It’s becoming an everyday of my life to self destruction, yet am not doing it on purpose. The alcohol, sex, work and books are there to get away from my home and all the situation in there. Mind you, my home at this time is like any other broken home. An abused child who became numb, hollow and very very bitter. Makes no sense? Neither to me, but that is how I am feeling every day. Detached, depressed and angry. Nothing satisfy me, nothing fill me up. Nothing calms my rage, but adrenaline and that happens only when I fuck up under the law's nose.
I work five times a week from 18:00 till Midnight also sometimes in summer, I happen to do the needless overtime for a bloody hour, when all I want to do is sinking my thoughts in a bottle of alcohol, be it Jack D, Vodka Ice, Tequila which later with it end up always in sex, Cocaine, up my nose, then off for a pussy or a cock. Mostly I fucked were women. I didn’t want to end up pregnant, also had a problem in trusting condoms. I do make the men use it, but for against sexually transmitted diseases, not for prevention of pregnancies and always being pounded from behind. Fuck and chuck them all I did. No relationship was without a contract.
Today I will meet nobody. Just a sandwich with caviar and salmon from cafeteria and off to home, accompanied with bottle of Kahlua, in my bag secretly hidden, but first thing first, let's get rid of these clothes. Reek of sweat. I hated the job as a bar waitress. Detest the trade or not, I did it with pride. No one was good and dedicated me, always on time, constantly pristine and did my job the best way I could. Fake interactions? Damn right! I faked interactions the moment, I started this profession. My father told me, if I hate the job, or not, it doesn't matter. Do it with pride. You do not like it? It's okay,just bear with it. Do it by keeping in mind that this career, will be your stepping stone toward your goal, or towards something that might throw you somewhere in between. And after two years, today is my last day. Today I quit.
I have no purpose in life. Well life threw me a curve ball, like that in Harry Potter, while playing at their sport also I just go swinging back and follow the ball, see where it takes me.
Time is up. Its about to go home and no I will not do the last day an overtime. I am not a workaholic and no I am not greedy for the money moreover I have enough of them. I threw one of the table covers on the hanger and went off to the locker room, leaving one of the bar waiters alone, which is a payback since he did that three times to me already.
I went silently away and called my mother to pick me and she won't answer the phone. What a bitch!!. Screw her, I grabbed the second phone and called one of my girlfriends more of a fuck buddy, but to her I am a lover. Poor soul. She had attached herself to me emotionally, when in the contract it says, clearly not to fall in love with me or you are out.
I called her, Annabelle, a married woman, who her husband beat her up and forces her to do him and his friends from work after or before cooking for them. I am too empty to feel sorry for her, but I have no idea why, people trust me with their personal shit.
I don't get it.
*Ring, ring,ring* " Hey baby, how are you? Missed me already hunnybun? " I wince when she talk to me like that, but say nothing, besides I need her to take me home and something is telling me its going to be a long night. Too bad, dad still gives me a curfew, when I am already eighteen years old. Old fashioned much since I got tits and a vagina?
" Hey Annabelle. How are you hot lips? " And there, the words, were meaningless. I never meant shit and sure don't care how she is. But with emotional people you better thread carefully around one's heart. " I am not so alright. He was pissed at me, for I do not know why and he slammed my face against the mirror. I so want to leave him, but I have nowhere to go. Can I sleep at your place?"
For a moment, she took me by surprise, I nearly choked in taking too much air. I could hear, from her voice, that nothing is right. actually she is like... broken again. I met with her husband once when she told him, that I was her personal trainer." I can't babe. I live with my parents, They aren't big for any visitors or guests staying over.
