MY LIFE SO FAR
22:05 Mar 08 2007
Times Read: 665
I wasn't always as you see me now, once I was like you, and that was not so very long ago, yet pity me not for I am as I am of choice. I take this form out of love; yes love, sound strange to hear one such as I say that, It’s true. I am that I am buy my own doing I chose this path, no, that’s probably an understatement , I actively searched out and hunted down this way, thee way, the only way, that is,.. well,... that is if you want to, …. live forever.
Once I was in love, a love so strong and so pure that even to think of it now fills me with great sadness and despair. That lover is now gone, stolen from me by the ravages and injustice of illness, do you have any idea what it feels like to stand there and watch as the very reason for your life is being ripped from your heart, powerless to help. An agony beyond belief, I would gladly have given my very soul to save her, but who would listen to such a plead who would come to our aid and offer a hope? None, no God, no Devil, no nothing, we were all alone and waiting for the inevitable, .....death.
The inevitable came.
I lost her soul one beautiful crisp autumn morning, she loved such days as these, she would have had us out kicking the up fallen leaves or chasing our frozen breaths on the air.
Now she was gone, gone like the warmth of the sun in winter, and I, I was alone in the world, it held no joy for me, I wanted to follow her, for years I fell, darkness and despair. But somehow I could not let her, and life, go. I felt that if I pass, it will all be gone, there will be nothing, nothing left to remind the world of how good that life was. Nothing to show the beauty, the warmth and the reason that she brought to my life, the happiness she brought to the world.
If you believe there is more, that there is a possibility of a reincarnation, a second life, a second chance or even just the slightest outside chance of it. Then being there for that chance would be a must, a driving need. What if that soul returned one day and I was not there for her? Unthinkable. But how? How do you force your time to stand still while you wait?
The question.
At first the dawning of such an idea was like getting hit square in the back with a sledge hammer, you fool, you idiot, you could have already wasted the time you need to prepare. An overwhelming sense of urgency came upon me. I had to think, to research and study, but what, where, it’s alright having an idea but how do you make it work.
My first lines of thought were all in the medical field, euthanasia, cryogenics, DNA modification and even cloning, perhaps just perhaps if you can re-clone yourself just prior to death, you could pass on all that is you to you and so in a form perpetuate life. Many fields and most full of individuals hoping to become either very very rich or famous or both. Occasionally I would come across people similar mind to myself, usually too scared to die out of fear of the unknown, occasionally from the fear of being parted from the ones they love. A few of these were kindred spirits and were very helpful to me, we were walking a similar path and we tried to help each other, though, they never new my true reasons for searching and asking so many questions. Alas it seamed that either the science was so secure that I was not going to get to it or the possibility of it working was still a long way off. And even then how do you arrange to have your head defrosted and glued back onto a body just at that moment when you expect that certain someone's soul to pop up into the world again. No, this wasn't going to work. Again I fell to despair, now worse than ever as the idea was there but no means of fulfilling it.
When you look into this type of work or work in this field there is always an undercurrent of questions that everyone is thinking but no one ever talks about, except when they have had too much to drink, are we playing God, are we messing with Gods plans, only God can create life etc. etc. I am sure you have heard the lines. Perhaps there was a truth there that I was missing.
I tried to fathom the God question out and spent time in various religious research libraries looking for answers but all that you find are stories about the powers of the church and how you can’t get to their heaven unless you do things their way, and if you don’t well then it’s war. Funny, it always used to remind me of the war in Gulliver's travels over the correct method of eating a boiled egg. Futility.
Then by chance a thought came to me one day whilst reading through some of these old religious accounts of ancient battles between good and evil, it dawned on me that I had read similar stories of similar battles but these were more recent, just a few hundreds of years ago instead of a thousand. Were these perhaps the same spirit, creature or evil? How lucky it must have been to be able to continue through time like that, I envied it.
You fool, I thought, how can you envy something that does not exist, you don’t believe in all that God Devil stuff. If He, had existed, He, would never have let this happen in the first place. Would He ? But, I seek eternal life and they tell me that doesn't exist either, why should I now not feel envy for even the very idea that they can pass on through time.
What were they, these evil spirits and daemons? And by who's, or on what account, evil ? A question that opens up a whole new spectrum of thoughts and ideas. Most are stories and were written by relatively modern authors Mary Shelly, Bram Stoker and the likes, but then again, most of these old fables and tales are based on some truths, an incident or happening from long ago now exaggerated and truth long lost in the telling. But if this was a thing that could live on beyond its natural time in theory it should still be alive, or at least so my thoughts went. Could such a thing still exist today and if it did would we not all know of it? Wouldn't it be headline news in the trash papers?
Perhaps this is worth looking for, all other avenues seamed dead and as time was precious to me, it had to be spent productively, I can’t not try.
Where do you start looking for mythical creatures or spirits that you know nothing about, not even there names. When you ask you get the strangest looks, most people that you would think would know something are in fact completely ignorant, they talk as though they are experts but just like the scientists before, they are in the game for the same reasons, to make money etc. etc.
