'm just the bitch that wrote the one word which you haven't dealt with online... and you need to Woman because you won't be able to fight THAT battle when it comes to getting him a job. Try it, I DOUBLE DOG DARE YOU!

I realized during there conversation that he hadn't mentioned I was his girlfriend nor he had the intention to marry me. In fact, I was just a secret, like I was in the past. I'm just his convenient fukk & occasional gifts and food. As he grunted in the other echoing room I ran to gothic websites that explained how suicide worked. Then I thought to myself why would I be the one to look up this shizz? If I'm dead inside already I should just run into the arms of someone who would care for me. Ironically my ex husband (the abusive druggie) had just recently emailed me that he was sorry XYZ and I reread his email almost a dozen times thinking "at least you would fight your family for me, if anything you did that right. I NEVER felt below them, EVER."

Is BAD in Blood?
04:48 Feb 21 2017
Times Read: 433




What should I expect? It's in the blood right? He couldn't control himself before and why should it be any different now. I'm over it. I don't feel angry or sad, in fact I feel almost relieved. I can move on peacefully without regret knowing I tried to be a good girl. I really did. Despite the fact I may be difficult and suicidal it certainly is no reason to cheat on me. However in the end as much as he loathed being compared to other men he is just like all the rest of my incredibly tragic past. He'll never be more than what he is... he's made his bed & I'm tired of doing his laundry for him just to have my heart crash to the floor into a hundred pieces from seeing all my work unraveled at the seams. I regret wasting my time mostly. It's an attribute through all my past relations I can't get back.

Alas, time to focus on reality. Time to focus on me, the never ending & always striving for hiring accomplishments heroine of her own sick deranged story. I'm done with hormones, and with relationships for that matter. I'll bottle it away, I'm 30 now my time has passed. I'll focus on one night stands with strangers on fetlife with exotic tastes that will have me tongue tied for days or romance without strings from admirers who would envy all the chances, gifts and affection I've given lovers of the past.

To Be The Question or The Answer
04:47 Feb 21 2017
Times Read: 434

Will I ever be enough? The question that haunts most paranoid lovers. The question that defines my generation. Sadly it's become a two part questionnaire dependent upon 1) current self confidence/esteem level & 2) current needs/desires of partner. The answer unfolds largely on the value of the secondary as most people's primary concern isn't themselves but the thoughts of others (society's mostly). We've conditioned ourselves to focus on what the "public" sees more than what we want to believe.



But here's where I get totally emo on you guys so prior to replying with help hotline numbers let me first state 1) though it's depressive I assure you suicide prevention isn't necessary (but thank you for concern) & 2) my mental health must be stable if I'm able to logically (or not if you don't agree) write paragraph 1 so again no, I don't need the number to any clinics... Moving fwd



After a tragic number of failed relationships all stemming from lies & betrayal I've decided I'm not good enough for anyone. I've got too much emotional & psychological baggage for any person (of any gender, sexual orientation, religion, age or cultural background) to take on. I've been on hormonal therapy for a few years & though I use to have a fwb to help me out since we "no longer talk" by his testimony & I'm on the verge of breaking up with my "I'm not over my ex" gf, I've decided if I should ever feel "the urge" that I'll literally just safely whore around.



After being strung along by my last "fwb" I've pretty much understood why there are rules involved in the process (so they don't accidentally "catch feelings" for each other). Somehow saying that doesn't feel right based on my morality but I'm creeping on 30 & who has morals now in days anyway right? After all I spent 28 years being "the good girl", "the loyal one" & now here I am with nothing to show for it except some mental scarage. Pathetic



But Nini, wouldn't it be easier to just fool around with that shady fwb you had before? After all now you know he's just stringing you along



Hmmmm I've thought about it but a lies a lie even when it's white & if you've lied once you'll lie again & what happens when lies become the truth? It's not uncommon for pathological liars to believe their own bs & I won't be an enabler to that. After all sometimes my own sanity is in question. Plus tbh he's never "in the moment" with me, I still remember trying to make love to him & it just turned into fukking. He's extremely vanilla regardless if I beg or buy fun/playful toys or come up with cute scenarios. Not to mention a miscarriage.



Whaaaaa???? A miscarriage?



