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KittyKat's Journal



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4 entries this month
 

~Still Around~

02:28 Apr 14 2006
Times Read: 736


~I feel kind of bad. I really have let this site go :-( I guess I have been working to hard on my space. Which to be honest I have not done to good of a job with. Not much going on in my life as of late. I've been sick :-( and it sucks. I am hoping this cold or what ever it is will go away soon. Oh two movies people need to see if they have not. One is Saw 2 and the other is Wolf Creek, both are wicked as hell!!!!!!!!! Well This is a short entry for now. I will post again later on.~


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~Good News~

23:38 Apr 04 2006
Times Read: 739


Current mood: happy

~Good news!!!!!! My Mom does not have cancer!!!!!! YAY!!!!!! *does a snoopy dance* I am so happy!!!!! Thank you God(s), Goddess, and who ever else I prayed too!!!!!!!!!~


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~New Day~

22:26 Apr 03 2006
Times Read: 740




Current mood: hopeful





Destroy Everything You Touch



by: Ladytron



Destroy everything you touch today

Destroy me this way

Anything that may desert you

So it cannot hurt you



You only have to look behind you

At who's under, mind you

Destroy everything you touch today

Destroy me this way



Everything you touch you don't feel

Do not know what you steal

Shakes your hand

Takes your gun

Wants you out of the sun



What you touch you don't feel

Do not know what you steal

Destroy everything you touch today

Please destroy me this way



Destroy everything you touch today

Destroy me this way

Anything that may delay you

Might just save you



You only have to look behind you

At who's under, mind you

Destroy everything you touch today

Destroy me this way



Everything you touch you don't feel

Do not know what you steal

Shakes your hand

Takes your gun

Wants you out of the sun



What you touch you don't feel

Do not know what you steal

Destroy everything you touch today

Please destroy me this way



Everything you touch you don't feel

Do not know what you steal

Shakes your hand

Takes your gun

Wants you out of the sun



What you touch you don't feel

Do not know what you steal

Destroy everything you touch today

Please destroy me this way



Everything you touch you don't feel

Do not know what you steal

Shakes your hand

Takes your gun

Wants you out of the sun



What you touch you don't feel

Do not know what you steal

Destroy everything you touch today

Please destroy me this way



I am actully in a good mood though I do not know why, weird how our moods are always changing. At least mind are always changing. I am like the ocean, you never know how it will be. One day I may be calm, the next I may be a raging storm. Oh the joys of being Bi-polar. I am on med's but we still have yet to find the right combo to keep me from flying off the handle at any giving point. Also I just took some other pills that act like speed and for some reason they really make me happy and loving. I love the way I feel when I take them . I wish I could take them all the time, but Vid would bitch at me and call me a drugy, but hahahaha I am a drugy cause I take pills every day. I don't think it matters if the Dr gives them to you or not.~



~Well I've been SI free for about a month now . YAY for me!!!! I have my times that I really want to cut. I mean their are some triggers out there that really set me off, but I try to get my mind off of them. I find music helps. Music for me express that in which I my self can not express. At times I find it hard to tell people how I feel so I may tell them to listen to a certain song and really listen to the words. That explains how I am feeling. It sounds stupid I know but sometimes it is the only way I know how to really open up and express how I feel. Oh today looking for Ladytron rington I can across a really cool Myspace page. I really hope the guy add's me. I am not looking to rack up alot of friends. Most people could careless about me and if ppl look most of the people on my list are bands. Though I did mange or I should say Jessica managed to to find me. We went to high school together . It is nice talking to her, even if it is just on my space. Then their is Sarah and Mary, I ment them on Xanga. They both are very sweet and caring!!! They always have kind works to say when I am feeling down. Then their is Steven who is my best friend. I met him on Xanga as well in a freak accident. I will say have met some nice ppl on my spcace. But I know not everyone is going to be my friend and take an intrest in my life.~



