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its been a funky kind of day today... seems like there is alot of death around lately...blah.. there is so much to say.. and i don't even know where to start.. so i shall nothing because im sleepy and feel sick ...ick

something just hit me a couple moments ago..today is one year anniversery of the death of a friend...its hard to believe its been a year... its so wierd.... oi.. listening to his music... its sobering... its so sad... and really makes a person think :(

hmm.. *giggles evily* oi... im having a lovely night... it started out kinda slow.... but it brightened up with a lovely surprise...and now... im sitting here rather bouncing around.. dancing on a chair... hmm which with the right music can be quite fun.. *giggles*.. actually my lower back was hurting.. but this little back thing kinda made it better.. hehe.. and it looks sexy at the same time.. its a win win thing... i should so be in bed... i have to be up in like 3 hours for school.. *smiles*... oi.. oh well... sleep is for the dead..*giggles*

welllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll heh.. it's been quite a lovely day out... all cold, dreary, and rainy..hehe.. the perfect day to run naked through the woods.. then come home to jump in a steamy bath.. which i think i am about to go do... with my luck i will fall asleep and wakeup in ice cold bath water..hehe.. im soooooooo sleepy.. but.. tis ok i suppose that will motivate me hop out... oi!..i just bent myself backwards over the chair stretching and happened to look over to the door.. and saw my grandma... standing there.. sipping a juicey drink..creepy little coot.hehe.. i feel so violated now.. bloody hell!!!..heh.. ok.. im a wee bit too perky..thats ok though.. keeps me bouncing along..heh.. bouncing.. oi.. ok.. dirty mind.. and im off to the bath :)

hmm.. its 3am... and im sitting here watching the rain... its so cold outside... and raining which i really love.... its good thinking weather anyway.... and i suppose i should be doing alot of thinking... actually.. im always thinking... everyone is.. even when you think your not thinking by thinking your not.. your still thinking..wish is mildly amusing... hmm.. i spent tonight driving all over the place trying to find some medicine for mom.. to try to get rid of some of the pain in her legs...most of that doesn't really work though..heh... we were out to dinner with my uncle.. and once we were done we were trying to get her back tot he car... it was horrible.. she was in so much pain she started crying.... every time that happens... it kinda freaks me out.. because there is nothing at all i can do.... i can say all the pretty words there are.. but it does nothing in the end to make her feel any better

another thing that was on my mind alot today, were my dreams from last night.... i had one about someone i talk to quite a bit.... it was horrible though..... i don't understand what it was i saw about them... they were standing there and i could see them through this glass wall only it was like they were in some terrible agony... and all i could do was watch... no matter how hard i beat on the glass it was like they couldn't see me... i even remember screaming and crying ... but then i woke up..... with this huge weight of sadness sitting in my chest.... and its so wierd.... because i haven't any idea why i dreamed that...

maybe just because i feel like i can't help mom.. it feels like i can't be there for anyone... even now that im thinking about it... its like i can feel that weight returning...

its really funky...

these have been the worst couple of days ...in a long while....last night was so hard on mom.... and today hasn't been a bowl of cherries either... though i did get to relieve a tiny bit of that pent up frustration :) for some reason.... the guys around here assume that just because i like to dress like i do.. that it's ok for them to talk to me however they want and grope me whenever the mood strikes them... and i am getting rather sick of always being the quiet one and never saying anything.. so... viola...today i changed that... this particularly nasty crude little dickhead decided he would hug me today.. well... when he did it.. he dropped his hands to my ass and started pulling me close and groping me... when i told him to stop he just smiled so slapped him and left... later on .. i saw him again.. standing outside of one of my classes smiling and waving... ick..... the thought of him touching me makes my skin crawl

im sitting here.... pondering life.. and all of sudden im really really amused... for no reason... no thing seems to be going right... yet ... i feel like giggling like an idiot... ooooo kinda like one of those little kids sitting on a counter licking a popsicle and swinging their feet... hmm..hehe.. i might try that in a bit actually... hmm.. minus the popsicle... and add a book on the history of italy though..heh.. oi.. hate that school work..anyway... yup.. bored bored bored... yet amused.. so its ok

why is it... people who feel they know a whole situation feel that it's their place to put in their opinion.... i do not want to hear it.. i am so tired of hearing .. jen why don't you do this.. oh hey why don't you do that.. don't forget to do that ... why aren't you helping so and so on and so forth... it just makes me wanna shriek at them ...and it drives me up the wall.. why is it so hard for them to just leave me alone... blah!...



stupid dickheads....

anyway.... moving on from that barb.... heh.. the serial killer guy im writing to sent me a birthday card... which was actually kinda funny.. he wrote all poetically about how something in the stars brought us together...heh... im amused now thinking about it... which is better.. because i was really starting to be annoyed...

hmm..oh yeah.. he even drew a picture of a much larger dog (him) hugging a small kitty (me i suppose)... what a nerd..heh.. its kinda funny though.. this is how he wins over females... acts all suave and whatnot... and then before ya know it your handcuffed to his bed and he is pulling out the razors...... hmm.... too bad he assumes im just like all the others that seek out his attentions... thats one thing about people like that... seek to be in control... and dominate others from the get go by assuming automatic authority with pushiness.. hmm.. though i think i shall let him think he is getting somewhere.. heh.. its far to amusing to dampen his spirit now :)

im back again... a little more calm i suppose... actually it just kinda hit me... that this is the way things are... and will always be.... it doesn't really matter either way what happens... its all the same

something happened today... something that i will never forgive my family for....after these past few months i have given everything i have and done everything i can do for my mother.... and today she showed her true self ... and what she really thinks of me.... she crossed the line... i won't ever forgive her for it... ever...

