The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

It seems that I am feeling the exact same way as this morning, maybe even a bit worse. I am sick of all the bullshit. For one day, I would like for things to go a bit smoother. Not that I would expect anything less for my miserable existence.



I dont know, maybe i am being way to hard on myself. I am starting to get the headaches again. there was a very good friend i had here back before all the shit started the first time I was here, that could talk tome and calm me down from shit like this. I truly miss her.



Now, back to it. My green eyed beauty called me today. She is out of town, apparently taking care of business, - she was moving back home, her mother was sick. And now, all she did was fight with her, so now she is staying here.



She believes we will end up together. She is my best friend on this earth, and I would do anything for her. But... That is something that you would really need to be sure of. I do not want to mess up what we have at all.



There was a time when we almost did screw it up. But things really worked out for the better. I have a different way of looking at sex . There is sex when you just have sex. Then when you just need to get off. With some people, you would make love. I am not sure what its called when you have sex with your best friend. Female best friend. I guess its that is where the friends with benefits come from... We have had sex a few times. Great sex actually. And it never got weird.



I am glad she is staying....

4/26/12 - 8:06



I awoke this morning. Not seeing red. Funny how something as new as 24 hours, when it does not happen, how much you miss it. The whole thought of if is very saddening. 



So.... I'm back in this funk. I hate everything, everyone, just thinking how much better I would be off, (at least the people around me) would be without me being here. 



I am starting to think how much I wish it could go back to the way it used to be. I was alone ,  doing what I wanted, when I wanted. 



Now , no longer able to do that, I have 2 kids.  I'm in a relationship, (if you could even call it that) *



*relationship - it really feels as if I have a somewhat close roommate, whom I happen to have made 2 kids with - don't get me wrong - I love her dearly. She is the mother of my children. Just almost seems like not much more.



Anyway.  Seems better if I was not here anymore...

I see red. A buZzin in my head. More like white noise. The warm feeling overtakes my entire body.  I don't really know this feeling. Some hatred, some insanity, some evil. A little sexual. A small tidbit of info I will share. I'm a very sexual person. I thrive on sexual energy. I love sex. Everything about it. The tastes, the smells, the sounds. All of it. When I have sex, I am totally engulfed. There is only me and her. No one else on the entire earth. 



So the sexual energy that I have, I use to my advantage. It's like a drug. It gives me a calming high. To the point where I want more. I close my eyes tight squeezing them shut. Hearing that familiar noise.  This feeling, I feel as if it is more sexual than evil. I'm not an evil person in the sense that is portrayed in everyday life.  But in the sense that I love the dark side, the romance of time that is becoming everyday forgotten. The evil of the being that is completely and devoted to the pleasures of the flesh. Nothing else matters, but that feeling, the release. The smell of a woman. The taste of a woman. 



So my thoughts are that this "new" feeling is a deep, dark, sexual energy. The red that I see, is a bloodlust. Wanting that release so bad, it just makes my blood boil. ....



So I have spoken to a friend - I use the term loosely . She thinks that it is an addiction to sex.  She tells me that I need to make a doctors appointment. And go talk to a "professional" . Right. Professional what you ask!? A professional that could help me, a sexual therapist.? Don't think so - a sexual specialist. Someone that would show me the ways to make that release even more spectacular. Like " hell ya" that's what I'm talking about!!!



Not some old person, male or female, it don't really matter. A doctor, who wants to talk, will tell me instances that it is something that my parents did to me. Something that has happened to me as a child.



Well, mr/ mrs doctor of sexual problems, whatever the hell you are titled, I had a great childhood. I had a good family. My moths and father divorced in the early 80s . Mom was remarried, marries a real tool. He would beat his kids, my stepbrothers, hit my sister once or twice, hit my mother ONCE. Then hit me, after I busted his knee with a baseball bat, and basically bullied our friends. Abuse? Maybe. But Nothing that would make me a sexual deviant. 



Whatever. I Am not a deviant. I like sex.... Alot. It is a beautiful experience. With me, it's a sensory overload. I love it All.  But not an addiction. An obsession it more like it. 



When I was younger, I guess maybe a little self examination, if you will. My parent did not stop us from watching the late night Cinemax movies, hbo movies, luckily we had cable growing up. So we did see the stupid beach movies, where the gorgeous blonde girls, would lose their tops at a moments notice. Then there was Porkys. Revenge of the nerds, I got my first glances of pubic hair.  On tv!! Holy shitbAlls!! They are showing this stuff on my television!!! Then I get this feeling. My ...um... "privates" we're starting to tingle. And getting stiff!!! What the hell??? Now, I have an older sister... My mother was the only parent in the picture pretty steady. And then 2 younger brothers. So who the hell do I talk to about sex? Why was it stiffening  when I saw the female body? Nude!! I liked what I saw ..... Alot. 



Needless to say, it escalated from there. I began to "take care of business" for myself from then on. That was when I was 11-12.  There began the "quest"



So maybe it was my mothers fault. She let me watch the movies with "brief nudity" and "adult situations" and that's what made me the professional perv that I am today! 

Well, where to start? Today started just like any other. Other than I awoke with an unusual arousal? Maybe that is not the correct term. A different feeling. My heart was racing. Something stranger that usual. It was quiet. The kids were not fighting. They both got up by themselves, made lunches, got dressed, and was waiting for me. I take my son to school, my daughter rides the bus. So they were ready to go.



I was up late the night before... Been watching Survivorman on Netflix alot here lately. For a "Survivorman" Les sure is whiny. Anyway - a stirring if you will,in my chest, i was warm. Anxiousness filled me , I have felt like this before, but it was mostly being horny.



I almost felt as if i was in some sort of bloodlust that feeling that you get when you are really excited - in whatever way you would like to take this, and you just aren't sure what you want.



I stood up, and a sight dizziness overtook me. I felt strange, a little surreal. At first, i was not sure where i was. I mean I did know, but really, where? Everything was a little fuzzy. Blurry is prob the better word. I stood there for a few minutes, waiting to see what came next.



Nothing really happened, soon the feelings went away, and my phone began to alert me that it was time to wake up the kids and get ready for the day ahead. They were in bed, we were right on schedule, except for the fact that I have already been thru this once this morning.



The next couple hours were pretty uneventful. Here it is , a little after 11:00am - and the feeling is overtaking me again. I am all flushed. Warm all over. A little jittery. Like too much caffine, but calm at the same time.



Heart is pounding, i close my eyes and see red...