So I cleaned off a table that had wedding pictures and cake topper displayed on it and packed it away in a box with some Christmas stuff. I can’t stand to even look at it not because I’m mad but because of how happy I once looked. There’s a huge lump in my throat that I keep trying to swallow down but the tears won’t come out. My chest physically hurts, aches and feels heavy. I feel like everyday a little more of who I am dies inside.
Is it supposed to feel like this?
I understand where youR coming from hun, it's was that way with my ex-husband. We could never have common ground because he saw me as beneath hun or that's what his families influence caused.
You hang in there. It's normal to have the emotions. If you need someone to talk to I am here.
There are very few things I attribute to others.
Yes the awakened have potential to awaken others…which is common knowledge amongst the awakened.
I have been the way I am for a few decades now. When someone comes in claiming they have reached some cosmic understanding of things that they perceive I have yet to encounter on my own. It makes me chuckle out loud to myself.
I keep my lips sealed and allow them to assume that I am less the wiser.
You have only seen or know what I allow you to know and see about me. You don’t know what this vessel possesses some may never know or perceive it from me but it is not for them to know than at that time.
For fucksakes not this shit again…
The summer blossoms are in full bloom
but it is winter in my heart
When will spring dawn again?
It is night in my soul the moonlight guides my path
in the darkness the moss that blooms on the side of trunks facing the moonlight guide my way
I grope and feel my way waiting for your light to again make the path clear
I learn to rest in the stillness, listening on the move when the moonlight shows it’s face to me again
But even some flowers bloom in the dark night of my soul
There treasures hide in the darkness somehow they seem brighter and more brilliant still than they would in the light of day
They have been hidden for me to find in the darkness
Like a seed that grows hidden in the dark soil with no light then it emerges to finally to touch the light of day
A child grown in the darkness of the mothers womb
Like a butterfly emerging from it’s dark cocoon
Some can only grow veiled in the dark of night
This is a mystery that I have yet to fully understand but know this mystery to be true
Sometimes I just can’t.. I understand people have disagreements and I’m one to talk about having them in a “public forum” but sometimes there are deeper things that are going on in private that can be happening that need to brought into the light… abusers use isolation as a control tactic. That is why some things can’t be “private”. The abuser will cut of the seemingly weaker or stronger of the herd and in a sense take them down to weaken the structure of that group. They will come in and spread the seed of deceit to cause doubt in the dynamic between others. They will breadcrumb others leading them away distracting them from what is really going on below the surface. They use guilt and shame to control as well name calling. Covert, hidden ways to control the narrative to make them seem as though they are on top of the narrative.
It’s all about control. Feelings are not involved at all. There’s no love nor care with these individuals. They don’t care about your feelings. If anything isn’t a red flag that should be the biggest one.
What makes it so much more insidious is they will lead you to believe that they have feelings and love bomb you to draw you back in when you cut off their essence or supply that feeds their ego. They are blind to this ego and will deny it that they even have an inflated ego because they are not self aware. The ego blinds them to their true self. They will project their own bad behavior and blame you for the way they are acting. Leaving you with the blame for THEIR actions because they will never be able to take responsibility for their own actions. There will never be any true apology or change of behavior. It will continue to cycle and follow a pattern.
No contact or going grey rock is the only way to suffocate this type of person. Grey rock is a way to make yourself as boring or as uninteresting as possible. You are talking but only giving short answers. In a sense you almost have to become like them when they go into the discard phase but all cost one must avoid all contact with such an individual.
The narcissist, psychopath or sociopath are all different but not by much.
They are void of empathy they can mirror but they do not have the mental faculties to understand or give true empathy in return and that is what draws them to you this fascination with something that they do not have. They feed on what they do not possess until they in effect turn you into them after their own likeness.
In some ways I have always seemed like the weaker in the pack with my quiet, watching disposition but looks are deceiving.
They are ready to say they will “fight a bitch” but I’m usually the one stepping in the middle of deputes being the peace keeper.
They loudly proclaim status and fight amongst each other until the moment my patience is at it’s end because it’s not often it happens and when I speak in anger the response is surprising. Utter silence because it is out of character for me for them. Have I ever claimed this status over them no not once.
I’m often asked if something is wrong because I will go quiet and watchful they will assume I’m mad. I may not speak unless I’m being spoken to but I’m the one they go to when they need counsel or an ear to listen.
I have no use to fill the space around me with empty, meaningless conversation but I often indulge them. There is often a heavy sadness inside me but also a sense of fulfillment in some aspects in my life. For right now though there is a mourning of sorts. My pack is in disarray and by no fault of my own. Does that make me a bad leader? No, I feel it doesn’t because as the saying goes you can bring a horse to water but you can’t make it drink.
You see this is why it helps to have someone with more experience and knowledge about things.
Most of what I have learned is by making mistakes and not being aware of things and later figuring things out when someone brings something to light that I had never thought of.
I sit here thinking about something someone had said and boom it clicks and makes more sense.
I am in a state of facepalm. Yes there are somethings I have yet to know about myself but finding these things out it seems the list is tallied against me.
I’m just me without rhyme or reason. I do what it is I do. I had never thought or questioned about what it was that had caused some things. Though some things caused me great confusion.
To those given power so does it come with great responsibility but how was I to know all that I would be responsible for when I never had anyone to tell me or teach me these things. It doesn’t change what has been done.
It only serves to strengthen the knowing of what I have already known for decades now.
The darkness feels as if it has further enveloped my mind and being at this moment a numbing sensation has overtaken me. I’m realizing the sheer magnitude of keeping ever closer to the shadows and hidden from sight even here amongst all places.
Well that was interesting but now you just made me hungrier. *grins*
Wanting a change… I’ve become restless with dealing with it all. I just want a quiet place to exist despite the fact it’s rarely ever quiet inside my mind.
They say change starts with you. Sometimes I just don’t know how to make that happen. I reach out when I need help but sometimes I find no one reaching back. I try not to be too needy too dependent on others because I have internalized the emotional neglect. Then I am told I don’t reach out enough when I keep to myself because well it just doesn’t seem to matter when I try to make connections in the end.
Most people are happy with what they have. In some sense I am too despite others not liking how I go to others to get my certain needs met and fully depending them, even when they have shown me they are not capable of giving what they don’t have to give. They want to be the only supplier and soul provider of it but are not capable of it and I’m expected to starve emotionally.
Sometimes I just wish that …(no words only overwhelming feelings of sadness)
Anyway enough of that shit..
As the old saying goes…if these walls could talk…
They do quite often talk and very loudly about the things that have happened here. So much hurt, pain, betrayal and anger.
The dead threads of the covens of old hold the secrets of a decade past and maybe more buried but not dead by any means. They have promised long held onto hurts would never be forgotten nor forgiven.
It is much like a generational curse on a descendants family bloodline. The sins that follow the fathers but even the mothers yes even they have sinned as well.
What should be done about all this? Some say..Some shrug and say this is just the way of things now. The sparkle has died the wonderment of it all and even imaginations. Yes even the myths too have died put to rest like a vampire slayed and staked through the heart.
Where are the glory days? The days of yore where there was loud, open gladness and friends that communed in the light for all to see, that only hide their gladness in the shadows now. Untrusting..doubting ..and afraid..Others come…Likened to the vampire Lestat who so longed to be known again by mortals and the world.
Sick of the shadows. Sick of the ebbing of time as it passes unchanging in these haunted walls filled with dead tombs….