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It's been a downhill battle and an uphill struggle since as far back in childhood when I can remember. And it's gotten progressively worse over the past few years since I started hitting my late teens, ending with me having a psychotic break and hallucinations this past year, actually within the last 6 months.



In December of 2011 I was diagnosed with Bipolar 1 disorder, after being hospitalized in November for having hallucinations and feeling extremely suicidal. In the hospital my first diagnosis was depression with psychosis, then I went to see a psychiatrist and gotten a true diagnosis. I've known my entire life that something is wrong with me; Obsessive, intrusive thoughts, violent actions, no patience, feeling "different" from others, periods of severe depression that now turn straight to suicidal thoughts whenever they appear, periods of mania..oh, the mania, my love...let's see what that's done: I failed nursing school, had to move about 10 times+ in the last 2 1/2 years because of the problems it's caused me with my family, lost a job, lost my car, lost relationships, maxed out my credit cards, and had my cell phone turned off and bank account end up $600 negative and sent to collections.



I'm finally doing better, my psychiatrist has me taking Risperidone and Celexa. I will say the hallucinations have stopped, and my anger has definitely gotten much better. I don't get set off like a firecracker anymore. At least not as often.



I think the worst part about my disorder is the hallucinations I started having recently. They've been both visual and auditory. Like someone I know is standing there talking to me, only there's no one there. Or inanimate objects coming to life. Or my mind being paranoid and twisting what someone says, I'll hear something completely different. The psychotic break I had was the best. I spent 6 or 7 hours accusing my friends of plotting to do horendous things to me, and thinking they told all my family and friends I died and flush my phone down the toilet, and plan to kidnap me when they moved. None of which happened.



Hopefully it keeps getting better. I'm not sure if these meds are entirely right, all I can do is give them time to work and keep up with my appointments. I've had one therapy session since I left the hospital as a follow up. I spent 3 days in the psych ward. I know I really should have been there longer. Everyone there said I had all the hallmarks of depression. Everyone has always said that about me. There's days I just want to disappear from the world, it's hard for me to get up and go to work in the mornings because I just don't want to face anyone.



Oh well..it's going to take time and effort to get better. I am trying to get better. I want a stable life free from my impulses and irrational thinking patterns. I don't mind being a little crazy and edgy, but I still want to be productive. Hopefully it happens.