Sorry if I disturbed you. I will call a cab, have a goodnight." Could I be more bastard? Yes. "Wait, don't hang up. Where are you? " I was sitting my ass outside the hotel on the marble made floor, head resting against the glass door. Looking at the beautiful dark but chilled up night, I replied softly more than I intended, but without care at the moment. " Am just finished from work" Didn't need to wait much for response. " Which hotel? " Closing my eyes for a moment I whispered yet somehow she heard me " Qawra Palace Hotel, Coast road, Qawra....." Breathing slowly, feeling that beautiful cold breeze on the hot night, I feel so good and relaxed . Am I dying and went to somewhere peaceful? To Bahamas perhaps? Till I hear her again I came back to reality, " Wait for me baby. I am coming for you now. ". Guess I will have to wait a lot. she is from Sliema but it's weekend and the streets get wild and jammed with traffic. Oh well, I do not care. I bring out my Kahlua, and bottomed up two huge chugs down my throat. So delicious with the taste of coffee.
I was surprised when I saw her there all of a sudden with a blue dress, so that colleagues that worked in the pizzeria and the same bar I worked with came out to see where I was, not that they care, but I guess to see what I was doing and have a joke created on me. She came at me and from 40 years old woman, she looks only 30. Red auburn hair in pony tail, and her curves swaying like a hot woman ready to walk on the catwalk. She is hot. One of the guys tried to whistle at her and call her up, but I guess there his ego goes, straight to the toilet. I try to stand up and manage, waiting for her .... or not ..going towards her as well as she is towards me, once we got closer, she pulled me and kissed me on my lips, and me knowing that most of the hotel that was working in the reception and Cafe' including those who were waiting, not leaving out the customers.....
I gave them more scene than they bargained for. I was not not going to shy away. If I do not do some public obscenity than my name is not Ciaran, for I am known as shameless dog. I pulled her to me, grabbed one of her leg up and my other hand on her her and using my tongue on her visible enough for everyone to see, and their expression? Fucking priceless. We walked away leaving them staring and got into her Porsche 911 carrera S cabriolet, silver. I never intended to bed rich women, but they seemed to be attracted to me. I got into her car and we both latched out seat belts, drove out from the parking and off to home, or near.... Never show your bed buddies your home. Specially in case they might turn in to stalkers.
Here how I met her and how we become connected sexually..
She was all skinny to the very bone, hardly ate anything, because her husband don't let her eat if nor, three times a week. He even had beaten her to the pulp when she was pregnant with his child, telling her, she is not allowed to get fat. I didn't felt sorry when I saw her fragile at Sliema, near Mark & Spencer.
I bumped into her making her fall hard to the ground. I wanted to yell at her, but saw tears in her eyes. I just looked at her to see if she can get up by herself , only that she didn't . Her eyes looked pleading at me, only that I stared at her, till I fed up seeing her pathetic attempts to stand up and gave her a quick helping hand. And got away. Somehow, there was something weird about her but in an annoying way. I was too tired and had to be home before it rains. I love the weather when I am at home or at work, not here.
Once I got home, mother already is cooking. which is unusual, since she started to act up and rebelling, against everything that my father needed to. Which is eat dinner at 18:00 so the food is early digested and he can lose weight and etc.. I was fine by eating at 19:00 if I was lucky, which I wasn't much. She was cooking at 21:00 and that was bothersome since its late for any normal dinner to be digested and food is heavy at that hour or later. Today she seems to be in the mood to behave? Good, lets not ruffle the feathers and ask her if she needs me to help her. I wish not to, but knowing her temper, how much fast it can flare off to the roof.
After I asked her to help her, she said only one thing, to remove the clothes, that are hanging outside. I obliged. I put my father's and mine and her underwear and normal casual stuff in each of every room and my and dad's uniforms, to the utility room to be ironed later. I hate ironing my shirts so, I take it always the way it is on me, and when I used to arrive at work, I get into my casual tee, or a sweater, give it to Peter, to iron it for me or to Godwin. Both of them at the laundry cared to treat me well.
Then went up for a bath, next play with the computer and after in bed for book reading, and last sleep.
Four days later I went to Sliema for just a stroll, and then to Giorgio's coffee shop. Usually I hate it, its full of people more so is today, so I went off upwards, then went to a different road straight into a very narrow path while up the steps. I have some more cash, I guess I could use a warm meal. Today mother was in a terrible mood furthermore I am not going to cook for myself while end up cooking for both of them.