An Ectopic pregnancy in my tubes, excruciatingly painful (google it). When I told him he became cold & distant even though I assured him I would get it "taken care of". And before you start judging me cuz "now he's worried he can get you pregnant"... 1) I don't mind using condoms 2) I wasn't suppose to be able to get pregnant 3) I am on birth control (and was at the time of conception) 4) I'm very pro choice especially when it comes to fatal circumstances like fallopian pregnancies & 5) even if I had given birth I wouldn't demand his support/help. I guess the saddest part is the only time he sort of became my "friend" again is when I suddenly "miscarried".



I'll go into why I quoted that word in a later article.



The only time he was a true "friend" was right after I attempted suicide but that lasted for a week & he went right back to his typical douche bag self. It's honestly so hard for me to explain why I fell so utterly in love with him when he's all the reasons I loath my exes. History repeating itself #Karma



So to make this short he's not a very good friend, he's vanilla in bed & he lies (& lets just sprinkle on that I was hoping for a future with him despite the fact he flirts with any & all girls he possibly can from stupid cyber space & lame social media apps) & I won't fall victim to that kind of bs again. I need to stay focused & understand my place (& instead of whoo-ing him with affectionate remarks & gifts) I should be keeping these ideas & energy to someone who will actually appreciate me & want me (in that romantic way).

Lies Break Trust
04:46 Feb 21 2017
Times Read: 436

My name isn't of importance, but to create a connection you can refer to me as Nini. Simply put I'm sexually confused. The moment I found out about asexuality I became obsessed & relieved that not only had i found a label but also that I fit so perfectly into it, like finding the right table to sit at during lunch in HS. Horrible analogy I know but moving forward...

After a failed marriage & several god awful relationships (both hetero & homo) I finally found salvation (awkwardly) in my "fwb" which I despise calling it because in my opinion "friends with benefits" is undermining either the term friendship or the benefits between two true friends. I'll rant about that in a later post I'm sure but navigating back to the current point at hand. I met the cliche guy with a broken past who didn't have much of a future unless I intervened thus I became

MIRACLE GIRL!!!!!

Got him a career, a future, self confidence, etc etc

Spoiled him with dinners, gifts, compliments & sex (being his first for multiple acts/inquires)



But then hold the breaks... Am I a demisexual? (Gasp?) because I wanted to have sex with him. Not because I liked it but because I thought that's what lovers do. Isn't that what lovers do? But we weren't lovers... I loved him, he "loved" me too (supposedly) but not enough to like be with me, just enough to feel guilty if I made him feel guilty with a sigh or look or something I said but not guilty enough to be sexually open nor want to start a relationship with me. Confused? Yea me too but that's my "fwb"



The oh too classic tragedy of being played but the predator cries "I'm just the victim of society" & you fall into Stockholm Syndrome... I fell in love with small (what I presumed romantic) acts that turned out to be meaningless, probably pity



I was heartbroken when I even offered to wait for him & he was like "well under different circumstances we don't know what would have happened between us"... Hmmm "under different circumstances you still can't definitely say 'we'd be together can you?' (After all I've done for you... Tisk Tisk) Well fukk you right back"



My heartbreak was completely manifested when I got with my current gf who on day 2 confessed she was falling for me, day 3 said ily & proposed AND (wait for it) on day 11 I heard her practically begging her ex for confirmation of their love. Don't I know how to pick them huh? "Sick" she decided to go to bed early & I jumped online (nothing new in my agenda) to discover that my fwb had been telling his friends we don't speak anymore. Great, I fell in love with 2 liars now. Adding them to the long list of my terrible judgement...



It sounds incredibly stupid but one lie can break trust & confidence... He had already lied to me before (details to that will be written in another article)



As of now, I can't describe the surreal pain I'm feeling. I just can't. I want to cry but I have no tears. I've been holding my chest for over an hour & im freezing cold. My breath is icy & im shivering... I feel like all my emotion is finally used up. My last ily's were used on foolish, undeserving people & I'm stuck in loves purgatory now. Hopelessness, Numb, Abandon... Lost.



So hurt by men, hurt by women...hurt more by men than women because I loved the men harder. Secretly hetero perhaps? In denial since they are a minority for women (who are statistically more sexually fluid). I never thought sexuality was a choice but idk if I'm conditioned by failure & heartache as an asexual or if I'm demisexual & if I was demisexual can I become asexual under the intense relationatory abuse I've been substigated to? Pathological lying, emotional & physical assault, rape, constant accusation of lying (to the point I won't even speak about events that happened unless I have evidence because I'm paranoid about my own memories), and more...