The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

I laughed my ass off at this one.....then again, I've been an Enlisted member of the US Navy for over 12 years........









A young LCDR meets with a Chief in his office. He asks, "Chief, how do you run such an efficient section? Are there any tips you can give to me?"



"Well," says the Chief, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people." The LCDR frowns. "But how do I know if the people around me are really intelligent?"



The Chief takes a sip of coffee. "Oh, that's easy. You just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle."



The Chief yells out to one of his favorite First Class's. The First Class walks into the room.



"Yes, Chief what can I do for you?"



The Chief smiles "Answer me this, please. Your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?"



Without pausing for a moment, the First Class answers, "Well, that would be me."



"Yes, Very good, thanks" says the Chief.



The LCDR goes back to his office to ask his junior officers the same question. "Answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a child.

It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?"



All of the junior officers look at the LCDR in amazement, "We're not sure, let us get back to you on that one." The junior officers then have

numerous meetings to discuss it, without a resolution.



Finally, they run into the Master Chief, Master Chief! Can you answer this for us? Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?



The Master Chief yells back, "That's easy. It's me!"



All of the officers' smile, and say, "Thanks!"



Then, they schedule a meeting with the LCDR, Sir we found the answer, we did some research and we have the answer to that riddle. It's a Master Chief.



The LCDR gets up, and starts screaming at them, "No, you idiots! It's a First Class!"

Department of Defense

Special Operations



THE LARK PROGRAM



A Lady wrote a lot of letters to the White House

complaining about the treatment of a captive insurgent (terrorist) being held in Guantanamo Bay.



She received back the following reply:



The White House

1600 Pennsylvania Avenue

Washington, D.C. 20016



Dear Concerned Citizen,



Thank you for your recent letter roundly criticizing

our treatment of the Taliban and Al Quada detainees currently being held at Guantanamo Bay,Cuba.



Our administration takes these matters seriously and your opinion was heard loud and clear here in Washington.



You'll be pleased to learn that, thanks to the

concerns of citizens like yourself, we are creating a new division of the Terrorist Retraining Program, to be called the "Liberals Accept Responsibility for Killers" program, or LARK for short.



In accordance with the guidelines of this new program, we have decided to place one terrorist under your personal care.



Your personal detainee has been selected and scheduled for transportation under heavily armed guard to your residence next Monday.



Ali Mohammed Ahmed bin Mahmud (you can just call him Ahmed) is to be cared for pursuant to the standards you personally demanded in your letter of complaint. It will likely be necessary for you to hire some assistant caretakers.



We will conduct weekly inspections to ensure that your standards of care for Ahmed are commensurate with those you so strongly recommended in your letter.



Although Ahmed is a sociopath and extremely violent, we hope that your sensitivity to what you described as his attitudinal problem" will help him overcome these character flaws.



Perhaps you are correct in describing these problems as mere cultural differences. We understand that you plan to offer counseling and home schooling.



Your adopted terrorist is extremely proficient in

hand-to-hand combat and can extinguish human life with such simple items as a pencil or nail clippers. We advise that you do not ask him to demonstrate these skills at your next yoga group. He is also expert at making a wide variety of explosive devices from common household products, so you may wish to keep those items locked up, unless (in your opinion) this might offend him.



Ahmed will not wish to interact with you or your

daughters (except sexually), since he views all females as a subhuman form of property. This is a particularly sensitive subject for him and he has been known to show violent tendencies around women who fail to comply with the new dress code that he will recommend as more

appropriate attire.



I'm sure you will come to enjoy the anonymity offered by the burka -- over time.



Just remember that it is all part of "respecting his

culture and his religious beliefs". Wasn't that how you put it?



Thanks again for your letter. We truly appreciate it when folks like you keep us informed of the proper way to do our job. You take good care of Ahmed - and remember, we'll be watching.



Good luck!



Cordially, your friend,



GEORGE W. BUSH