I sat down near the door only more inside like a wallflower so I do not feel cold. My black faded turtle neck sweater, jeans and denim jacket, is not enough. I had a shot of grappa with hot chocolate and Ta Kris is awesome house warming, rustic restaurant. I didn't notice who came in. I was more focused on the menu and the soup in this cold sounds like a reasonable choice to me. Someone bumped into me, displeased I looked up and there she was. I looked at her sternly,just before I heard her husband, call her way too nicely and I know that tone too well. Too nice in public, towards the wife or kids or husband, means behind the closed doors, are bruising, broken bones, broken souls, silent screams and tears, and any kind of abuse.
Then the hag told him that she knew me. I was mad and shocked speechless at her boldness to lie about me in my face at him, straight through her teeth. If she want a death wish, fine, just don't implicate me in your domestic mess, bitch!!
Then he came to face me calmly and asked if its that true. What I saw in his eyes is venom he had for his wife. That anger that needs to lash out at somehow who was good ta take it in, and I know because I have the same kind of urge all the time. The same need to do so and am about to snap. I had no idea why the hell I did that, but I lied too and said I did know her yes. Then he asked me how I know her and I told him I am a personal trainer. Big fat lie but I am used to lie one after another and yet this was way too heavy. " Annabelle, why do you need a personal trainer? " I could see the right muscle of his right eye that is twitching, getting more angry. " We can't afford her and also you do not need any advise. " There goes my stupid effort.... next time C please shut your pie hole , and mind your business. " Then there she goes again ... " But...but.... I need her. She was teaching me how to cook and teach me how to behave the way you want me and all. And she is free of charge. " Wait a frigging' minute, say Whaaaaat? I have to lie for this nuts and I do not get anything in return? she got some nerve.....Now its me who is getting angry.. ready to spoil her plan. Till he accepted , but threatened her that if she does not improve, then we both get beaten. He said it whispering but I heard him well.
Woman, fuck you very much for putting me in a unwanted trap!!
Neatly and sneakily she slid her number under my arm on the table...
Finally they left me alone but I did not order anymore. I stood up and paid for the hot chocolate and the shot, off I go to drink somewhere else... I went instead to buy some clothes and new pair of shoes and off to the bus..She looked at me, hesitated a little, biting her lower lip and looked anywhere else, but hearing me sighing and tapping my foot in a very impatient manner, sure made her go down on her knees towards me and asked me to give her a way to escape..
I stopped in mid way that I was going to drink my glass of tequila. I think she like me, was searching a place to go mentally far away in order to escape from the brutal reality that keeps hurting us, that keeps most of us in a vicious circle. But the way I know how to do it is mostly unhealthy. Cocaine, alcohol, sex, and BDSM, beside I do nothing for free. I never do things for free or these parasites will take advantage of me. You want something from me? No matter how little or big, I want my share and its better to be worth it.
" Sorry but am afraid you got the wrong person. The only way I can offer of sex of any kind. You are very heterosexual and your husband is abusive wanker, if you cheat on him and he finds out, he will kill us both. " Just as I stood up, she grabbed me at legs and with tears in her eyes and her croaked voice begged me so much to stay. She don't care what happens later with him, he will not know. She is ready to take any ticket, for an escape. Nothing is worst than being with a beast like him. Beast is too kind. He is a abusive insecure fuck.
I grabbed her chin and made her look at me, " Are you sure you are ready to have me, giving you sex, however I see fit?" "Yes" She looked certain but I was not convinced. " I will be rough and sometimes too rough, sometimes I have to punish you and sometimes I will be nice and sweet. depends my moods. I will write the contract right now and you have to sign if you agree, but you don't like, do not sign anything and walk away but never look at me again. Understood? " She nodded. Now please drink your coffee while I write up the contract.
After 30 minutes, I finished and read it three times till I was certain, that everything was in the right place. I called her, to come and sit on the other chair. Which she did. She read the contract properly and thought it well for like another 40 minutes, which is a good sign, that at least she is reading it through and through and make sure to understand what is written. There were few questions like how will she know when to meet me, and I told her I will call her. She just have leave an email for me and delete it or write when is the next lecture etc..
