My obsession06:03 Nov 07 2010
Times Read: 714
Once, long ago, you were mine. I was yours. I vowed to make you happy. I kept that promise. Though your vows weren't quite the same, you kept yours. I love how you loved me, then I thought....
Often you cried at night over false hope and belief in something you never wanted to believe in again. You spoke of heart break and how it hurt you. It hurt me too. We can each repair the others heart. You smiled and so did I.
I loved how you treated me, then I thought....
You laughed when I laughed. You embraced the warmth in my hug. You felt the tenderness in my kiss. But you never quite held my hand the way I wanted.
I loved it when I was your world, then she thought....
An old crush? A new lover? A changed friend? From where? Out of sight? In the shadows! It's a light! Grace from beyond. I though I had lost you but an angel came to save you when I could not. I thanked the angel. I loved the angel. The angel nodded to me and said that you were hers now...
Through the insanity of it all, through the long, sleepless nights, through the tears and pains and blood, I didn't stop to think that I wouldn't get you back. I was just happy you were alive. Was it worth it to risk your safety and lose you forever? Is it better that you live happy and with your angel rather than in sorrow, waiting for me to hold your hand? I fall into the dark every night, screaming, flailing, careening into a whirlpool of doubt, despair, and desperation...no, not desperation. I'm not desperate. Not yet. To be desperate would kill her, and her angel. I will not. I cannot kill the angel. The angel keeps her safe. The angel grants her life. I will sleep...
I will wait....
I will die....
alone....
If only it means she will be safe.
But what if I cannot pass another day without her? Will I return to the world I once became enslaved to? Maybe it's easier there than I remember? Would insanity be a better place for me? Is jealousy the ticket there? Maybe it's just an act of pure emotion. A phenomenon of bliss that overpowers the brain and knocks it into a level of excited hallucinations, schizophrenia and paranoia? Maybe I should try it. Maybe that's the place for me. They always liked me there. They always loved me. I never cried there...
In my dreams I can imagine you walking past in a hallway. Your perfume erupts in my nostrils. My eyes latch on to your body. My legs keep walking and I have to force my arms at my side, keeping them from reaching out for you. Is this what it's like living in a world where you exist, where I exist, but no love exists?
As you walk past I think to myself of all the reasons why I don't want to touch you. Your arms are outstretched toward me, but I don't take hold. In my hands are nails, glass, and needles. Each embedded deep within my flesh, blood dripping from my fingertips. If I touch you, I'm afraid you will shatter, shatter into a million untraceable pieces.
I keep walking and you bring your arms down. You glance over your shoulder and smile. I feel, physically, my heart crack, bleed, and rust over. As you walk away I fall to my knees, clutching my chest. It's hard to breathe. I hit the ground, gasping for air, my vision blurring but I'm able to see as you reach out for an illuminated, white hand from around a corner. As the last strand of your hair, the heel of your shoe, and your precious aura tuck away behind the corner I feel my body die. It gets cold, everything gets dark, and I'm all alone. The only thing I can focus on is your scent. The smell of your perfume. It hold me together, but there is only so much of me left. In the midst of the cold, darkness, I feel a warmth. It's so small, but I know it's there. It's almost like I can see it. When I reach out to touch it, I realize what it is. It's resolution. It's what I earned for letting you go. It was your smile as you walked away. It was for the smell of your perfume to guide me in the night. Even as I lay here, crushed, and dieing, I hold onto everything I have of you. It's because of my obsession. I would rather see your smile every night and die every morning, than finally take your hand in mine and watch as you shatter...
This is the path I've taken. This is the path I live.
COMMENTS
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thundara
17:45 Jan 04 2012
wow simply amazing .!