I don't know what it is with me but I seem to invite trouble my way . I once invited a whole truck load of trouble into my life . It was back in 2013 and it didn't really get better until 2016 . Now I'm doing it again . I came here because I wanted I guess some self discovery . Not much in my life has made much seance and I was hoping someone might help me . People don't seem to read my profile and the pick a choose which journal entries they read . So they don't really get a seance of who I am and why I'm here . I know my journal entry last night is the reason I'm getting into trouble . I feel I have to be honest . I can't be completely honest about myself with my family . I think if they new how I have always felt about everything in life and what I would do if the chance was given to me . They would hate me . Im trying to be good even here but I know I'm getting it wrong and trouble is coming my way again . I don't seem to be able to stop myself I constantly invite it . 5 years I repressed my true desires and my witch craft . I can't repress this anymore . The witch is what I am the craft is how I choose to use it . I ask that people think very carefully about things I say . Try to understand me if possible but don't expect me to invite you all the way in . You need to have exactly what I want because I won't except nothing less ever ! I own up my soul is dark my power is dark and my mind and desires embrace the darker aspects of life and the beyond . Thats something I can't hide or repress anymore .
I feel I have become incredibly resentful when it comes to life . I constantly feel cheated . This was not the life I was supposed to have . I feel like all Im doing is waiting for the day cancer or some other illness eats away at me until I'm no more . Or its the absurdity that is growing old . Watching myself decay . No way in hell am I going to do that . Im returning to my witch craft . I need to draw things back into me . And I need pull an entity I once had years ago back into my life . I have to bring myself back to a place where I can be found or saved . It just depends on how you look at it . My dark desires and energy have taken me over again and I have to make use of it before it disappears again . I know I could get myself into trouble or I could face being harmed or even killed . Its a risk I'm willing to take . I can't remain safe with myself anymore . I want the risk and to face the fear .
My desires are strong right now . They have been low for a number of months . I think it was mostly down to me being so unwell and be unhappy in my new surroundings . When I was in my early 20s I had what I can only describe as a nightly visiter . To start with it really scared me . I had no idea what it was and why it was well attacking me . I found out through some research that it was an astral vampire . The attacks were sexual and very painful . I would completely drained of energy and very confused . When I was about 23 I decided to test the ground a bit . I needed to see if it was real or just my imagination . I worked up my sexual desires and waited for it to come for me . And he did . I saw the buttons on my night shirt come undone . I completely panicked and I jumped straight out of bed . After that he only seemed to turn up during the winter months . Always the same time 3 in the morning . He seemed to turn up less once I was living with my ex partner . The behaviour changed then . I knew he was angry . When ever he showed up it was in an angry way . Sometimes in dreams I felt as though I could see him . Dark hair an wearing a black shroud . After my long term relationship ended and I was living alone with my teenaged daughter . I got quite angry with the world . I got into a friendship with a man who was a satanist . He tried hard to get me involved in his coven . He kept telling me I looked like a witch he often worshiped . I started having nightmares where I was stuck in an old library with two old men who were trying to get me to turn my back on the darkness that they said had surrounded me in all the lives I had lived. They said no matter what I did in life I would always be on the side of darkness and evil . And thats why my husbands had me destroyed . I hated that this could be true about me . I met someone new and he was a witch . He assured me that I was a witch too and I was not evil . I spent a couple of nights away from home . My daughter had friends staying with her while I was away . She called me in the middle of night scared because she could hear a man screaming and banging on the walls in the house . After that she would not be alone in the house again . I had the horrible feeling my night visiter had come back again . Nothing happened again for 4 months . Then one night when I was away again my mum had stayed at my house to look after my dog . She told me she heard a man crying . I was never able to piece together what had really happened to me in that house . I live in a new house now . I sometimes wonder what happened to him . Who was he and why did he come and where did he go . Will he one day come back . My desire is back in a big way . Will this make him return .
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