Then from the reflection of the window I could see her signing in. I told her when she is ready to start, she replied even now. I told her to have a shower. I turned around and gave her, her privacy to strip off the clothes and her undies. After five minutes in the shower, I went in the bathroom and opened the curtain. Took off my shoes and my cell phone, wallet, and socks , went in the shower too. my hair and my clothes getting soaked but I didn't care.
She jumped when she saw me, I told her all is alright that all is, is to be expected. Directed her to turn around and she did. I demanded her to lend me the shampoo and she did indeed. I pulled her gently towards me, told her to keep her back towards me. I removed her hair band, slowly untangling her hair, massaging her head, while getting soaked in the blissful of warm jets of water, applying all the shampoo in my hands continuing massaging her scalp, noticed the bruises and scars by the feeling of my fingers she got more than one should have in her life, but continue to rub it in her hair, in a delicate way, and I hear her soft moans.Then I rinse her hair, slowly, uttering slowly for her to get the shower gel and like she is hypnotised, just obliged. I kept her back towards me, tugged her more with me, started to kiss her neck, sucking softly and careful, inhaling the scent of magnolia on her skin. Not to leave any marks, so her husband won't notice later on showering while having sex is good, as in not to leave any stone unturned. Holding her in place and now kissing her left shoulder, then her right shoulder, moving to the base of her back and kiss up and small invisible hickeys up to her neck ,back to the same place, licking it all up. In one stroke by swaying an S shape, made her hiss and moan with want and need. Suddenly I nailed her to the wall, caught hold of her neck again, with shower gel in my palms roughly then gently from her neck down to her breast bone, trailing her breast, so small, bruised crushed, with old cuts and cigarette burns yet, I found it alluring, still kept playing with her breast with her nipples. Her nipples are nicely shaped and round light brown, now hard due to the water going down on it and me rubbing the areola that now is more enjoyable, by pinching it, deciding to dive in and sucking it as much as I can, in my mouth, while my hand is on her left breast.
After I took control, with the right one, I go down, cascading more downward towards her pelvis that feels nothing but bone. Deciding not to care. Going around her but, my mouth still latched to her nipple playing with it grazing my teeth with it, blowing soft hot air on the tender spot, then biting it a bit hard and blowing again, then licking it, trying not to leave any wound or mark. The evidence of an affair..... Groped her round butt cheek, and with the other playing with her inner thighs and pelvis. I am good in multitasking like this. going, round, round in circles on her buttocks and slapping it lightly, hearing her gasping, she was already starting to orgasm .... without even staring on her pussy.
My left hand went back to the other side of the breast lifting it up and licking that little crevice and nibbling on the soft skin like I am nibbling on a dumpling, but not actually eating it. More like .... savouring it while playing with the food. I had to hold her because her knees buckled. Did she got tired standing on her feet or is it something else?
I pushed her gently to the wall, then with my eyes set on her stomach, slowly slowly using with my index finger now travelling, down, again to her pelvis, teasing her, torturing that body of hers, into something ticklish, suddenly scraping my nails roughly but not enough to harm her, looking at me, with those eyes, she was already at her wits end as she was and wanted me to fuck her, but am not over it yet. Downwards and up I go till savagely I seized the moment and inserted 3 of my fingers inside her,and she screamed. Her scream echoed in the bathroom and autistic as I was, loud noises like echoes in enclosed areas are the worst, and for that I punished her by pulling out and driving it inside harshly inside for three times in a row, pulled out and decided to get out.
She grabbed my hand and begged me not to stop. Ignoring her, I was already out of the tub but she followed me. Scratched my forearm, I yanked my hand away from her and pushed her down the floor but not enough to injure her with any flesh wound. I did say I am a bastard. I hate it when a woman screams, but I admit I went in rough without a warning so I did apologise for that.