~ Hell why would they want to? My life is boring in comparrison to theirs. I don't do anything exciting any more. I've seem to have lost my self over the years. I use to be a fun wild person, who knew who she was, but a part of me has died in a way and don't think I can ever get it back. I know I bitch about my life alot, but I have to let out how I feel other wise bad things happen. I do not want to end up in the hosptial away from my kids. If I ever lose them I would lose it. They are what hold me together. Even in the darkest of days they are my light . I must sound like a complete fool huh? Jen said the other day I need to think of them....I am always thinking of them and their needs and what is best for them. I know at times the things they see and hear is not good for them, but if I were to leave right this moment I have no place to go, no plane of action. That would not be good for them either. Besides this is my parents house...and if anyone were to leave it would be Vid.~



~At times my fears do take hold of me and the voices (yes I hear voices) do speak and remind me of everything wrong I have done and remind me the past and all the things people have said about me and I start to think what if I really am a bad person? What if it is true and no one would ever love me? I know my chidlren love me, but I want the other love too. What if no one could handle me having mental illness and children? I mean come on I'll be 31 this year I am getting older not younger. Most men (Not all) want the younger women and I am not younger any more. Not that I want to rush out of a relationship right into another. However what if I meet someone and then a little while later he realizes it is to much for him and he can't take it? These all the questions I have that run through my head. I've been hurt so many times....I do not want to continue to get hurt. My heart can't take it....it is broken as it is. Ahhh I should be cleaning house. However I don't feel like it right this moment. I feel like posting.~



~Sorry if some of you find this entry boring. I don't mean for it to be....I guess if you do you can always not read it. Like I said I am a boring person. Well on to a new topic I guess we weathered the storms okay, as did my Mom and Dad and Steven the last time I talked to him which was at Midnight. He is suppose to call me when he wakes up and my Mom is suppose to call me this morning. Kids are off for Spring Break this week . I am glad! We are all looking fwd to summer!!!! No more dealing with the school crap! I know my son Zach needs the break. I don't know what has gotten into him he went from straight A's to F's. How ever he is pulling his grades back up finally!!!! Gus (My daughter) she is doing good. She has A's and B's. I am proud of both my kids.....but those F's have got to go. It's almost as if he does not care and that is not like him. Zach passes all his tests....he is not doing his home work! He would tell me and Vid he got it all done, and then he would tell his teacher I would not allow him to do it!!!!!! Oh I was pissed when I found that out. I would never not allow him to not do his home work. It's like spin again little guy!!! So needless to say We had a talk with the teacher and the school head master. All I know is he better make it to the 5th grade. I know Gus will make it to the 3rd. EEP my Baby's are growing up . They grown up to damn fast. YAY the pills are finally kicking in...my head tingles when I brush my hair!!!!!~



~I need to call the bank . Find out what good news awaits me their......blah!!!!! Well guess I should go.....sorry for the long ass post. Don't know what got into me *shrugs*. If you made it to the end I thank you for taking the time to read it. Hope all have a wonderful day. TTFN people~

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~Self-Harm~

04:27 Apr 01 2006
Times Read: 729


Self-harm

From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

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Self-harm (SH) is injury inflicted by a person upon his or her own body, whether conscious or unconscious. Some scholars use more technical definitions related to specific aspects of behavior. This injury may be aimed at relieving otherwise unbearable emotions, sensations of unreality and numbness, or for other reasons. Self-harm is generally a social taboo. It is sometimes associated with mental illnesses such as Borderline Personality Disorder, with a history of trauma and abuse, with eating disorders, or with mental traits such as perfectionism. Note that this article focuses on repetitive self-harm, not severe self-harm inflicted during psychosis, such as eye enucleation and amputation.







Definition

Self-harm is also known as self-injury (SI), self-inflicted violence (SIV), self-injurious behavior (SIB), and self-mutilation1, although this last term has connotations that some people find worrisome, inaccurate, or offensive. When discussing self-harm with someone who engages in it, it is suggested to use the same terms and words which that person uses, e.g. "cutting", rather than insisting on labeling it "self-harm".



A common form of self-injury involves shallow cuts to the skin of the arms or legs, or less frequently to other parts of the body, including the breasts and sexual organs. Since this is the most well-known, it is casually referred to as "cutting", though it may also involve punching, slapping, or burning oneself as well. The usual thought process behind self-injury is not to attempt suicide, but to relieve unbearable emotional pressure, or some kind of discomfort. Self-injury is seen by some as attention seeking behavior, though many people who self injure are very self-conscious of their wounds and scars and go to great lengths to conceal their behavior from others. They may offer alternate explanations for their injuries or conceal their scars with clothing.



