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I fuckin' hate feeling helpless. It's the worst feeling in the world. Worse than betreyal and fear. And at this point I don't even feel this way because of stupid medical shit. Shiva knows I have enough problems with stuff like that. No this is my mind. My fucked up stress monitors blowing things way out of porpotion.



I have already adressed this problem in earlier enteries but now I'm actually going to have to face it. My former friend who was disgusted by the fact that I write same sex smut. (What the fuck would she do if she knew I was bi? ::shakes head:: That's not the point of this.) The point is that she rejected this thing that is in fact a major part of who I am.



But no, I can't get angry and never speak to her again like any other person would. Because I have to socialize with her. I will be forced to go to her house Thrusday, whether I like it or not (and if you can't tell, I won't). I will have to be at her house, in the same room with her for hours. I will be expected to talk to her, and joke and laugh with her like I used to... But I can't anymore. I hold a grudge. It's like my fuckin' super power; Extreme grudge holding. For the first five minutes I might be fine and I might be able to carry on a very stiff conversation with her but every once in a while a hostile jab with slip in (i know this will happen, 'cause i know me). And this is not a tough cookie I'm talking about here. I could make her cry so easily it's scary. I don't want to make her cry. I just don't want to talk to her.



The only reason I'm really mad is because I expected better from her. I excepted her to... I don't know, but I didn't excpet what I got. And I don't know how to deal...



That's awful and all, but I have no coping skills. When I need to deal with something my motto becomes "needles are a girl's best friend".

It's lovely sometimes to be able to sit back and sort through all the crap. A good percent of it isn't even mine. It's stuff I've picked up from other people, it just adds up. Those little bits of thoughts and emotions that are so easily grabbed up by the sticky paper my mind seems to be covered with.



I've finally figured my mother out. She sees what she wants to see. Hears what she wants to hear. Everything else is lost in a staticy mess of ignorance and arrogance. I can't stop her from being this way, but atleast now I understand when she accuses me of false crimes, of lies I never told, or things I never stole, or broke... That's more poem-ish quality stuff so I'll save it for a different catergory.

I really want to kick something. Or hit something. Or someone. Basically I want to do violence to some unsuspecting bystander just so I can hear them squeal and a mixture of surprise and pain.



I may have no heart but this still hurts like bloody fuckin' hell!



In case you can't tell I'm wallowing in regret forgered from a missed oppurtunity. I will be doing this for the next five minutes. And since I'm mad at myself I'm obviously gonna wanna make someone else bleed, so I'll feel better. I realize how pitiful that is but it's fuckin' true! I feel like crap and I want somebody to feel that way with me.



And all this for fear of a stupid little thing called *rejection*. There are very few people whoes opinions I value. Three in fact (I'm not related to any of them). And... Damnation! These stupid human emotion! I don't want them!