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Sometimes I just get so tired of things. Of everything really. I hate being sick all the time. I hate being clumsy. I hate my love life is a gigantic disaster. Sigh. I try to stay positive, but it is very hard sometimes. I just lost (he didn't die, but I don't know how else to say it) my best friend and the guy I am in love. Yes, it was the same person. It got to a point where I'm not sure we were meant to be together. I left thinking it would make things better, but it hasn't. I am depressed over it. Over a few other things as well, but mostly over that. It's hard when someone has been a part of your life for a long time and then suddenly things just stop working.



There was a time when he made me happy, but something changed and he was angry a lot. Unfortunately, he chose to take that anger out on me, even when it wasn't my fault. I told him I left to survive and he thought that meant I left to be happy. There is a difference. Being yelled at and stressed out all the time is not good for people with lupus. Bad emotions are something the disease reacts poorly to. I left to survive, not really to be happy. At the moment I kind of feel like I am not meant to be happy, as sad as that may sound. It's hard to explain all the resons that lead me to think I am not meant to be happy. It would take a very lengthy post to do that and I am too tired for that.



I wish that love were easy and that when someone wasn't meant for you, it was easy to stop loving them. Too bad nothing I have ever wished for has come true lol. I love him even now which I am sure is why I am hurting so much. I wish I could stop, it would make it hurt less, but I can't. Sigh. I need to call a friend and get out of the house for a while. Maybe some fresh air will help...