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What being a "vampire" means to me

02:42 Feb 12 2023
Times Read: 101


I let loose in a now deleted journal that I struggle with delusions. I don't really make it a secret. It's something I want to talk about, somehow, somewhere. I guess a vampire website is that "somewhere" for me?

The thing about delusions is your entire identity can get ripped apart and patchworked back together in a few hours. One week, I am an alien waiting to return home, wherever that's supposed to be in the universe. Another, I'm an unholy beast that was never supposed to exist. Even outside of big episodes, I just can't see myself as a human being. So much of me gets scattered around that I can barely stay consistent, even with long-term or recurring delusions.

I do manage to pin a few things down, though. One of them is that I call myself a vampire. I'm not a vampire in a delusional way, I'm a vampire because I choose to call myself that. It's one part of my identity I've been able to control.

Being a vampire means control. Something solid I can hold onto in my fuzzy interpretation of the world and myself. Something I decided for myself and didn't start believing out of nowhere. And if I ever feel like it, I can just stop calling myself that.


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