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JinxHeartSmile's Journal


JinxHeartSmile's Journal

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4 entries this month
 

23:53 Aug 21 2016
Times Read: 164


Why should I remember you?

The illusion of love we shared,

The disrespect,

The weight of your loathing on top my self loathing,

Your inconsideration,

Your lack of honesty and mistrust?

Your attentiveness,

occasional kind word,

your gifts?

The fact that neither of us can speak without a fight,

and my inability to comprehend this whole thing?

There are times when my thoughts travel to edge,

about to enter the darkest place of my conscious,

telling me to do unsavory things; I am not happy, after all.

Is it better I just forget you?

Just the thought of forgetting is a physical pain in my chest. I am aware I am not normal, that something is possibly wrong with me.


There are days I believe I'm happy, I'm just swimming along. And days like today; in which little things trigger memories, that bring in the end, leave me in agony- wanting to hide at home away from all other people but at the same time leaves me in want to someone to talk to.


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Walls

20:57 Aug 14 2016
Times Read: 176


Maybe my mom has a point. I just need thicker skin. Everyone has the potential to hurt you, and the closer they get, the tougher it is not the let it bother you. I need to stop trying to reason with an irrational person like that is going to change anything. The close ones are the ones you need to have your wall up for the highest.


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20:04 Aug 14 2016
Times Read: 177


I thought I could trust her; that we would be closer, more like friends when my last relationship went downhill. I guess in a way I was using her to feel less lonely. To feel a void?


Now I wish I have no emotions at all. How am I supposed to just get over it and pretend like this doesn't feel like a loss?. She is treating me like a villain when I done nothing wrong. I'm angry, but more than that I am so disheartened.


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Trust no one with money.

19:45 Aug 14 2016
Times Read: 180


My sister and I agreed to go half on $100 parking. I gave her $50 in cash, only to find out it was charged to my card. So she says they only have to give me $50 back. And I say no that is not right.


Its simple math. $100 + $50 = $150. I should have got the $50 + $50 (half the parking back) if it stayed on my card.


And she starts yelling at me and then throwing things in the hotel bathroom. And I try to say write it down on paper; its simple math. So her boyfriend has them go put it on correct card so that no one owes anyone money. So problem solved? No.


My sister gives me the silent treatment, and won't eat breakfast until kitchen almost closed because I was down there. On the ride home (in my car) she rolls down window while I have ac on. I ask her if she wants me to turn it up. She says nothing. I send her message. So I turn off ac and roll down all the windows. In 90 degree weather. So its very hot. Now I'm home and finding out she unfriended me on facebook and untagged herself from my happy birthday post.


And I'm trying not to let it get to me, but my feelings are hurt. She makes it seem like I did something wrong to her when I didn't?


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