Strictly, self-harm is a general term for self-damaging activities (which could include alcohol abuse, bulimia, etc). Self-injury refers more specifically to the practice of cutting, bruising, self poisoning, over-dosing (without suicidal intent, at first), burning or otherwise directly injuring the body. Self-harm is also a way for people to relieve the emotional pain of everyday life, especially in the case of teenagers, but not exclusively. People who self harm may hurt themselves with a favourite 'tool' or by whatever means available to "wipe out" the emotional distress that they feel inside. There may also be a specific ritual associated with the activity, such as being in a certain location, listening to certain types of music, or following the activity with specific behaviors not directly related to the harming itself.



Many people, including Health Care Workers, define self-harm based around the act of damaging one's own body. It may be more accurate to define self-harm based around the intent, and the emotional distress that the person wishes to deal with.





Demographics

The average European rate of self-harm for persons over 15 years is estimated to be 0.14% for males and 0.193% for females. For each age group the female rate exceeds that of the males, with the highest rate among females in the 15-24 age group and the highest rate among males in the 12-34 age group. Recently, however, it has been found that the female to male ratio, previously thought to be around 2:1, is diminishing – in Ireland it has been close to parity for a number of years.2 It has also been speculated that there is a significant amount of unrecorded cases among men, which never surface because males tend to feel more guilty and ashamed of showing signs of "weakness", or else feel they should cope alone.

The Mental Health Foundation meanwhile estimates the rate in the UK to be 0.77%. [1]

Conterio and Favazza estimate that 0.75% exhibit self-injurious behavior. [2]

According to the NMHA, experts estimate that nearly 1% of the United States population engages in habitual self-injurious behavior. [3]

In the Netherlands, recent studies showed that 5% of the females in the 15-24 group actively conduct self-harm, against 2% of the males in the same category. [citation needed]

Accurate statistics on self-harm are hard to come by. Recorded figures tend to be based on hospital admissions. These hide the larger group of self-harmers who do not need or seek hospital treatment for their injuries.



In New Zealand, more females are hospitalised for intentional self-harm than males. Females more commonly choose methods such as self-poisoning that generally are not fatal, but still serious enough to require hospitalization.3

About 10% of admissions to medical wards in the UK are as a result of self-harm. [4]



Psychology

One theory states that self-injury is a way to "go away" or dissociate, separating the mind from the feelings that are causing the anguish. This is done by tricking the mind into believing the pain felt at the time is caused by self-injury instead of the issues they were facing before. The physical pain may also act as a distraction from emotional pain, similar to the way a hot water bottle reduces the pain of a stomachache. The sexual organs may be deliberately hurt as a way to deal with unwanted feelings of sexuality.



To complement this theory, one can consider the need to 'stop' feeling emotional pain and mental agitation. "A person may be hyper-sensitive and overwhelmed; a great many thoughts may be revolving within their mind, and they may either become triggered or could make a decision to stop the overwhelming feelings." 4



Alternatively self-injury may be a means of feeling something, even if the sensation is unpleasant and painful. Those who self-injure sometimes describe feelings of emptiness or numbness, and physical pain may be a relief from these feelings. "A person may be detached from himself or herself, detached from life, numb and unfeeling. They may then recognise the need to function more, or have a desire to feel real again, and a decision is made to create sensation and 'wake up'." 5



A flow diagram of these two theories is available here.



It is also important to note that many self-injurers report feeling very little to no pain while self-harming. A self-injurer may undergo a change in experience of physical pain, particularly a cultivation of insensitivity to it.



Self-harm may also give a feeling of being in control of one's own body, which could be especially important for survivors of sexual abuse.



Self-injury may also be a means of communicating distress. This motivation is sometimes dismissed as "attention seeking" and has often been seen as the primary motivation. However, for many, the act of self-harm fulfils a purpose in itself and is not a means of communicating with or influencing others. Many who self-injure keep their injuries secret, while those who do disclose their injuries may be embarrassed and ashamed of their actions.



