I think today is the day. That last straw. I seriously feel like I’m losing my mind. The flying monkey squad has arrived.
Made sure to already ruin her day with all there bullshit of pitting everyone against each other.
Alrighty then…Now everyone is annoying me…well it’s understandable I’ve had my people limit to last me a whole month or two.
Now I probably won’t go out with my friends for a few weeks.
Honestly a lot has been changing in the dynamic of the triad for the past 2 months. I’m better on a one on one basis. It always complicates things adding or having group friends especially when they can’t be mature and sit and talk and work out their difference’s.
Had to play moderator yesterday.. it may be way longer than a few weeks until I want to deal with it if the drama continues.
This event was planned months in advance before things “changed” between them.
I think that season may be over… well it was good while it lasted I suppose. I will still hang with them individually but nothing will be planned by me anyway that requires us to all hang together unless they decide it between themselves.
I feel like I’m the child in the middle of being moved back and forth between two parents that are divorced. I’m sure there is a past trigger there but my brain is not ready to explore that right now.
*hiss* Thee light. Grrr
Well upon inspection surprisingly my pasty white self didn’t get sunburnt. Thank you sunscreen.
I’m so white though that my friends said I looked like I was reflective white. Lol Whatever the hell that means. Lol
No I don’t fucken sparkle. Lol
I got a band shirt as well which is always the case for every concert I attend. The band was good just a local band from our area. They are pretty tight though. The lead vocalist had a good voice but the EQ was muddy but meh it was a “metal” band but over all I would go to see them again if given the chance.
I’m debating do I start my day or try to get more rest because I’m still tired from the heat.
I am happy you had a good time hun, live music and crowds are great to get the energy up.
There were a shit ton of biker’s there.
Not sure if the energy the sun stole was proportionate to the energy the crowd gave out I think it equalled out though in the end but all the drama I had to deal with prior to the start of the concert didn’t help.
I was very hyper afterwards for quite some time but then about 9:00 pm I slowed down.
So I just got home. Lol Spent all day dodging the sun it stayed behind the trees where we sat most of the time. The band was good but fuck it was hot. It rained on the way back and the temperature dropped that coupled with the sun going down. Got the window open feels nice after the past two days of roasting.
Phone reception sucked out there too.
What a damn day! Well off to my friends house to hang out in a couple hours. Then to a concert on Sunday afternoon. Hopefully it won’t get rained out.
Going to go eat something now that it has cooled down in the house a little since the AC is now in the window. Was too hot to want to eat anything all day.
Had a dream I was pregnant. Good thing I don’t have to worry about that anymore since my surgery a few years ago. Plus I haven’t been active for a few years either.
Hmm wonder what it could mean because this time it’s not literal.
Have had a headache now since the beginning of yesterday probably from stress…
It’s just painful enough to be annoying and distracting so I can’t focus on anything.
Going to take something and go back to bed…
People are going to believe what they want about you. So let them!
I know the ones I’m obligated to and the ones I’m not. It’s my choice who I want in my life.
You know you fucked up. Mistakes were made. You can move on even if you don’t gain my forgiveness. You’re stronger than you give yourself credit for.
The forgiveness you are seeking lays inside you. Keep going.
Are you ever coding and you get to a point where you go cross eyed? Lol
That was me last night adding somethings to my profile on my tiny ass IPhone which by the way won’t allow me to load any files to my file storage. I get a bad file name error. I think I know why that is because the iPhone changes the file name so the website doesn’t see it as anything it can use. When I save them they are files types that are compatible. Which is a pain so I have to code on my slow android tablet.
Doesn’t happen with gif files so apologies to all the people who hate gif files on profiles. It is what it is and I like it and what’s up with the white screening? Anyone else having that problem with IPhone or any other device white screening and having to dump the cache files and waiting for it to resurrect after trying the links about four times and failing.
That has been a pretty recent thing as well.
I still have not figured out how to code and how to gain one and add it to my profile SMH.
I get white screens sometimes but I attribute it to my internet speeds dropping sometimes due to high traffic overload and it gets hung and can't load. Perhaps its the same for iPhone if using wifi or the signal strength of cell phone. I just give it some time and then just reload it and it will eventually work.
Yea it could be that. Though I do use my data which is LTE because during the evening my WiFi acts funky and slow which is weird because it’s “high speed” internet. 🤷🏻♀️
I have LTE too on iPhone. But tend to be frugal with it to use for hotspot for laptop and drones when away from home. Not a fan of all the autologgoffs from changing ip addresses on mobile when it come to this site.
That’s what I used to do I would have it switch onto data when I would leave my house and just be on WiFi when at home. The auto log off annoys me too much anymore I just put it on data to avoid it.
I want a lap top at some point but don’t see it happening right now because there are other goals in mind. So I just put up with it for now. I have a cheap android tablet I got as a gift one year so I make it work.
Some days it just doesn’t seem worth it to try.
So there comes a point to which I have come to feel so torn about certain things.
I guess I should say people.