"Annabelle, if you want this to continue...... never again screaming in the bathrooms or anywhere that echoes, specially in an enclosed areas." I snarled at her. She realised what she had done wrong and pleaded, sobbed pitifully to continue also not to leave her. Its because she was shocked at first, nevertheless she won't repeat the same mistake. I went down and lifted her up, and threw her on the bed. I jumped on her. The look in her eyes, filled with lust did not show Annabelle the pitiful beaten egg, but a demon who wants to devour me yet I am the one who hold the cards in bed. With anticipation she lays down and open her legs for me.
I pull her hair and demand her to strip my belt off. She did, following the next commands like to undo my buttons and pull down my pants, obediently she did. With her hair in my hands, I forced her face towards my vagina and she played with it gently at first, then continuing fast and deeper, she was about to insert her fingers inside and I scolded her " When did I tell you to do that? " Shocked, she removed her hands from there. I told her mouth only. Used a bit of her teeth and felt she bit me gently though, " That's it. Good girl, Now go deeper and suck like your life depends on it ". Somehow there was something missing and I wanted more. This woman can't seem to please me. I can't seem to orgasm after she continued for half an hour.
Knowing myself I knew in reality what was the problem. Inserting the fingers inside would feel more intense and pleasurable, but I had a secret and only I know it and someone else. I won't speak about it. It is part of the past and must stay that way. This part only a man can make me feel good because majority of the females here in this country aren't willing to try and honestly I do not blame them. Not even I want to go there on someone else so I won't force it on anyone. I made her stop, pulled my pants back up and continued to please her instead. I laid all of my weight on her however, we changed positions. Now she is lying on top of me. I got full few from here.
No matter how much her body was damaged and scarred, she still looked like a goddess. I seized her neck next to my face, and with my tongue in her ear, she was moaning softly moving her body in sync, my left knee went between her legs, The jeans was made with rough and heavy material, Corduroy was excellent for this. While her tits were bumping with mine and her clit was in a dancing battle with my knee, she was sure enjoying triple party here. Tongue in her ear and thankfully she cleans her ears well.... nipples grazing with the lace of my bra, calling my name, or in this case my Alias name, couple of times till she was in total ecstasy, hitting the high road with full waves of orgasms, she came 2 more times. Feeling my knee wet...and hot at the same time, she went on the other knee, not wanting to exhaust me.
I slapped her butt. stopping in mid action with pout lips, she told me if she can play with my nipples. I said " Forget it. This is all pleasuring you today. Now listen to what I have to say. Come up and hold on to this metal head bed, and sit on my face. " She was uncertain of it and did not move. " Come on. we do not have all day. You need to be home soon. Chop chop. " She came positioning her pussy right on my face and I reached up, I grabbed on her knees firmly her, and my mouth came into contact with her clit.
She sure has a long yet clean clitoris, its going to be interesting tracing it. Sucking on it was like sucking on a bacon that is smoked, wet and not cooked to a crisp. The tip of the tongue going into folds, gently moving in deep with her help, that she is jostling her hips in circles yet I could hear here animalistic screams not feeling annoyed this time round since her legs are blocking most of the sounds, I decided to please her more by inserting my of my finger between the crevice of her ass. "Just testing the waters", I was thinking, "so please lass do not panic. you are doing fine." She noticed what I was trying to do and opened her crevice wide for me to do as I please.
While with my tip of the muscle tongue reaching back to her clitoris and her folds, with my finger gently starting probing in to her backside, reaching the chrysanthemum (crack hole) and massaging it while slowly was opening to my finger. Her screams became moans again but more desperate this time begging me to stop torturing her, nevertheless her body has something else on its mind. My finger went inside gently and started to take it out and back inside, and her body was subtly shaking, with bit of discomfort, then came the desire burning. Damn I could feel my finger being sucked inside and nearly melted with the heat. I decided to try two fingers this time and followed the same process. She came again in my mouth like no other has ever done. This women tonight won't be able to speak if she continues to scream like a lustful banshee. Erotically, I play, with them, mouth with her ravished vagina and her fanny keyhole with my fingers by tickling them, savouring and other one intruding and teasing slowly to fast and back slowly in repetition . Her body shaking with pleasure. Now got her G spot and rounding on it.I can hear her body for more and feel full heat like that of an oven. Finally she went all Niagara falls on me and squirted the hell out on my face and mouth. She was about to fall off the bed, but I held her in time and placed her near me. Got up, from the bed I stopped and looked at her. "Annabelle are you feeling okay?" She did not look at me and did not bulge from there at all but said, "Call my husband and tell him I died and went to heaven, without him. He can prepare my funeral. " I replied "Sure and then my father have to prepare one for him and me, because there is no way your husband is going to let me off after the call. " With that I helped her up and put her in the shower and helped her wash up from the foam, sweat, cream pie and other bodily liquids and the shampoo. With that I left before and paid the bill.
