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Ahhh thought it is about time I wrote in here. Been pretty fucking mad here last week. The short story is my family is at war and for once I am not at the center of the war lol I should not laugh but it is kind of cool. My mother hates my brothers girlfriend who is living with us. my brother hates my mother and my father hates my brother and his girl friend...Now me here I hate the girl friend but I grind my teeth and pull off a smile to keep the peace. yes I am the official peace maker. My bro is getting married to his womand and my mum and dad have said they are now not going to the wedding and they will never accept the women in this family ... blah blah blah yeah there is a LOT of tention and Ive only just skimmed the surface of that situation.



I have been sick. I had food poisoning a few days ago and was chucking my guts up every 20 minutes for 48 hours...So not fun



There was something else I thought I had to say but it seems Ive forgotten what what the hell lol



Oh I bought a new cd today....well not really but sort of...Ive got all the stone temple pilots cds and was getting sick of chaning cd to cd playing different song so I bought their greatest hits album which is so sweeeeeeeet i can just stick this one cd on and listen to all the best songs hehehe

Have you ever been so tired that you cannot even sleep? I think I am hitting that point of lack of sleep over the last two weeks which is finally catching up on me...



I am still very very upset at what I saw on a profile on this site last week. On some teenager's additional photo gallery was a photo of a woman being tortured. Her leg was being cut off. It looked like Rwanda...The people or some African nation. It makes me sick to think people. Young people of my generation idolize and celebrate such terror. I took up the subject at university this semester on History's Killing Fields and Rwanda was included in this subject. I thought I felt sick learning about Cambodia and the Khmer. Cambodia however was no match for Rwanda and the 1994 Massacres...I really worry for my generation. They seem so naive and ever so impressionable. And if this is what they find interesting - The butchering of a human...It scares me a lot.



Personally I have never been of the type of person that "follows" trends and so forth. I think for myself. I like what appeals to me and I do what I want. A lot of people cannot do this. For one reason or another they follow and idolize that are not real. What I mean by that...Following a trend just because you want to be cool is not real. How is that real for you suppressing what you really want to be, do, look, feel...everything. The emo generation really annoy me. I just typed into my search engine "what is emo" and I came up with a site giving me the description lol ... have a look at it http://oneweb.utc.edu/~wnx823/Style.htm This site is giving a description on how to become emo. Who the hell would want to be emo. Emotionally challenged social isolate singing about depression or thinking about depression and...FOLLOWING A TREND. I hate it...I really hate it. These children who call them self emo with their body art. I wonder if they even thought about the meaning behind their art. To me my body art is incredibly important. No nobody I know has ink like mine because I have unique body art. These emo children get tits and ass in graded on their skin with out thinking of the repercussions of having such body art on their skin for the rest of their lives. What happens when they want to join the real world and find a career besides music. Who is going to hire someone with sexual or what ever nasty body art all over their skin? I can tell you only a small field of career's will accept that sort of person...Damn emo...I do not have such a problem with the music I have a problem with the impressionable young people who follow it. I am 20 years old...Same age as many of them I am sure and look at me. I don't care what the fuck I look like (70% of the time) and most of all I do not follow anything...I found another site worse that the pervious www.geocities.com/howtodressemo/



Now for a more interesting subject that I can lay awake for hours thinking about at night. What is forever? What is the concept of forever? What is concidered forever? I have come to the conclusion that death is the inabitable forever. In a scientific world death is death. The end of one being forever. Some people may say time is the alterment forever but I disagree. Why? because time was created by humans hence forth if all human life was to end...Time keeping and the knowledge of time would end. Say if a comet or something blew up earth. Time in this universe as we know it stops. There "could" be life else where but as that is unknow you cannot say time will exist there and go on. Time is a very human aspect of life. We shaped it and developed it...Death is not so human everything experiances it. A plant. A dog. A whale. A human...Everything experiances death. Even though your body made be recycled by another say animal or plant to grow that does not mean life goes on. Your memories stop when you die...Does that make sence? Death is forever. Guess that is why so many people are afraid of it...Maybe.

Sweet morning. First time in a while I can appreciate morning with out being rushed off my feet or too tired to care less. I lay in bed this morning and watched the sun peek through my window and light up my room. Was beautiful. My bed is in the perfect position for lapping up sun light in the morning or gazing at the stars at night as it is up against the window. I saw a shooting star last night. Forgot to wish on it though. Last time I saw a shooting star was when I was flying from Japan to Sydney. It was early morning and I could not sleep and I remember thinking how cool would it be to see a shooting star from this hight. I looked out the window I saw a shooting star and it beautiful **rambling** lol



So I have to go out in a little while. I have an apointment with my surgen in the hospital. Just a check up from the surgery I had a few weeks ago on my tumor. I get to tell him the wonderfull story on how I shrunk the build up of saliva in the area of the surgery (parotid gland on the neck/face) by wearing my motor bike helmet lol Im convinced by wearing it the saliva was forced to unblock the duct and empty out. Aside from that I am going to go out and buy a CD on my way home - the new HIM album and then I have to send a parcel off to the states. My friend is turning 29 and I got him something small. Told him I sent it yesterday. Naughty me I must remember to do it today or Im really gonna feel guilty lol Might go to my piercer today and get her to fix up my septum ring as it missing the ball so it is not closed and keeps falling out when I sleep *grumble*



I feel like I am having a conversation with myself writting these journals lol But oh well. I was in the shower this morning and for some reason I remembered a very embarressing event that happend to me a couple of years ago. For the first time I was able to laugh at myself for being such a ... stupid ass lol That was the best way too put it lol I can laugh about it but not comfatable enough to write about what happend on here. I haven't even told my best friend all the details of that event lol