Those who engage in self-harm face the contradictory reality of harming themselves whilst at the same time obtaining relief from this act. For some self-injurers this relief is primarily psychological whilst for others this feeling of relief comes from the beta endorphins released in the brain (the same chemicals responsible for the "runner's high"). These act to reduce tension and emotional distress and may lead to a feeling of calm. A similar rush of endorphins is triggered when someone receives a tattoo. In this way, one can become addicted to getting tattoos. Similarly, those who self injure may also become addicted to the endorphin rush.



As a coping mechanism, self-injury can become psychologically addictive because, to the self-injurer, it works; it enables him/her to deal with intense stress in the current moment. The patterns sometimes created by it, such as specific time intervals between acts of self-injury, can also create a behavioral pattern that can result in a wanting or craving to fulfill thoughts of self-injury.



A lesser form of this extreme act is, for example, hitting one's head on the table or pulling one's hair out. Although this is often used euphemistically, for those who do it serves the same purpose of deferring the stress experienced by the major cause by the pain from this secondary option.





Culture / Community

It has been said, usually in a derogatory fashion by the Media, that there is a 'culture of self injury' within schools and on the Internet. There are certainly communities that are based around the subject of self harm, and they tend to focus around a message board with or without a main website. But there is not 'a community'; there is not one Umbrella organisation that represents or speaks for people who self harm. There are many community sites of varying sizes that offer peer-support, emotional discussion, philosophical and psychological discussion, and general chit-chat. As the acts of self-harm can be widely misconstrued amongst the general populance, finding support from another person who has or does engage in self-harm can be preferable to discussion with someone not familiar with the underlying roots and thought structure behind it. Anecdotally, there are self harmers who state that it is easier for them to identify other self harmers than the average person would be able to, much as one who has been through other types of emotional distress can recognize the subtle cues given off by others who suffer the same affliction.



There is some disagreement as to whether such communities encourage and support self harm, however, such communities are known as Pro-SI and are separate from general self-injury Awareness communities.



There is anecdotal evidence6 that by being free to express feelings and self-harm related thoughts, that a person can understand their emotional world and reasons for self harming; people who no longer hurt themselves often continue to be members of self-injury Awareness Message Boards for some time after 'quitting' and offer support to those people who wish to move away from self harm. Maintaining involvement in such support groups can also foster a continued remission of self-harm, though there is a far less organized support structure involving 'sponsors' as there is in alcoholism support groups, for example.





Self-harm awareness

There are many movements among the general self harm community to make self harm and treatment better known to mental health professionals as well as the general public. SIAD (Self Injury Awareness Day) which is set for March 1st of every year, is the widest known movement. On this day some people choose to be more open about their own self harm, and awareness organisations make special efforts to raise awareness about self harm. Some people wear ribbons to show awareness; commonly orange ribbons are used for this.



SIAD was initiated by selfinjury.org (Now known as the American Self-Harm Information Clearinghouse). It is not universally recognised, but it is a well known date within the grass-roots movement of self-injury awareness.





Treatment

Self-harm may be an indicator of depression and / or other psychological problems. It is worth noting that whilst self-injury is emphatically not a failed or half-hearted suicide attempt, there is a non-causal correlation between self-injury and suicide. Many make the mistake of believing that self-harm and suicide are directly connected in the sense that the former leads to the latter 100% of the time. This is not so. While self harming behaviour may seem alarming and appear dangerous, for most of the people engaged in self injurious behaviour, self-injury serves a purpose, allowing them some degree of control over their feelings. Identification of the cause of emotional distress and subsequent therapy (e.g. behavior modification through Cognitive Behavioral Therapy [i.e. the learning of new coping mechanisms]), a person who is injuring themselves may be advised to do something else when they have the urge to harm themselves. They might be told to write in a journal or address their feelings in another safe manner. They may also be told to avoid having the objects they use to harm themselves within easy reach. Diagnosis and treatment of the causes is thought by many to be the best approach to self-harm; some clinicians, however, take a behavioral approach in order to reduce the behavior itself. People who rely on habitual self-harm are sometimes psychiatrically hospitalised.



Self-harm is more common than many people realise, especially in adolescents under stress. People who self-harm often feel a great amount of guilt as it is, so when encountering or discovering self-harm it is vital that support and understanding be shown, for the good of all involved.



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