Now the question is, do I want to search for someone in 2023 to be withor face my darkness alone
I love it when people say things like oh it will get better .... blah blah blah. Oh that's nice. Are you a psychic now? Are you in direct contact with Jesus? No? Then fuck off.
No one knows if things will get better. It's better to let me vent then silence me.
I keep dreaming of someone who lives in another country. Given my situation, a country I will probably never get to visit. It's weird. The dead no longer come to me while I dream. I don't think I have started dreamwalking and hurting people again. Dreams always have meant something. More often than not usually would come true at some point. I don't know. I just feel a little unsettled.
I finally got into a new place. I've never lived alone before. The silence is fileting my heart as I yearn for something out of my reach.
He still hasn't paid for what he had done, the pain and destruction he caused. I still think about killing him. I tried to bury that thought deep inside me. He is roaming free hurting everyone in his path, yet I can't rid the world of him. He is the epitome of everything wrong in life, love, and hope. If only his defective heart would seize in his fat chest.
Loneliness is killing me slowly. I want to find someone to be with and care about. I am worried time won't be kind to me. I downloaded a dating app but my disgust for the human race made me delete it after a few hours. I want sex. I want to feel another person touching me. I miss physical contact. It's been so long since anyone wanted to touch me, or even hold my hand. Even when I was with him, he didn't touch me outside of sex. It was almost as if he was repulsed by me. But then again, over time my hatred for him overcame any other feeling I had. Then it was no longer about love, it was only about sex. Then the sex stopped, and suddenly his microscopic heart shown through. I should have known better. I should have never gave him the time of day. He remains my biggest regret.
The holidays are coming. A brand new year is approaching. I will do everything in my power to not have a year like 2022 ever again. Even if I have to force myself into a coma or finally trick death to come for me.
I've had to start over so many times, I seem to have lost my core. I need a win in my life. Everything is just waiting on a hinge. Nothing is moving forward.
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