just continuing notes. nothing very good.05:23 Aug 14 2010
Times Read: 894
I am lost.
In this world of light I am eternally bound to the darkness. Its not a darkness that you or anyone else may see. It is my own pain, wrapped around myself to keep me safe and warm. I walk alone through the years, never knowing a lovers touch. I walk forever knowing the emptiness and sorrow that many have succumbed to.
I am not one of the lucky ones.
Have you ever wanted what you could not have so bad that you could taste it? I have, and do. Everyday. The pain and heartache of knowing he is there and i can never have him is part of what keeps me confined to this darkness.
I thought he was perfect, my soulmate, the one I was destined to be with forever. In the blink of an eye he was gone. Taken from me by some unkown force that has left me bereft of all feelings of light and love. My heart has been broken into a million pieces, never to be out back together.
He made me feel for him as I have never felt before, so desperate for his attention that I felt I would die if I could not speak to him, see him or hear his voice. Its gone. All gone now, I know now that I shall never have those things again. The things that I felt at one time would suffocate me I now feel I am suffocating with out them.
These are things that many of you take for granted. You have them, you have no idea what it is like to live with out them. To know that each day that passes they move farther out of your reach and there is nothing you can do to bring them back to you. To have those feelings that will maybe one day bring you out of the darkness and into the light again.
I wander in the shadows, clinging to them, wishing and hoping they may ease the pain and loneliness that is my soul. I long for the day that he may come back to me, for I know that he and he alone will take away the darkness and fill the void inside my soul.
As the years pass, I watch time go by, I see children grow and move into their own lives. A little more of me dies with each passing day. I watch the old pass on to the next life, I see the new come into this world. I hope beyond hope that they never have to suffer the same fate as I do.
For I know that he is never coming back. That which took him from me will not let him. The atonement of my sins that shall never be forgiven. This is my punishment. To live a thousand life times with out love, with out my soul mate. Forever I am cursed. Cursed to the darkness, the shadows, the endless passing of time. For I shall never be allowed to die.
Many years later:
I am lost,
still.
To watch so many die, and do nothing. Unable to do anything but watch as they suffered. Their pain unbearable to see. This life, this curse that has been given to me, I wish it had never been given. The endless lies that are told. It is getting to me. To always be watching, never part of this world you live in.
As always, I keep to the shadows, blending in, to be seen only when I choose to be seen.
COMMENTS
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Dreamweaver
05:54 Jul 25 2011
I read it twice, and I cried both times. I have known the hurt, anger and complete desolation. I waited years to find the one love of my life. The perfect man to love and share my life with. I had so many dreams but they were just illusions that I allowed myself to believe.