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Okay, well before I went on holidays before Xmas I was getting to the point where every little thing was getting to me, and I mean Everything.



Its been three years since I'd been out of town so the three weeks away was heaven. When I came back I realised how strange and paranoid my thoughts had become and I have seemed to mentally block it.



Considering I lost a cousin to suicide, Its been 2 1/2 months and with that the holiday got my mind working over time in a good way. Lots of crying, blaming and anger.



Twas hard to bump up my man and my kids while we where away keeping the peace and the questions that the kids asked.



Why did he do it? Where has Cousin Phil gone to now he's not here? Can he still see us?



Up until now I understand how much of a kick in the guts this all is, but something set In and stayed.



When I found out my first though.,. run straight to my Aunties as much as I was in shock, my mind said, "Be There". all I could do was hold her, there is nothing one can say!



Ive learnt about family, pain, and the instinctive notion of must!

I spent sooo long whining and whinging at myself about "how hard" everything was.

Now I know what hard really is, I challenge life to bring It on.

How hard can anything really be from what we know from experiance.



Some how I wonder whether if this is all of my "tough stuff" kicking in or whether I'm still in shock!



The scary part, we where meant to go down and see Phil, and AR- Dale also. we never made it.

I had a dream that we got to SA, i walked into the servo to say g'day to Dale and hugged him. I was so excited in my dream to see him, yet when i put my arms around my good friend I realised I wasnt just hugging Dale, I was hugging Phil! To me that was the less painful way of him saying goodbye. Same height same build everything.



Dale was the first person I rang to tell about Phil.



Of everything that has happened, this is the one thing that freaked me rightout, but made me so very gratefull.

Thanks Dale!



The Paranormal Border

http://forum.paranormalborder.com/topic/8093903/2/

Twas the holiday that made the difference, and I will not speak of pre-2011.



Nothing seems to painful or stressed, with each mental notion that twigs my brain I feel lighter and stronger.



So much bullshit talk, about "feeling different & growing up",[older].

I know what's real and what's not, I see the signs and symptoms.



Ive had enough of me, now I need the outside, the real shit, the crap that's gunna smack me right in the face, Its just what I need.

Sitting here on the inside, aint half as bad as what actually goes on on the outside.



Could be doin should be doin.,. but what the fuck is that?

I'm torn, being numb as everyone and everything passes me by.,.without trying I just dont give a shit.



My Karma is hidden from me, Dangerous?? hell yeah.

Maybe if I forgive myself the doors will open.

Forgeting is the key!