The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

Last night I dreamed I was in a happy poly relationship with 2 or 3 other men. I remember how peaceful and content we were in each others presences. I think at some point the dream took a turn and I was living in the aftermath of one of them passing, but even in what should have been a sorrowful part of the dream, I remember feeling a sense of renewed hope- like I could feel them watching over me from beyond.

I'm really hoping the happier dreams stay with me this time.

I'm still struggling. It seems like all I do is apply to job listings and go to interviews that lead nowhere. All to maybe get some shitty job where I'll be underpaid and treated worse than garbage. I've been in my roommates living room two months and I'm still not getting anywhere. I have nightmares about work, but I have no choice but to return to it. I see no path I can currently take that would allow me to heal, truly heal from all the abuse I've endured.

It's either go back into the workforce or eventually end up homeless for real. Either way, I lose a part of my soul.

The days bleed into one another. I job hunt and I sleep. Sometimes I paint or write. Mostly I just harm myself by forcing myself to continue job hunting, and I sleep, only to have more nightmares about work.

At least NaPoWriMo is coming up; I've been looking forward to that. I had a good time with it last year, although trying to write a poem a day is a huge challenge.

I need more things like that in my life.

I have a lot of nightmares. I have for a long, long time now.
Frankly, I've been fed up with it for quite some time.

I had to do a lot of introspection to help determine some of the reasons why, in spite of my overpowering desire for happy dreams and happy feelings, I keep having fucking nightmares.

Apart from understanding that my mind is full of pervasive trauma, I came to a realization: that I am constantly wishing my life was only a nightmare, so that I could wake up from it. When shit gets bad, I find myself doing reality checks to see if it's just another one of my nightmares. I'm not doing reality checks when I'm having a good time, for the most part.

I've started trying a new tactic to condition my mind for better dreams. I used to just try to spend time in happy daydreams before I fell asleep, but it was never enough. Now, instead of wishing for life to just be a nightmare I can wake from, I am trying to tell myself throughout the day and at night what kind of dream I want to be having.

Instead of: "I hope this is only a nightmare"
Try this now: "I want to be having a happy dream"
Or: "I want this to be a sexy dream"
Or: "I am going to have very happy dreams."

I haven't made any real progress, yet, but I'm trying to keep at it. My mind has conditioned itself for years with coping mechanisms that backfired on me, but I'm determined to take control for the better.

Here's to a happier, healthier dreamscape.