pumpkin and i just poooed in to say hello :) she is sharpening her claws on my neck ... then running across the key board hehe...typing secret messages to her men out there no doubt

and hello!... her claws have just found my chest.... and oh... my.. i think i have just made a startling discovery... .. she..... pumpkin maybe a he??? oh dear.. well that does explain the boob thing..*giggles*... oi.. i have been molested by a cat... and now.. im going back to school work *pouts*

blah.. it's been another one of those days.. the past few days have kinda sucked..sorta anyway.. just when i think its going to be.... different.. it usually ends up changing.. same for people i might add but anyway thats a whole different story... anyway.. i think im gonna post some lyrics by zeromancer up.. i have them stuck in my head now..hehe

you know.. it occurs to me..living in denial is kinda cowardly... why deny things that you fear might make you look like an ass.. or let someone see a different side of you that you rarely show... it's dumb.. eventually... the person will stop caring.. and its not worth all the trouble anyway...



with that being said... i had a horrid day... and im glad this birthday is over...



good night

hehe, well last night was an officially horrible start off to a birthday weekend... well..most of it anyway, .. it started off when i was waiting for Kataryne..i had the music blaring.. bopping around in my car in my own little world till i looked over and saw this dude next to me with his window rolled down, saying something.. so i cut the music down, and was like huh??? he asked for directions... then asked me if i was married :l he wanted to know what there was to do for fun or whom maybe..heh... pervert... anyway, kataryne got there about that time and hopped in the car... it occurs to me i should have said that yes i was married and she was wife to get that annoying little weasel to leave... anyway..... we went to the piercing shop.. where this one man was like.. hey!... don't i know you?!! where did you go to highschool?!! i answered him and then he decides to embark on a journey through his life story thoroughly boring everyone in the store... i mean what the hell?.. do i look like i really want to know that? ...oi...oh yeah... hehe.. kataryne bought friendship rings here..heh so cute.. anyway, after that... we went to columbia.... only ended up getting stuck in this enormous traffic jam...for a couple hours.. with my car running hot and me about going into a panic attack ..heh... 3 lanes of friday night traffic ...all pretty much at a standstill.. then.. before ya know it... there is a new lane of traffic in the emergency lane.. going the wrong direction on the interestate to back up the closest off ramp.... it was a mess... anyway... after that... we eventually found a gas station to stop at so the car could cool down... heh.. we had to play mechanics...annnnnnyway.. while we were waiting, we sat on the curb with a bag of chips and some V8 ... this one guy who works at the hardees connected to the gas station kept coming out to take out the trash.. and before we knew it... he was out there on his break... brought food out because we didn't feel like going in.. and even refilled my water bottle because i ran out..hehe...it was cool though.. then when some raunchy mexicans came out yelling hey!! mamacitas!!!... that guy from the hardees came over and kinda gave them that look to not mess with us.. which was nice...anyway... by the time all of this was over with it was close to midnight ish... so basically we went all the way to columbia to have car trouble..heh.. but it was actually pretty cool... more fun than staying home i suppose... hehe..oooh.. once we got back to town.. we went to the graveyard... played on a tractor... and then went running back to the car when another car was coming by..heh... only when we were running..kataryne's skirt was ridding up..and mine was falling down... heh... what a pair..oi

weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee...the closer song is on.. next comes the get naked one.. and you know.. all i feel like doing is running around gyrating in some platforms... hehe.. like that never happens.. oi.. i need a life.. hehe....im sooooooooooo bored.. yet.. perky.. that never happens.. i should be scared.. weeeeee.. im gonna go run through the showers... wiggle my bon bon... heh

okie.. so i here i am again.. 3rd time today.. heh.. yeah i have no life.. i know.. but i just found out that i have no class friday or monday!!!!!!! and i was all paranoid about getting some work done on a paper so i would have it ready for friday.. and now i have more time.. hehe... yay.. not to mention its my birthday weekend too weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

finally get to end those angsty teen years and turn into an angsty 20 year old.. .oi.. i feel old..heh.. hehe.. not really.. im just excited now.. and bopping all over creation... now if only i didn't have school tomorrow..heh... eh well.. can't have it all.. besides.. i can deal with it... its just oneday... weeeeeeeeeeeee this is great..

oooooh yeah... and let me say one thing..

the vodka tainted banana hath returned.. and it is... a beautiful thing... in more ways than one.. but thats for me to know... weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

oh yeah... im back... bad bad bad.. but this time.. im really going to do some work...just wanted to say ..... for no reason at all...











pour some sugar on me







heh

def leppard moment

okie, so right now im being bad again.. in more ways than one.. but im not even going into all that good stuff..hehe..so i shall just stick to the safe stuff to talk about here being a public journal and all... let's see..

im supposed to be working on some papers and studying... but i haven't gotten motivated to it yet... for some odd reason im having way too much fun just sitting here singing to myself... while pumpkin just stares at me... like im a nutt.. which i am.. but ... oi.. anyway..hehe

halloween this year was great fun..kataryne and i went out and scared the undies off some people... heh... she did the most perfect bloodied gash/ torture victim look... we were quite lovely in all our bloody goodness...

though i think i know how carrie felt in the movie sitting in a bathtub trying to get all that blood off..hehe.. it was great though

actually.. on a kinda funny note... when i wrote back to Jessie (serial killer im talking with) i mentioned how we were dressed... like the torture victims... heh..he tortured his as well.. so it shall be interesting to see what he has to say...oh ya.... i also sent some pics of me to him... probably one the more stupid things i have done... but heh.. what can i say.. im bad...

besides.. if i want to keep up this correspondence with him, i have to keep him compliant... all about never giving away too much.. but just enough to keep him momentarily satisfied...heh...

oi... anyway, im off to cook lunch.. then maybe actually get some work done.... hehe