Feeling needed is both and a blessing and a burden.
Today, I admit I miss him- well some of his attributes. (Get your mind out of the gutter. Actually...never mind.) Logic and my emotions are at odds. And I feel incredible sadness, but I'm past crying and towards longing. And the other I'm leading on may not like me at all, which makes everything worse. I do not have a desirable personality or body? How could I ever compete?
I've been stuffing my negative feelings down, and telling myself all the things I'm supposed to hear- I need to feel.
And keeping busy, has not done enough. Yet?
Today, I admit missing being treated like crap so that I could be told I was loved and beautiful on a regular basis. Something is wrong with me; I'm aware.
So pokemon go is a lot of fun, but there are hardly any pokestops near me. I don't pass any on my way to work. People that live in more remote areas are at a clear disadvantage. Also, all the idiots that play while driving, run into traffic getting hit by cars, robbing game players, are ruining it for everyone.
You like me? You barely text. You won't call. You canceled all our outings. You do not like me. You only say you do. Why?
Being in a relationship with someone that does not trust you is like being a cage. And when you escape the cage, the backlash is horrendous. And only after you think your a safe distance away, they reappear acting like a whole new person trying to lure you back into the cage. People don't change, only you, only me. No one else. Maybe I'm wrong, but what if I'm right? I need a new "safe distance."
I gained 5 lbs since February. I've been eating my feelings, I guess? Time to wean myself off sugar and being more consistent with the gym. Not feeling very motivated though
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