CoolFraming's Journal


Honor: 707    [ Give / Take ]


3 entries this month


Be patient with yourself

01:01 Feb 16 2022
Times Read: 145

Life becomes a filtered lens controlled solely by the narcissist. This foggy view limits a person to see real danger and keeps them on high alert. The survival instinct kicks in as they settle for an anxious environment wrought with fear of disappointing the narcissist sadly believing this is living. So when the relationship ends, it is no wonder the non-narcissist struggles.

The stages for recovery are slow but well worth the effort as in the end, a person can regain their identity and thrive. Erik Eriksons Eight Stages of Psychosocial Development is used as the foundation for recovery because it highlights the need to begin from the beginning and rework nearly every aspect of a persons life.

Trust vs. Mistrust. In a narcissistic relationship, the non-narcissist is conditioned to only trust the narcissist in all ways of thinking, behaving, and emoting. Any differing opinion, including their own, is shot down and torn to shreds. Recovery must begin with learning to trust the perception of others, especially with those who understand the unique dynamics of this relationship.

Autonomy vs. Doubt/Shame. The narcissist frequently uses doubt and shame to subdue their partners because at the heart of narcissism is a person struggling with their own shame. Reversing this pattern means the non-narcissist must make their own decisions even if they are poor. The natural discovery process of learning from mistakes and suffering consequences develops autonomy.

Initiative vs. Guilt. The narcissistic ego rarely appreciates their partner taking initiative in the relationship. Instead they accuse the non-narcissist of trying to control them or take over. If there is one tiny hint of truth in those statements, the non-narcissist feels a parallelizing guilt. Gaining back initiative involves trying new things, exploring creativity, engaging with different people, and rediscovering favorite pastimes.

Industry vs. Inferiority. During the relationship, non-narcissist quickly discovers that what they do, think, and emote is always inferior to the narcissist. The narcissists constant need for superiority wont tolerate a partner of equal or greater value. Reversing this pattern requires new thinking. The non-narcissist must constantly remind themselves that, I am good enough and I do do good work.

Identity vs. Role Confusion. Remember the old Pac-man game where the goal was to gobble up as many lesser blobs as possible? That is what narcissists like to do with the identities of others around them because this gives them more power and influence. The non-narcissist is frequently confused as to where the narcissist ends and they begin. Separating from this is difficult as the non-narcissist will need to try on various identities until they find one that is comfortable and best represents their true selves. This is the most time consuming stage.

Intimacy vs. Isolation. Narcissists cant be intimate because even they dont like their inner self despite the superficial bravado. As a result, the non-narcissist must settle for a relationship where both parties live in isolation. But outside of a narcissistic relationship, there lies the possibility of true intimacy. However, a person cannot be intimate with another person until they accept and know who they are. That is why the previous stage is so vital.

Generativity vs. Stagnation. The self-absorbed nature of a narcissist prevents them from giving back to others unless there is some type of outward benefit. Even within the relationship, the narcissist will expect far more than they give in return. Once outside the relationship, non-narcissists find pleasure in guiding others out of the narcissistic fog and into the new reality.

Wisdom vs. Despair. A person who stays in a narcissistic relationship long-term develops a sense that this is as good as it can get. They put aside their own wants and desires in exchange for the narcissists wishes. Their sacrifice is a silent surrender that few realize or appreciate. But when the narcissistic relationship ends, the wisdom the non-narcissist has gained from surviving the ordeal is staggering. Not only has the fog fully lifted, but the gained perception is crystal clear.

Recovering from a narcissistic relationship takes time. The longer the relationship lasted, the longer it takes to recover. Most dont see stage six for at least a year. Be patient, there are many good benefits that can be gained from taking things slowly.



05:26 Mar 31 2022

I can’t tell if I have one in my life. Sometimes I think it’s obvious and other times I feel like I am looking for it. Good information though!

02:38 Apr 16 2022

Experience is the best teacher. It often sobers us up, if we let it. And of course, life's lens gets little sharper, and ultimately you can see through BS faster and long before pain has a chance to enter the picture. All the best to you.


Avoiding personal devastation

00:20 Feb 13 2022
Times Read: 187

10 signs of a catfish

One of the first signs of being catfished is how quickly they were willing to get deeper involved. They will have proclaimed their undying love for you pretty quickly, with an early Define The Relationship (DTR) to boot.

The catfish has a profile so super-duper that you can’t believe your luck that ‘someone like that’ was interested in a ‘mere mortal’ like you.

Their mugshot and other photos were stolen and you’ll be able to find them back on the internet when you do an image search.

