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i hate march. im sure people hear me say i hate a lot of things, but march of all the months in the year seems for me to be the hardest. i dont mean to be moody. i dont mean to isolate. but it happens. i go to bed fine, and i wake up 16 hours later and i feel like theres no hope left in the universe. thats how it starts. over the years ive learned to recognize what happens. see im not fantastic with remembering what day it is all the time. comes with years of graveyard shifts and insomnia. but i know the feeling. see march was when everything changed for me. when i lost my dad, my family and my innocence. my dad died on the... 23rd i believe? 24th maybe? somewhere in there. from there my life changed and the abuse started. plus factor in that seasonal depression exists and basically, march / beginning of spring is a nightmare for my mental state.
mostly i sleep. sometimes i barely stay awake at work. sometimes i text a friend and talk. but nothing takes that dread away. theres a constant overhang on dread. like at any moment something bad is going to happen. my therapist has helped me understand that this is probably remembered trauma that i either actually remember or subconsciously remember. im also told i have something call Reactive Attachment Disorder. im basically unable to form healthy attachments, or i just never did, or something to that effect. i dont quite remember tbh. i dont like looking into every diagnosis you know? at what point does it become " i did this because i have such and such diagnosis" rather than " i did this because i chose to" you know? the truth is that i dont know why i go on. truly i dont. maybe spite? maybe its because im too damn dumb to just lay down and die. i dont know. everyone else calls it "resiliancy" and i hate hearing it. it feels like being patronized. "hey good for you bud. you didnt lay down and die when the world beat the shit out of you " is how that sounds. life is hard. its hard for everyone. all over. and i hate how every word sounds coming out of my mouth. i sound like a child. i sound like someone who doesnt understand that life sucks for everyone, but i DO. i do more than anyone will ever understand. the man who walks down the street alone day by day to buy a pack of smokes, suddenly stops going one day. he dies. he wasnt well liked perhaps, or had few friends and family, so not many noticed. but i did. i alone mourn the loss of a solitary unknown citizen. him and so many others. why? because i see my Father in every single one of then. the kind, intelligent, caring and selfless man that passes without much fanfare it seems. the one whose death should be felt for lightyears instead of a few feet.
but who am i kidding, march isnt even the only month difficult for me. in truth, its getting difficult to even get up and face the mirror reguardless of the day. march, June, October, November, December, January, yes 6 months of the year have major traumatic events for me. isnt that just fucking pathetic? i sincerly dont wake up and mope around. i do what i can to be normal. sometimes that means i have to interact with others, make a fool of myself, get everyone laughing because perhaps for a time, i might be too. the single biggest difference between me and the rest of this world, is that most all of you can stand up and look in the mirror and say " yeah, i matter" but i cant. i look in the mirror and say i know that i dont matter, but i really WANT to. i WANT to matter so badly that i guess i refuse to give up. musicians and movie stars are the only people that seem to matter in life to the greater masses. so while my pseudo fame doesnt do anything for me personally, i feel like i have to continue trying with it. become the one theing that might mean that i matter. confused yet ? im sure. lots of people probably would be. there is nothing else i HAVE. nothing of value to offer. only my music. i told a friend of mine semi rcently about a character in a book i identified with heavily. well theres more than one probably, but this particular one was thin, frail, and the subject of riddicule constantly. hated by everyone around him, much likemyself growing up. but the one thing he DID have was his magic. it was the only thing that was his. for me, thats my music. i never mattered to anyone before i could sing. nobody cared who i was outside singing events until i dyed my hair. put on the eyeliner. tattooed my body. pierced my skin. essentially i fetishized myself to an audience who wasnt even ok with Althernative fashion yet.
sorry, im rambling again. i do that a lot. none of this felt like something i needed to put in my physical journal is all. see i keep a normal one that i write in every week. a memoire of sorts. so when i die, it will be something left behind as an explanation of my daily/ weekly thoughts. my struggles. my thoughts on life. lyricssm poems ect. bbut here? here is my dark solitary corner of the internet where i dont matter and i can hide away. i probably do that a lot too dont i? well whatever. im going to end this entry now. until next time i suppose.

