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a certain vr member is driving my hormones crazy;) men just plain rock! *swoon*

i found some peace this weekend

i am glad

though it may be fleeting

it was well taken

the world lashes about me

each day i arise it throws me its worst

i wait it out

i look on the brightside

things will turn around

lots of folks have it worse off than me



boss cannot find a nice thing to say

even if she'd treat me like a human

that would be something

i go in day in and out

work like a dog

while a lot of others work only enuff

to keep their job

nothing i do is enough

im the whipping boy

the lackey

the spineless beast of burden



id quit but too many people depend on my paycheck

and i do a great job at work

i make a difference in hundreds of peoples lives

each year

quitting due to one person

who has forgot her humanity

is a crime

i cannot quite commit

yet...



but i'd work an eternity under my boss

to erase the tumor in my gramma

they found today

i want to cry and scream and rage

but people depend on me to be strong

my staff

the families

the kids

my kids

my dad

my gramma

my family



there's no time for me to cry

time is for doing and fixing and helping

time is for fighting



i feel so much emotion in me

flooded is my soul

everything is awash

i feel achingly empty

and ready to burst all at the same time



i want to act

to do something that would make it all ok

thats what i do

i fix things

but i cant focus

its too much

i cant even pull out the eyelash wedged in my eye



maybe thats good

maybe its holding back the wall of tears

maybe...

It is a beautiful day here in Oregon. I spent a relaxing late morning finishing a book I had started, Every Which Way But Dead.



Witches, Vampires, Pixies, Elves, murder, corruption, and sex;)



Yesterday had a few good points as well. My new car lost the main rear oil seal, which totally sucked. My first new car ever and it goes belly up. But it's still under warranty, yeah, better be *grin*, so the repair will be free.



But since the repairman never saw this go out so early on a new model, they had no parts in stock. So instead of being stuck in the repair shop all day, I got to visit with my best friend Alta.



It was a great day of not doing anything much. We checked out underwear at Freddies'. She is haunting the "heavy metal" boxers until she gets the entire collection...hehe.



I shared my new CD finds from the bargain bin from Vortex (I discovered Cruxshadows and adore them) and she was happy with a new Wiccan group she found. Alta told me it's nice to find a group that shares her religious beliefs.



We picked up munchies, had a fast-food breakfast while discussing our sex lives, then thought since we were on the subject of sex we'd go "toy shopping".



As we browsed the aisles, we made lots of comments, embarrassed the guy working, and Alta tested a nice whip on my ass. It was a great time, although she neglected to purchase that whip;)



A couple hours later, a few *ahem, a lot* dollars shorter, and lots of giggles and laughs later we both left the store with nice, discreet black bags.



Miss Alta is so great to hang out with. We both shared our joys and disappointments since the last time we'd been together.



She found her bisexual side earlier this year, and I have to admit that when I'm with her, I do find myself a bit curious.



Ah well, that would need to be a whole separate entry;)

If I offended anyone reading my journal with my last rant, I'm sorry. I just sometimes feel like I'm going to burst if I don't get out what I'm feeling. And if I verbalize what is in me without thinking it through first, then life sucks even more. So writing my thoughts to help gather them and center me works.



My gramma is my life. She raised me until I was 12; I've "raised" her for the next 27 years. And no, she does not want to go. We had a good talk, and I have faith that things will be ok.



But I won't let anyone go against her wishes; be they blood or not....

To my dad and uncle:



So, you want to take Gramma across the country, alone on a plane, at 91 years old. You want her to leave the only home she has known and move to live with you, Uncle Tom.



OK, I know you have MS and that you aren't doing well. I know you might not be here a lot longer. But why don't you visit her?



Have you even tried to see her for what, 13 years is it?? And dad, what the fuck?? The only reason you see her at all is becuase you are disabled and I took you into my home--which happens to be where Gramma lives.



Did both of you forget that I have taken care of Gramma since I was 12 years old?? No, I am not embellishing. I ended my childhood that year, and have bathed, clothed, nurtured her after the stroke. I did the therapy; emptied the "piss pot"; stayed in the hospital each and every time without a break, without you all remembering to give me even food money while I was there.



I made Gramma happy; understood her new language after the stroke; translated for everyone. I have taken her to all the doctors, gave her anything she needed and wanted.



Uncle Tom, how many f-ing times have you just left from staying at our house because you had a new woman and Gramma was cramping your style?? How many times for you Dad???



I stayed@! I never walked out! I never gave up!

God, you both piss me off so much. I really hate you both right now for even making me think about all this.



Gramma would have been dead long ago if not for all that I have done to make sure that she is always happy no matter what shit you two are putting her through. I gave up my life, and now you want to take her from me and put her at risk??



Who will know what she wants? Who will take her to the flower shows she loves? Did you even freaking ask her what she would like? NO, of course not.



You both suck! Gramma deserves such better sons than both of you. She would have been in a nursing home if you would have had your way.



I am so angry right now I can't even type anymore. You are both bast***s!

I think I finally made the password gods happy again. It really is frustrating to keep being locked out of the site, so I hope that I am now "all fixed".



Thanks to the admin guys for the help; I like to be the "helper", not the lame one though...hehe.