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I really wish I could get out of this funk.

Damn pain, damn stomach issues.

grr.



I have an interview tomorrow, the b/f found enough money to buy me a shirt at goodwill for my interview, and my old work wants me to come back for a few days, so I should be happy, right?



WTF?

COMMENTS

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Sinora
20:31 Apr 29 2008

*Hugs*

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Kontradiction
22:01 Apr 29 2008

good luck!

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Vampirewitch39
17:07 Apr 30 2008

Hope you get the job. :) It will work out.

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Since my job is ending, and I'm only allowed to work 16 more hours this week, I called out today to do some extensive job hunting; and to call the recruiters & get the ball rolling. The sooner they start working, the better right?



So... I've been submitted for a few positions, and one already looks promising for an interview... but I can't help but wonder how much longer I'm going to have to repeat this cycle of yet again failing at yet another 9 to 5.



Yes, I'm taking steps to look for night tech support jobs, and more 24x7 offshore stuff, but in the current financial state I'm in, I have to buck up and make compromises. I can't wait around for my business to be successful, for a big-time agent to fall in love with my voice, for a hot publishing house to discover my work, or for the perfect flexible remote nightshift job to come along.



At the same time I'm bucking up and promising myself that I can do this, that it's just one more contract and I will have everything sorted by the end of "just one more round," I'm also wondering if my state of mind and health doesn't warrant disability and a period of rest. In a couple of weeks I would be allowed to apply for unemployment, wouldn't that be too much of a coincidence for it not to be part of a master plan? Starting a business, I can apply for program x, which would allow more time to put it all together - A second chance at being successful at what I KNOW I'm meant to do with my life.



No. all passion aside, all past performance ignored, common sense would dictate that I need to suck it up, find a full time job with health insurance, and fake being well every morning and every night long enough to get me what I needs done.



But at the same time I am trying to convince myself that I can do this, (Why is it that everyone else seems to be able to do this, and I am just so damn fracking incapable?!?) At the same time I am trying to drag myself, kicking and screaming down what everyone else would say is the "right path," I am having repeated visions of tearing out all of the veins in my wrist with my teeth, and smiling while gnashing my teeth as the blood oozes out of my mouth, down my chin, and pools down my unfortunate extremety all over the floor.



I guess that's the writer in me.

COMMENTS

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Kontradiction
01:09 Apr 23 2008

know how you feel. we're starting a business too because we both feel that's our eventual "calling" but until it picks up, we both have to run it and work.



and that means the job hunt now for me too.



i've failed at plenty of 9 to 5's myself....for various reasons, and had things fail on me because i've been outright run out of jobs when i accidentally let it slip that i was goth/wiccan.



people fear most what they understand the least.



now, i will never tell anyone about my life or my habits or musical preferences at work ever again.



ever.



if i'd been smart and grabbed a lawyer oh, about 3 times, i'd be independently wealthy for enough time, to wait the year, that this business will take until it picks up.



that aside...me needing health insurance and a better car....i have no choice but to mimic you and get to working by June 1st...



so yes, a sympathy toast to us both.



*nods*

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Sinora
09:25 Apr 23 2008

Yep, the writer in you hams it up hon...lol....I know that's true, as I do the same thing myself...failure ?...well only a couple of hundred...but I'm still here and so are you..*hugs*

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Not sure what is wrong with me. Perhaps its just that I had to close the store. I should just get over it already.



I guess I had something that was mine. Something to show for myself. Something that I could call a home base, a physical front that I could call my own.



But it wasn't really my own, was it? I wanted it kept neat and clean, but there was glue, chainmaille, fabrics, newspaper, fiberglass rods, plastics, materials and crap all over the place.



Now that the store is closed, there is all that and more crap all over my house. My den / laundry room / office is the herbs books sewing chamber. I can't even pole vault to the second 1/2 of my bedroom where my computer used to be. Instead, I moved my computer into the den. I feel like I get to use my bedroom for 1/2 its matress and for storing clothes in my two drawers and my 1/4 of the closet.



My living room is still piled up with the armor and weapons stuff, as is the kitchen and dining room. Forget about the dining room table, it's buried with fiberglass projects, and pushed against the wall. There are 5 gamers in my house playing on a long flea market table in what little space of the dining room is left.



All in all, I feel like I've been pushed out of my own house, I get 1/2 a bed, and a chair in my sewing room and that's it. I go from my chair, to my bed back to my chair because I have no where else to live. There's no room for me! I feel like I don't belong here, I feel like I don't fit in, and I want people to go away and I want my house and my life back.



I'm just in a general bitchy, FTW, everyone go away, mine, mine, MINE! mood.

COMMENTS

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Sinora
22:03 Apr 19 2008

Brave hearts win battles.

That's the quote I chose for my profile.

For me it's just words, but for you it's a reality. Be proud. x

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