They’re likely to have stolen their identity from men/women in uniform and chosen official or professional-looking photos to portray a sense of trustworthiness. That’s a sure sign!

They’re hugely attentive, thoughtful and full of compliments about your looks and achievements. They’re well-practised in online seduction.
You have met them on a free internet dating site.

They proclaim to be rich, beautiful – with photos to boot, famous or successful in any other way.

They want you to keep your relationship a secret.

They want to use an instant messenger, email or any other service that can’t be monitored by the dating site.
Tellingly, your friends and family have long sounded the alarm bells – as they suspected you’re being catfished.

This is how you know you’re being catfished…

You met someone online – on a social network or dating site. He or she led you to believe that they are the most wonderful, responsive, kind, responsible and loving partner you could have ever have wished for.

He or she soothes and comforts you, is always there for you. You fall in love and they make sure you’re convinced that they’re deeply in love with you.

The two of you talk about being together and spending the rest of your life together.

When you’re completely smitten, you’re in a trance state. You have a narrow focus of attention and your capacity to see things in context is diminished.

In that state, it’s no surprise that you don’t notice things simply don’t add up and you miss all the red flags. Or, if you do see them, you tell yourself why they don’t really mean anything and that you’ve got it wrong (and of course, so will they). You can’t help it!

All of your attention needs are being met. You therefore desperately want to believe what you’re being told. And this can cause you to throw all caution to the wind.

You become mentally disconnected from your immediate surroundings and situation… and become much more open to suggestion. It’s easy for someone to take advantage of you when you’re in that state.

No wonder you missed the cues that someone was taking you for a ride and that it all sounded too good to be true.

Their caring messages, their calls, their responsiveness makes you feel on top of the world and, crucially very willing to help him or her out!

And now you probably feel you’re falling off the edge of a cliff!

You may have also ‘helped’ that person out numerous of times. You have perhaps sent money – maybe even several times – for all kinds of reasons. And now you’re beginning to get the feeling you may have been duped because promises have not been kept.

How to know you've been catfished:

Now you want to know how to find out if someone is a catfish, because you’re now more than suspicious.

The signs of a catfish

What the online love of your life doesn’t want you to know

Your online knight in shiny armour or beautiful princess might be sitting at home comfortably behind their desk or at the kitchen table while they’re chatting with you.

In that case, they’re likely to be someone who has little else going on in their life. They’re probably bored with their relationship or marriage, they have low self-esteem or they’re fed up with life.

Or, the online love of your life works for a well-oiled business running an online dating scam. In that case, their ‘working-life’ looks like this:

They’re operating from internet cafes in a team of ‘colleague scammers’ – both men and women.

These so-called ‘call centres’ are most often in secret locations, mainly in West Africa (Gambia and Nigeria).

They may resort to violence to defend their fortresses if necessary.

They are often poor and uneducated, unlike their bosses. Their ‘work’ – grooming and ensnaring you in an intimate online relationship may well be their only means of providing for their family.

Their keyboard is shared with an accomplish.

The object of your affection and undivided attention – your catfish – sadly has a ‘portfolio of clients’.

‘Team members’ will be managing each other’s phones, so the support, love and care you receive is probably provided by several people.

Catfishing is a widespread problem!

How to tell if you’re being catfished

Long-distance relationships are difficult enough, but even more so if you’re having doubts about your online partner.

Do you suspect now that he or she has a fake profile on one of your social networks?

How to outsmart the catfish

1. History
Do you have a clear history of the person and evidence to show for it? What did they do precisely when and where?

2. Images
Have you done an image search to check for multiple profiles?

3. Their age
Have you seen photos taken at various ages, in a variety of situations?

4. FB friends
Do they have a reasonable number of friends on Facebook? Or just a few?

5. Family and friends
Have you seen photos of his or her family and friends at a variety of functions – birthdays, parties, outings, at home doing ordinary things, etc?

6. Names and profiles
Do you know their full names and do you have access to their profiles?

7. Social media connections
Are you ‘friends’ on Facebook, Instagram or other social media sites with ‘friends’ of their family?

8. Qualifications and work history
Have you checked out their qualifications, places of work and addresses, where that’s at all possible?

9. Face-to-face contact
Have you ‘met’ them on Skype or Facetime? What was their attitude to video-chatting?

10. Physical address
Do you have any ‘real-life’ contact details and have you checked them?

11. Doubts
Have you taken note of your own niggling doubts however small? Have you been thinking for a while you should really find out if you’re being catfished?