Then I went away leaving her a paper message in the envelope with the reception that I am gone and to leave me an email. Every once a two week we meet, but gave her a diet that she has to follow, whether her husband want or not.
Its been a week that I have not called her, and somehow I am on verge to need an escape. I met a cute girl. She is seventeen years old, blonde and green eyes. Slim okay and not much of a breast. Hell for me breast is not much of a factor but always preferred small ones than large ones. As a size was never a factor either. I never had a type except that she is a good cook and good at school and real common sense put at good use, definitely not an uptight sas. Not a snob either. She is a posh girl. Rich? Maybe, who knows. She is not that tall. She is only five foot one, no heel type of feet. More of a flat footed girl. Loves Ballerina shoes. I saw her many times here at Valletta, and her hands are not so delicate. Which is good. Black, squared framed, spectacles. Pastel coloured clothes every time. She does not smoke, but I wonder if she drinks.... I can visualize her drinking, beer, sitting in lotus position naked there while I am with a sketchbook. I smile. I approach her and take her wallet without her knowing. When you are a klepto and you do it on purpose to steal the intended object from intended person is easy. Never fear that you are going to get caught, because if you become too nervous while you do it, things gets sloppy and clumsy like from the Pan straight to the fire.
Now you say it's cause I need money, but wrong. I am in no need of money. I just have a strategy that moment. A fleeting moment? yes. An improviser. I improvise that very moment I plan things in baby step, because anything can happen between one plan and another and I need to move with the results of good and wrong repercussions. Fuck me if things goes always wrong, but wait.... they do always go wrong when I plan for a long run. So let's plan for a short one and see what happens, then once we see the result, we calculate, think, study, plan and execute. Being sloppy is not to be forgiving. Its to be punished, yet learnt from. But I got no time to learn at the moment. Something is calling me and I need to execute. I managed to snatch her wallet and people can say alight about the objects they carry and also from the clothes and music and food, drinks, cigarettes, perfumes, way of thoughts, comes, with the objects they carry or use that moment.
Her wallet is plushie, with animals key chain, and have some photos of her friends, some Maltese lira, which I counted fifty in the fold, coins, and so many cards, shopping cards and one for the Hilton. Its a gold card, meaning the girl got money, because to have a gold card Hilton, you spend nights there, renting a room for a night or more, with full board. I also have a silver one too here with the gold. Means she gets, to party half days. Okay, she is not that uptight. Let's see her attitude now and her way of thought more clearly.
I go to the table she was sitting at, and grab look at the people in the cafe' bar and no one is looking at me or the table and see around and no one is looking either. Good. I put the wallet there and then grab it again and give it to the cashier at the bar, telling them someone left it there apparently. I ask for a black coffee, and a bottle of water, and go to sit down. I pull up my sketch book, and my pencils, and I can see its still very bright light, since its still in September and its only 16:00. I told my parents I will be at the City. Anywhere, as long I am not at home. I can feel her looking for her wallet and then I can hear the footsteps, towards the table, I am now sitting at, then goes to the bar, slightly smiling am still trying to sketch the salt and pepper shakers, that is on my table and seemingly lost in focus and there she looks at me, because she had sat the opposite chair and slowly, lifting my head up, see those eyes, looking at me, with a smile. " The Cashier, told me you found my wallet on this table, that in fact was sitting at. I want to thank you so much. " I nod and smile at her but say nothing. Her voice is hoarse and cute.
Continue for the next upcoming chapter...........
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