got Ghosted again today. not that i should be surprised at this point i guess. ive quickly learned that the only person who prioritizes me is me, and even i suck at that.
my friend came to town, and she moved away a year or two ago. we were supposed to go drive around or eat or whatever. i wasnt 100% sure of which one. i was told we would hang when i woke up. so i texted and was told basically she was already too busy with the other friends. she said she didnt have other plans today though. now normally, i wouldnt care too much. shit happens. but this energy has been EVERYONE of late. as soon as i stop texting you all first, stop snapchatting, stop asking to game, stop everything, then everyone disappears. so clearly, im just not that fucking important. thats fine. im a big boy. i can handle that. i just didn't expect it to basically be everybody.
its just started off as a shit month for me. i swear to fuck, the next person who calls me fake , im probably just gonna lose it on them. i try so fucking hard for everyone. the people who say it when they are mad is one thing. i can ignore that ignorant ass shit. but the people who know me or talk to me? what more do you people fucking want from me. i give the time of day to you. i answer your burning questions. im in some cases more than brutally honest about my issues. what the FUCK is so fake? just because you dont like what you see doesn't mean im fake. i wont apologize for a god damn thing ive been through anymore, or the scars it left. furthermore, i wont apologize for shit. ive done that way too often with some of my closest friends. its become a whole thing now where everyone acts like a douche to me and tries to flip it on me like its my fault. like somehow i deserve this. yeah no. not anymore. sorry. fuck you all. i HATE being a deplorable asshole but thats basically where my heads at this week, so if any of my people fit into this box, thats just the person im gonna be.

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PsychoticUsagi
09:07 Mar 16 2024

I know this isn't about me, but I'll give it to you fucking straight, Cheshire. Maybe people think you're fake because you never seem genuine about anything. And what I mean by that is you switch gears from being serious to being a major shithead very quickly, turning serious conversations into joking around. I know you're bad at communicating. I know it's a trauma-response. But it can be a little frustrating attempting to be close to a person who constantly dances around things instead of just being straightforward. This is why personally you confuse the fuck outta me all the time. Because I can almost never tell when you're being sincere about anything. That, for me, is emotionally exhausting. You wanna know why people think you're fake when you've literally said to me, more than once, "The way I act with most of my friends is just for show so I can feed off of their happy energy, I act how people want me to act." Like, dude. And I'm not trying to attack you, I'm just giving you the response you asked for. I wouldn't say you're fake, I'd say you seem disingenuous a lot of the time because you can't seem to stay serious about anything.
And for the record, I've told you many times you can call, video call, or game with me any time. Literally, if you asked me to game with you any time, 24/7, I would hop on with you. But you've blown me off so many times that I don't bother to offer anymore. You told me at the beginning of the month that you were going to be moody, and out of touch. You say that A LOT of months. So how can anyone reach out to you when you constantly basically preemptively tell them not to bother because you'll be in a bad mood? Again. You confuse the fuck outta me to the point where I personally let you initiate everything because the pulling me close then pushing me away gets exhausting, and I am already EXHAUSTED because you are not the only one who has significant damage. But a lot of the time you act like your damage is ALL you are, like there's nothing else in there. There is. You're better than that, Cheshire. You're better than your walls, and you can't expect people to climb them. Again, "I'm going to be a deplorable asshole this week," so why would ANYONE reach out to you in that state?

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It seems as though in many cases, when you stop reaching out or stop answering, people lose interest. 3 or 4 different friends who basically only talk when they want something started getting no answer or reply. I noticed i was deleted on socials by a few recently. im honestly just kind of done with everything. A few people seem to imply that im fake too. This one friend in a group chat told me i was fake because i started ignoring them AND the group chat because it was only drama, shit talking and this one chick hitting all the guys up trying to get money because she felt she was “too pretty to work” well guess how ingot deleted? shes the admin. LOL. but that aside i had another friend imply that im fake and thats really starting to piss me off. I never know what they want. Just feels like no matter what I say, or what we talk about, im doing something wrong. im fake. I dont talk enough. I dont text. its kind of a thing now. Again, i never get the first text. Its always “im not like the rest” like everyone says, but if i fee like im putting ALL the effort in, how is it different really?
Then theres my buddy. We skate together, and work together. But anytime im recognized by anyone, regardless of age, or gender, he has to call them one of my “simps” it’s become a whole thing. He thinks its funny to refer to a fan base as my “simp army” and its kind of disrespectful. plus im pretty sure none of them actually give a shit about me in that way.
In short, im just irritated as hell. With everyone and everything. I wrote in my physical journal , but I figured ill start using this one too. who knows for how long. Ive made plans to overhaul my whole page. so thats a thing. Just depends on when im motivated to do it

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ThunderMoon
14:44 Mar 15 2024

Some people like to judge no matter what it about you know who you are and that all that matters

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