Hopefully, you’ll now have a clearer idea of whether or not you are indeed being catfished.

My hope for you is, of course, that you have indeed found true love with someone you can trust.

Further signs of a catfish

Plans to meet have gone awry

Once an online long-distance relationship has really taken off, of course, you’d expect the next step to be that you see each other during a video call.

However, inexplicably, your ‘beau’ isn’t up for that.

You chatted about how, when and where you’d see each other in real life. You’ve barely slept in nervous anticipation of the two of you finally meeting up.

Shortly before the date, however…

There was an ‘incident’ – such as a terrible accident, an ill parent or a robbery.

Your ‘partner’, boy- or girlfriend, was full of sorrow, worry and tellingly, short of money with insufficient funds to buy that ticket to come and see you.

Naturally, you felt sorry for them as it all sounded so distressing and you had no reason to disbelieve them.

You afforded them a ‘loan’.

And then, the requests for money for what appeared to be ‘legitimate’ reasons didn’t stop
you still haven’t met in real life.

You still haven’t met, you may have spent a fortune and you’re beginning to see you’ve been catfished.

The signs of a catfish were probably there, but you were so in love, you didn’t see them.

Please, don’t give yourself a hard time. It’s totally understandable if you’re distraught. But, there’s no need to feel ashamed.

Poster. Text: the tell-tale signs of a catfish. Are you sure you've not been catfished? Online scam.
How to find a catfish

Finding a catfish in 5 steps
Do a reverse image search: https://www.labnol.org/internet/mobile-reverse-image-search/ to find out if they also use a different name. Just upload your image – simple.
Google their name and check websites and images for any further information
Fact-check everything you find
Search their friends’ social media profiles for a photo or name of your suspected catfish
Message a friend asking them if you can call them if you discover them under more than one of your potential catfish profiles.
Once you’ve found out who’s catfishing you, how do you find the catfish?

I totally get that you want to find the catfish, but the question is whether that would be in your best interest.


For starters, he or she may not be working on their own. They may be part of a large business!

Think about it – if you’ve been had by someone living relatively local, would you really benefit from taking revenge? Or would you be wasting even more of your precious energy on someone least deserving of it?

There are more victims!

You would have to feel terribly angry in your situation. This ‘stranger’ has let you down badly by pretending to be someone else. They have abused you mentally and emotionally and lied to you about money.

And they have more victims:

You need all your energy to heal.

Whatever has happened and however bad the damage – do forgive yourself! We can all be taken in by spontaneous and perhaps naively trusting people (or not) or just by being totally seduced.

Be kind to yourself, you really need it right now. I really want you to take good care of yourself.

I do completely understand you want a confrontation with that catfish!

If you have been targeted on social media by someone with a fake profile here’s where you can report them.

Confront the catfish in 4 steps
Collect the evidence with the help of the above list of background checks.

Take screenshots (google how to take screenshots for your device) of the evidence

Write them a letter (email) attaching all the evidence you’ve collated. Be sure to write how you’re feeling and how it is affecting you in other ways. Particularly confronting them with the effects can be very powerful – you can get it off your chest, and the catfish has to face the consequences of their behaviour.

Allow them to respond, but do not be persuaded by any denial or profuse apologies. It’s time to block them in your contact list and all your social media accounts.

There’s no point in confronting someone working for a criminal organisation by yourself.

It’s even possible that more than one person has been working on ‘your case’. So, if you suspect you’re the victim of a scam whereby you’ve lost a lot of money, you should report the catfish to the appropriate authorities in your country.

Here’s how to outsmart a catfish

I suspect you’re devastated by what’s happened. And even though you know in your heart you have to end that catfish relationship, it’s probably hard to even think about.

So, here’s my advice on how you can outsmart the catfish and end that relationship:

Don’t even for one minute consider the catfish’s feelings – they’ve used you.

Block the catfish on your social media accounts (and in the future only accept ‘friends’ you know).

Block ‘friends’ you met through them too.

Block them on your mobile.

Change your email address, and be very careful about who you share it with.

That’s it!

You’ll be sad for all sorts of reasons. But, believe me, when I say – you will survive!




Here it is

13:12 Feb 12 2022
Times Read: 218

“One of the saddest lessons of history is this: If we’ve been bamboozled long enough, we tend to reject any evidence of the bamboozle. We’re no longer interested in finding out the truth. The bamboozle has captured us. It’s simply too painful to acknowledge, even to ourselves, that we’ve been taken. Once you give a charlatan power over you, you almost never get it back.”



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