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i just read someones journal entry about thier past that touched me on a personal level. i used to be a cutter, up until about 2 years ago. in my warped mind, seeing myself physically bleed was better than the internal pain i was suffering. i had been molested when i was a kid, was married at 19 and divorced by 25, had a child with a man i didn't love and was in a relationship with a man that i put up on a pedestal and worshipped and he repaid me by cheating on me. it was to much for me to bear. to be honest i felt like an utter failure. everything i had ever attempted to do, i had failed at miserably. i spent most of my nights, wide awake, thinking about how everyone elses life would be better if i wasn't alive. it is sad to say i had these thoughts when i was pregnant for my 3rd child. the only thing that kept me going was knowing that my kids loved me unconditionally and that they would be sad if i wasn't around anymore. that didn't stop me from feeling like i had hurt all the people i had loved in my past by not working harder when the going got tough. at this prsent time in my life i have learned that anything worth having is not going to come easy and that loving another person takes work. you have to accept that you are inevitably going to get hurt, but your commitment to your love will help you get through it. the man on the pedestal? my current husband. have i forgiven him? kinda. does the thought of him being with another woman still eat me up inside? oh yeah. but every day that passes it gets less and less painful. doesn't mean that their still aren't days when i just wish i was single, so i could live out some fantasies that i never got to try;

)

After a forced absence due to my daughters increased seizure issues the past couple months i am back. and i am so happy to be back. i have missed my vr friends more than i can tell, especially during the long night in the hospital as i watched my 4 year old be hooked up to machines so they could try to pin point the cause of her seizures. so after 10 months we finally got her approved for disability and she has started a special program at her school that will help her adapt to school this coming fall. i am so proud of her, she is adjusting so well, and she doesn't seem to care that she has to wear a special helmet to protect her head when she has her drop seizures. she doesn't mind that 2 aides walk her hand in hand down the hall so she doesn't fall.. she doesn't mind, but i do. logically i know that the school is just taking precautions, keeping her safe, but the part of me that was once a child that was picked on for being different, but the illogicall side, wishes they wouldn't call any more attention to her than is already gonna be focused on her. she is an incredibly smart, beautiful child and i want people to see her, not her disability, epilepsy. i am also incredibly hormonal because i am 18 weeks pregnant, so literally everything makes me cry. i put her on the bus with my 7 year old for the summer program on monday and i bawled my eyes out for about 20 minutes. my husband is making fun of me, but i don't think he understands, at home she is kasie or sissy as jake and richie like to call her. nobody looks at her weird cause she has to wear a helmet, but at school, people don't know her as anybody other than the girl who wears the funny blue helmet. kids can be so mean and i don't want her to think that there is something wrong with her cause their isn't.

COMMENTS

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BloodThirstyLips817
02:19 Jul 11 2009

It is good to have you back. I am so sorry to hear all that you are going through. And I can understand where you are coming from. My thoughts & prayers will be with you & your family.

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ShatteredAngel
07:26 Jul 11 2009

As a mother raising a child with cerebral palsy... I can completely understand how you feel... At home, with family and friends, it is easy to forget that your child is not "normal". It is easy to see just the great things about them...



If she is even half as wonderful as you make her sound, I believe that she will still have lots of friends in school that will love her and not even see the "extras"... My daughter wears braces on her legs and a feeding tube... She has had times with aides working with her all school day long, and has even gone to school with walking casts on to try to correct her walking... And she is still one of the most loved kids in the class, and I'm not talking the special ed room, but the regular classroom, she even has kids request she come visit during other parts of class and come visit her during her special ed portions of the day.

(And I do understand the hormones are going to play a role as well, I just had my second child over the holiday weekend).

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