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I have decided I am a sex addict, even asked my therapist? I don't have continual access to it so now its all I think about. I am weak to my need of flesh on flesh. Damn I don't get why I continue to mindfuck myself about it. I got to let it go. It is so hard after being in a long term relationship and having sex all the time to nothing. Fuck I hate not having someone to get busy with.BOB is so cold!

My sexual needs are taking over my brain. I am so trying to not think about it. I had a mate who was extremely sexual for 18 1/2 years. Then had a lesbian relationship for a year, she left me. Next a con man who used then abused me physically. Next. Today I am looking at going to the sex club in Portland to get laid. No drama involved, just a simple renewal of energy. I need to have it. I feel so weak. I can't stand weakness. I am really trying to hold out until I meet a new friend with benefits. I am picky though and not a bar fly, I could go drag someone home tonight, I'm sure, but don't want a drunk. If I go to the sex club their is no alcohol just business, getting it on! MF I hate this Why do I torment myself.

I am learning to live with myself. I am trying to hold out for as long as I can. I am becoming sad at the realization I don't want to just have sex for the sake of having it. However am extremely wanting. I must be strong, self control,debra. You can do it. Next month that will be 3 months.UGH!!! But it will be with someone whom I care for and not just for the sake of being lonely. I deserve to have someone worthy of my love. Next time I am not going to be so quick to fall. I am now fighting for myself knowledge. What do I want form my life. How do i want to present myself. I am already a non-conformist as I am bi-sexual many people will judge me for just being able to admit this out loud. Plus I live in a rural area. People seem more understanding if you were to just say your gay. Well I like both sexes and don't mind admitting it. So my co-workers think I'm half crazy anyway who cares. I am being true to myself.

COMMENTS

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HeavenXSentXHellXBent
15:59 Jan 12 2009

im bi as well dear. its sometihng to be proud of that you have the strength to come out

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I am finding I am ever growing spiritually. I have had so many changes in my life in the last 5 years.

#! Death of my greatest love of my life. DDM RIP

#2 Lesbian relationship for 1 year, she left me for a man who had more to give her than me, no not like that, LOL,$.

#3 New Love, I was Loved as best as he knew how, I forgive him his failings, I can on,y hope he forgives mine!

#4 I have come into myself. I am being mindful of me, my needs, my desires, my ability to forgive myself failings.

#5 Enlightenment! I am conscious, I am present!

I've recently been through much disrespect. I am trying to move gracefully away from the one who chose to disrespect me. I am being tormented by his bullying. I will be the more honorable one and try to take the high road. I choose to love myself and not dwell on someone who doesn't deserve any of my energy thought. Therfore Iam me and what I need to be. Honest, truth, dignity. I know I have these within me. I can look in the mirror and love the person within. I choose to live my life by my own code. I dispise liars and theifs, people who hurt the innocents. I am trusting my instincts now and I seem to be finding some peace within. It is my time now for me to grow as I move into this new chapter of my life! I am blessed to have as many good friends in my life as I do. I am Loved and cherrished by those who I call family. I believe family is whats truly important.

I am so thankful, I can turn the page on 2008. I can't bleieve how I was taken by that gypsy. He smelled so good, looked fine, sharp dreeser. EX CON, beat me and stole me blind. How could I have been so blind to the signs . In retrospect I should have seen I was played he was a gigalo I supported his lazy MF ass for 2 years. I know I was blind by love. SEX I think is what did it mostly. I'm too Fing horny and need to curb my libido. Damn it anyway. I ain't gonna get any until feb. That will be 3 whole months w/o. That's forever in my life. I am hopeful to be able to rise above and let go of my distrust of mankind at the moment. I am an extremely giving person and would give you the shirt off my back. I dispise liars and thieves. Thats what he turned out to be in the end. He also was abusive. I bought his ciagarettes every week. Don't even smoke. I own my own home and he saw me as his cash cow! Oh well deb leasons learned Bid him fairwell and hope he doesn't take some other woman. Damn he smelled and looked good, however it wes all a false front. The real person who's character is showing me at this point in time. That he doesn't have much dignity or pride in himself. his nick name on our tv was fucker. go figure. So here's to letting go. I am letting go of pain, hurt, animosity, anger I at this point in time am so ready for my life taking on its own rythem and moving with the flow. Please Lord give me some solice within my heart and mind for forgiveness. It's ok to forgive him, just don't forget!