*looks at the clock* 3.46am



I really wish I could sleep. I am tired I just I dunno...I have to much time to think and it seems that is all I do of late...think about my life...think about where I am...what I want...what I need...what I do not have. People say money cannot make you make in the long run. Just curious who said that? Obviously was not a poor person. If I had money I could be very happy. Does that mean I am a bad person to beleive money is the key to my happyness? No I am just being realistic. I would like to have my bills paid on time. I would love for my mother to retire and for her never have to work again. I would love to give her the life she has earned I would like to live in comfort for once. I do sound like material possesions are the only things that mean something to me but it is not like that and I do not think people can understand that till they are put into a lesser life style possision which they are usually accustomed to. What was that show...I cannot remember the name but the show was a reality show where two mother's from different life styles were swapped into each others familes. the rich mother would go into a poor house hold and the poor mother would go into the rich mother's house hold for a week. I think that is prime example that money makes you happy...Fuck it I am rambling and I don't even know the point I am trying to make any more lmao...money matters?



Well I will give you an up date on my life. Currently I am 20 years old...Living with my parents...Studying at university. On holidays thank GOD. Im over weight I have personal image issues as most women do...and men I guess. I am 5'6 pretty short really. This week has been slow...slow like a slug. I had my archaeology exam on Monday and I passed that and now university has finished I have spent the rest of the week wake at night and sleeping the days away. I am so angry at my partner if you would even call him that. It is over between us yet I still hold out hope. I am so pathetic but I hate this feeling of rejection. I hate him but I love him. I need to move on. Anyone out there want me? I'll commit right here and now if you will sooth my heart and treat me nice...Rambling again...You know I am just writting what ever comes into my head lol Like a true gemini change the subject so fast you cannot keep up with me..



GOD



I need sleep...



On a last note after reading this entry...I agree with some one who earlyer tonight told me I have a strange way of writting. Yes sir you are correct I agree with you 100% especially in regards to this entry.

I dremp I circus lion broke out of its cage and some how was spossed by satan. There were reports on the news that it was in my area so I locked the door and sat up stairs for a few hours. Then I decided to go out side. Why I do not know. I opened the baxck door and look to the pavement and sore a cat sitting up right. It had its left hind leg chewed off and its tail half bitten off and next to it was my other cat (toutsie) noring on this other cats bone which was pointing out of its wound. Both cats were fine and did not seem distressed even though won had been critically mauled by a lion. lol I'll pay you $100 to give me the meaning of that dream!

As the title says I am very tired because it is 5am here and I haven't slept. Ive been talking to a dear friend tonight and now well im just sitting here thinking. I think to much. It is strange yet funny but scary that I am getting comments on this site from people who are younger than me but not that younger than me ... I see their birth date...92...And I think I was alive then. That was the year my grand mother passed away and the year my family went to america and yet this person was born that year and now in 2005 they talk to me and I am the adult and they are the teenager ... I am starting to feel old lol



What else is on my mind at this very moment. Well I beleive there is something living in my house. not alive not dead not human ... Honest I think I have a spirit in my house. Ive seen and heard some strange things of late and now my cat is also responding to these strange things which have been happening so now I know I am not paranoid. Ive been talking to people who have had contacts with such spirits in the past which have re asured me and helped me. Now all I need to cure is my fear of the dark for the strange things Ive had happen have been in the dark. This is why Ive stayed up to night with all the lights on. Yes I am crazy but if you had of seen and heard what I have you would be scared too.



And the only other thing on my mind is my love life and that dream I had the other day. I am stuck in a ditch with my love life shall I end it with john or let him continue to do what he is which is ... nothing (long story) and what then if I leave him what am I facing or who am I facing. I have a few men who are fighting for my attention but I don't know weather I want them. I want john but he is hurting me and I feel I have to be cruel to be kind to my self at least. break up with him so I can move on *closes eyes* I don't want to think about it. Anyway the birds are starting to steer and the sun is coming up. Im a true vampire and that is my signal to find my coffin. good night.

I had an afternoon sleep today and I had a dream which Ive been trying to understand all night. I drempt I was on a date similar to one I was on earlyer this year. In the dream we had our date and then we were driving around the beaches. I heard his voice but see his face. Then we drove go my house and we in my kitchen and my brother and his partner were there just talking casual to my date and I remember in mid conversation my date came up behind me and put his arms around me and said to my brother as he caressed my body "she just has to choose" of course he was refeering to me but I do not know what he ment. At this point I realise this man is older perhaps 28 or 29 years old. And his hands were pale and soft. long fingers and cold. That is all I remeber of my dream. I don't know this mystery man But I think it is my mind trying to help me understand something in my own mind.

Tonight is slow. I do not know why. Normally it goes fast. My mind has been twisted over many things today. My partner for one is constantly on my mind as he is slipping away from me and I may have to end it which I really do not want to do how ever our current situation is not fair on me. How can he swear his heart is mine yet do what he has done. And secondly I had a debate with a friend which turned into him turning on me like I was a dog. Why do I put up with such people whom swear they will respect me yet contradict them selves with their actions which end up hurting me. Ive decided to passively ignore this boy for a little while and hope he understands that he cannot treat people like he does and not exspect a reaction like mine and being drunk or not you have no exscuse. boys boys boys they make my head spin. They hurt and cannot understand what they did wrong but Im being a bit discriminatory their because everyone is like that or so it seems today. People dish out their emotions on me and by the time they are finished I feel exhuasted. I just want to run away some times and be alone not dead I love life to much to wish that but just to be alone and not have to worry about other people. That is enough for now.