Psychology advises to stay away from toxic people but love says something else.
Over and over again my heart continues to get broken. Sometimes anymore I don’t know if it’s them or me or a combination of the two.
Yea I know certain people like to assume that I think I’m perfect. Shit if anything as life goes on I learn more and more that I’m a shit person because there’s no shortage of people that will make sure they use facts and their honesty to tell me what a shit person I am.
Hell some have even lied about me.
But no one knows how I struggle with feeling pulled to try to love people to the point of it destroying myself. That I will even reach out to an enemy to see how they are doing when I know they must be struggling.
If this is what it means to deny one’s self and to come to the end of yourself I can only assume it gets worse.
I feel like I could die from the heartache alone but nope every morning I wake up.
Wondering how the fuck am I still here.
I would much rather love people than fight with them because fuck I’ve been there we all have. We have had those moments where we have been less than perfect and we wished there was someone anyone there for us when we needed them.
Apparently my youngest is in a mood today.
She is 6 mind you, so she started saying she is 10 decades old. I’m like oh really now? Then how comes you’re in the body of a six year old? I asked her if she lived before and she said no I’m going to live to be 100. I said so you also know the future then. Lol she said I’m a vampire! Lol and I said so am I RAWR! and we laughed.
I have to be honest I asked her how she knew about vampires she said I don’t know Mommy with a shrug because she didn’t know anything about my love of the vampire nor have we ever talked about it before this time.
So no she isn’t unhinged we live a “normal” life by society’s standards. Just one of those weird parent kid conversations that happen.
Wanting to move this profile to a house but there are only 7 houses and obvious stipulations for all of them all of which I’m not sure.
Was also debating just being truly solitary and not having a coven with this profile but every time I have tried in the past to do that I have people begin to mess with me on purpose to cause issues and drama.
Made mediterranean and crab and cheese stuffed mushrooms and steak in the air fryer tonight.
When the two oldest got home from a late rehearsal I made them grilled cheese in the air fryer.
The only thing I hate is cleaning it but I just put everything in the dishwasher as soon as it’s cool enough to touch and dump the grease.
So he got himself an air fryer under the guise of Mother’s Day.
I’ve been training my whole life for this moment.
Go get some marshmallows, twinkies, anything you want to fry for you and the kiddos and have a party while he is gone. Then fry him some grub worms, lots of protein I've heard, and mixed veggies.
Yea it can also dehydrate so I can dry fruits.
Maybe I’ll find a recipe for chocolate covered grasshoppers. Hehehe
The kids want to try pizza rolls in it. I’m thinking it will make a pretty slamming grilled cheese too.
The moral of the story is you can only be responsible for what you do because even if you do genuinely care about others and they still don’t want to take your advice they will be responsible for what they do anyway regardless despite you.
Just know everything you do and say has a reaction and possible consequences for them they may not be apparent or they may very well be very loudly apparent.
When reasoning with someone just doesn’t get through for whatever reason than you have to wash your hands of the matter and move on knowing at least you tried the best you could to help. Sometimes people need tough love and learning the hard way.
Just be careful what you’re getting yourself into you might not be able to get out of it.
Before you know it it will sideswipe you mark my words.
Be careful of those you let close to you they might not be who you think they are. Just saying I had to learn that the hard way here.
It’s amazing how decades can pass and certain emotional pains are still so palpable.
Regret being one of them. Regretting not realizing you were selfish to disregard the imperfections of another. To realize that they were in fact human and that you were less understanding with them as you should have been especially because they were a parent that you idealized simply because they were your parent. Your expectations of the person that they really were shattering you to the core and that overwhelming disappointment of finding out they were not as great as you had once thought or hoped.
That one day you finally see the truth.
I’m not sure if every child goes through this stage of development. Or that it is even really a thing but it happened to me.
I remember very vividly the day I had realized I had been so harsh with my Father for the mistakes he made as a parent. Not realizing like me that he was human because at the time I was a new parent myself and there is nothing more humbling then making a mistake as a parent and having to own up to it.
I called my Dad that day and apologized to him for being so selfish and not more understanding of the mistakes he made.
We both sobbed like babies on the phone that day and he apologized to me for not being the Father he knew I deserved.
For years afterwards he was the Father I deserved and so much more. I just wished I could have had more time with him to live it out.
Honestly at this point I’m just not that interested…
Yea, I enjoy talking to people but if communication is difficult with someone and it takes too much work I’m just not going to do it.
Believe what you want I just really do not care at this point. I’m here to have fun and write my thoughts in my journal. To get away from the difficulty that life can bring to escape even if just for a little. I’m not here to win some competition of wits. The ends do not justify themselves in this case for me.
You know how when you want to relax just by playing a game that is simple and doesn’t take much brain power to play? That’s me I don’t find difficult and challenging games to be relaxing.
So I won’t play them if the level of difficulty is past a certain threshold. I have to be in a certain frame of mind and mood to play difficult games.
Sometimes you just want something simple that flows not something that gets stopped up like a toilet when you use too much paper.
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