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well, as my leave draws to a close I am not looking forward to going back overseas. i know, i said in an earlier post that i wanted to go back. i am just now getting comfortable to be able to wander the streets without jumping out of my skin. although the bus ride back to the airport was uncomfortable, people touching me all the time. I spoke out loud that if people didn't quit touching me i was going to stab someone. i shocked myself by saying that out loud. i still feel like i can get used to this, and now i got to go back and readjust to that. then i will come home ( i hope) and have to readjust all over again.

till next time

well i finally got out of the motel and went and got a lion's head tattoo on my right forearm. it stings this morning. and as soon as i figure out how to make it smaller i will add it to this profile so others can see it.

well,

i am finally in the states and trying to unwind.

i was freaking out when i hit the airport after something like twenty hours flying with 2 hours for a break in germany and atlanta. all those people. had to find like a corner and calm myself down, too many people and way too much noise. man i smelled bad being in a uniform for three days without being able to change out of it. boy i was glad to finally get somewhere and change and shower. had a couple of people come up to me and say thank you for serving. that is a far cry from a couple of years ago when they hated my guts for wearing the uniform. am still uncomfortable around others. am used to my brothers. i am still worried that i might spaz on someone. i am currently holed up in a motel room by myself. i suffer from bad nightmares where my close friends get killed every night. i hardly leave except to eat and smoke a cig. i hate to say this, but i want to go back. i don't know how i am going to be able to adjust when this is all over with. i can't tell my family this, my parents will freak out and my brother won't understand, so for know i keep quiet. i am waiting a week before i go see them--hope this will give me time to adjust. if not then i will just go back overseas and write them and tell them i am sorry. this has changed me and i am not sure that the changes are all good, but i can never go back to being what i was. i look in the mirror and a stranger stares back at me. there is very little of the me that was there from before this war. i feel that all that will be left will be nothing but the memories.



enough for now. ciao.