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I soon became an insomniac. I was depressed. My parents werent getting along. I would go out at night and walk around the golf course. after a couple months of doing this i ran into someone. it was 3 am i was smoking a newport and a voice from off the cart path... "can i get one" sure i respongdwhats your name? "J.J.J James yeah." we smoked our ciggarettes and i said goodbye. He grabbed my arm "your gonna suck my dick bitch" I freaked and kicked him in the shin then the balls he doubled over and i ran like hell. Back home and i felt safe. for a while. I was dumb and still walked at night. Sometimes we met and fought. then he got the better of me and rapped me. he was a few inches taller than me and had baddly dyed hair. this continued for years. he learned where i lived and would come to my back glass door with a gun and tap on it threaghtening to kill my mother and myself if i didnt spread my legs.

middle school rolled around and i gained weight i weighed 200pds in 7th grade. Boy was i a target. I soon learned though that i could use my weight in a punch and after a couple fights with the biggest guy in school i got him suspended. I went quiet. I dyed my hair black. Ohh i went through my phases i tried to be a prep then a hippie (but i was scared of drugs) Then i died my hair black and things began to change. High school started and i sat under the stairs hiding from life and wearing all black (didnt even know what goth was) when asked who i was mourning for i would respond i am mourning for the death of civility or society.



I made a friend C. he smoked pot shortly i did also. i started finding the wrong kind of people to be friends with.



at 16 i was out with a friend and her boyfriend they set me up with another guy. We smoked a joint together then they gave me one for myself. It was laced. i didnt understand what was going on and had sex for the first time. All i remember is he had silk boxers and i blacked out.



My first rape. I didnt recognize it as such for a few months. I knew it hurt but i thought it was supposed to.

My mother Suzi my biological father is Al (deceased aug 15 2002) my dad Mike.



As a child i never knew that mike wasnt my father. I grew up always thinking of him as my dad and father. My mom suzi is my mom and i always knew it in my heart. I was trying so hard my whole childhood to please mike and i never understood why or even that i was doing it. My mom grew up in a disfunctional home her mom always loved her older brother the most and was kinda wierd (she would only dress in the closet so no one would see her naked). She has always tried her best to be better than her mother and i think she has succeded. My Dad was adopted as was his sister. I found this out in my teens. He was raised in an abusive alcoholic household. Al i dont know much about but in his marriage before my mom he had 4 other kids.



Mike tried his best by me but he didnt have much of an example to go by.



At age 5 is the first time i remember wanting to kill myself. It was right before a dance recital and dad screamed at me (i think because i couldnt figure out how to tie my shoes yet) I wanted to fall off the stage and hit my head and not wake up. I was for the most part a happy kid even though there was abuse. He devolped into hitting me if i could not clean and do my chores well enough or quick enough. to this day he doesnt recognize this as abuse because it is so much less than what his father did to him. Im sorry dad but i cant change what your father did to you but you can change what youve done to me if you want to. To this day he will not say im sorry. I resent that a lot but i still try to love him.



My parents put me in private school and i was well educated there i loved the teachers. the peers i could have done without a lot of them.



mostly it was fine the teasing was rough and i feel that the beatings were not warented.



i ran away from school in 2nd grade not sure why but upset and not liking myself or life. The counselors thought that mike was sexualy abusing me. The state came in and watched us for a few days and left with nothing more. he didnt like that but quit hitting me for a while. it came back a few months later. I still got counsiling from school for that year but nothing came from it.