Well it’s time for news, kiddies. Matt’s taking a little break from all this, a few other things. Having a psychotic episode will do that to a guy. Which means I’m here. Any messages you folk leave here will get to him eventually.
Unfortunate it had to come to this and I wish circumstances were different, but what can I say, it’s great to be back.
Time heals all wounds. Eventually. Partially true. But deep wounds leave scars, and while they fade a bit with age, you never really lose them.
I’m not waxing poetical for any real reason, just...sleep deprivation does fucked up things to my thought process.
Fuck I need to get away for a while.
-sighs and attempts to burrow into the couch-
Family dinners suck the fucking life out of me.
Past two weeks have been a friggin shitshow and they aren’t shaping up to be any better.
Pity I have work tomorrow, the Jack Daniels is lookin real friendly.
In other news, thanks to an email I received, a long lost cousin in Uganda wants to send me ten million dollars US. ...which would be nice if I were stupid enough to fall for it.
*carefully pats your back* It was the same with my family too. Then I decided it wasn’t worth the hassle and just stopped answering their calls and stopped showing up to family gatherings. I can say I’ve been a much happier person since I’ve done that.
I hope it gets better for you.
Things will get better, Cheshire. Just keep your chin up.
Family dinner later tonight. Not looking forward to it. Gotta go and pretend nothing is wrong while they all pretend not to stare at me and whisper about me behind my back. Suitably awkward and annoying for everyone.
I’d skip it, but it’s my 11 year old cousin’s birthday.
I was just informed one of our people had a straight up seizure at work today. Ambulance called and everything.
I mean. I just...she’s a friend.
Didn’t pan out with regard to the other job I wanted. Back to the drawing board. Can’t quit. No backsliding.
One. Single. Question.
Been browbeating myself over this since that conversation with my mother. All I would have had to do was actually ask her for help. I never asked because I assumed she'd say no. And now it's too late and I've ruined a friendship, probably for good.
I mean, shit. You'd think I'd get tired of shooting myself in the foot.
Absolute depths of depression and it all could have been solved by asking one simple question. That I didn’t know I needed to ask.
-sigh- fuck it. Gave me the drive I need to move forward. Can’t let this shit keep me down, I’ll backslide. Can’t afford that. My only aim should be to move forward. Out of the darkness. Be someone my friends and loved ones can be proud of.
Be someone I can be proud of.
Boss gave me shit today. “Your eyes aren’t smiling behind your mask. Be happier. Show out customers we care.”
My eyes aren’t smiling? Fuck you, you know what I’m going through. Eat shit.
“So if you want to relocate to be closer to your friend I’ll pay for your first months rent and help you out.”
“But why didn’t you offer this option two years ago when I wanted to move closer to Kitty?”
“Well...you never asked, son.”
FUUUUUUUUUCK MYYYYY LIIIIIFEEEEE
Thank goodness for private journal entries, they allow me to vent without anyone seeing that the face reflects the madness within.
Yes that’s a reference. ID it and win a cookie.
Nervous. Sleep deprived. Barely any appetite.
Baby steps. Remember what Dad said. “Survive til daylight.” Just gotta survive til daylight and rinse and repeat.
Seven percent. Seven percent provided to me two years ago would have solved everything.
A seven percent solution. ...-snicker- the universe throwing Sherlock Holmes references at me. It would make me gigglesnort if it wasn’t so fucking sad.
Can’t trust my mother either it seems.
Fuck it all.
Disturbing things coming to light about certain family members.
As if I didn’t have enough problems.
Had I been given my rightful inheritance, all of my problems could have been solved 2 years ago.
Packing up and moving to Florida with my stepmother looks better by the day...especially since moving to Alabama, or rather my reason for it, recently became a nonissue.
It’s fucking cold out there folks, stay warm.
Sign in to rant and get shit off my chest.:.and start a fuckin war.
As if I didn’t feel worthless enough.
I didn’t mean to start fights, ladies. I’m just trying to survive. Not sure what for at this point, I’ve lost Eve try one and my family wants me committed, but hey, survival seemed like a good idea at the time.
God I wish my father was still here.
“Survive til daylight and work out the next steps when the sun rises, son.”
But how can I survive til daylight when the night never ends?
My family think I’ve had a psychotic break. I don’t think they’re wrong. The symptoms I’ve been having also vaguely resemble some of those of various types of cancer. At my age, taken out by the same shit that killed my dad? Wouldn’t that be ducking poetic?
I deserve everything that’s coming to me of course. When you drag your feet on the request of someone you love out of fear and it could have all been avoided...
My own fault.
I just wish I didn’t constantly hurt everyone I love.
I can’t do this shit anymore.
Will the universe ever tire of using me for a chew toy?
I’m not back, I’m just...venting. Another fifteen year friendship gone because of my choices.
Fuck I’m tiered of losing people, but maybe it’s karma. Hell, maybe God decided to stop bailing my ass out of trouble.
My old friend kitty and I are no longer on speaking terms. Dragged my feet on something for five years instead of cowboying up and doing what she asked. Now we aren’t speaking. Her patience with me ran out.
Bound to happen. This rate it won’t be long before the rest of my friends abandon me too.
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