Back to research, libraries, books and a new tool came along, the internet, though there is no substitute for the information that can be gained from actually holding and reading an ancient book, this new tool, by allowing you to interact and question other people whilst still remaining semi anonymous opens up many new lines and helps you think in other directions that you probably would never have gone down. Such was my case, I was looking through a web site which from its title seamed to sum me up completely. http://www.morbid-romantic.net/ Whilst looking though there various sections in it I came across a link for Vampire criminals
http://www.shebitch.co.uk/vampire-criminals.html I had just taken it for granted that Vampires and Vampirism were defiantly one of the made up stories, creatures. So why would there be people classified as Vampire criminals? Curious.
Most of the characters they named were what you would class as your average psycho axe murderer but half way down the page there was a reference to a much older story, and a name, Vlad Tepes. Have you ever typed a name into a computer search engine just out of curiosity or in a vain hope, and then were astounded with what the rest of the world would appear to know and you don't. Google 544,000 articles, yes 544,000. How come I had never heard this name before? It takes a long time to go through that many articles plus all the side leads that come off them, trust me.
I tell you this though, the truth as they say is truly out there, you just have to look hard enough and learn to ask the right questions, and sure enough it was there, a link, an address and a group of people that appeared to know more than they were letting on, a society, based in Buccuresti, Romania. I tried contacting them but all they would give me was an address, an open invite and I suppose a sort of hope.
When you want to believe, you will follow even the slightest wisp of smoke if it appears to be going in the right direction, and so I found myself standing in a dark and rundown railway station. I was thinking to myself what a state it was in when a voice called out to me from the edge of the dark
“Who are you looking for “?
I replied that I was looking for Primaverii Bulovard. number 47.
“You came then” said the voice “follow me.”
“You expected me?” I asked, a little stunned.
“You ask too many questions, you have been looking for us for a long time, and now we have let you find us, come or return ? Choose?”
At that he stopped, I could only just make out his shape but there was no mistaking his presence. The very air felt chilled, like opening the door on a great freezer. I would have followed that voice to the end of the earth if I thought that it would have brought me just one step closer to that which I desired so much. He turned and walked on into the night, when you spend all your life in a city you forget what it is like to live without street lamps all I could make out were faint lights from the windows of the houses as we passed. The road was rough, I stumbled and tripped loudly several times, he did not turn, nor stop, and, strangely I thought, nobody looked from the windows. If there was a noise at night in the streets where I live all the neighbours’ curtains would be twitching like mad. Eventually after what seamed an eternity we arrived at a door. At last I caught a glimpse of him, he was taller than me and much thinner, very gaunt about the face with deep sunken eyes, though not in an unattractive way, and he put me in mind of Lurch from the old black and white television program The Adams Family.
“What you seek lies inside”, he said,
I turned to the door, turned back, and he had gone, just like that, no sound, no movement, no nothing he had just gone. This was way over my head, I felt like I was in a dream and I was just about to wake up, usually just at that part where the good bit happens. I opened the door to a dimly lit room, on the other side there sat two people, male and female, darkly dressed though not menacing, as I entered the room they looked up at me then pointed to a small seat on the other side of the room.
“Please sit” she said “we will not harm you; we are here to help if we can.”
I sat and looked at them in silence, the room was lit by two old paraffin lamps and it gave a faint yellow tinge to the light. They were both very alike and had a similar appearance to the man that met me off the train. Brothers and sister perhaps, I thought. After what seamed like an eternity he spoke.
“What is it that you are really looking for my friend”, he said in a deep long tone.
“To be honest I don't really know, I think I am looking for a new life or something, but, but it is more than that”.
All this time and here you are blabbing like some sort of an idiot I took a deep breath and started again,
“I lost a love and the sadness in my heart grieves me dearly. It is a pain that is like no other, I wish only to live on in hope of seeing her again. Does that make me sound mad ?”
“No” was the reply, “not mad, we to have lived that hurt. Tell me how you think that we can assist you”? he asked.
“I don’t know, I hoped that there was still a magic in the old stories and perhaps some of that magic would work for me. I just hoped, I have nothing left inside now, just the hope”.
“The thing you seek is not found lightly friend, for it would be a curs on all of humanity if it were let loose. Without control it would destroy the very thing you love”. she said,
Her voice was soft yet it felt as though it had a strange physical grip on you. I stared straight at her and she at me, It was as though I could feel her very presence inside me, in my very soul, she could see all that was me, I could hide no secrets from her.
“Then it does still exist. What must I do ?” Where must I go ? Please tell me. Please?”
“The very thing that you seek is in front of you, you have to but to reach out and take it. But, think hard before you walk that path. Your life as you know it would cease to exist; you would become the shadow figure, a thing of the dark. You would disdain the very light of day, for though not killing you directly, it would cause you such physical pain, the very nerves of you body would feel as though they were on fire. Your metabolism would be altered beyond all recognition, you would never be able to eat of the food of this earth again, . And, and of all this, you would have a hunger, a hunger for the one thing that you dread not take, the blood of another life,” his words felt as though they were vibrating inside my head, his sounds were in me, part of me, not just around me.
“We will leave you now, think hard friend for this is not a step to be lightly taken. Leave the lamps on and depart, do not look back and never think of us. Or.” He paused. “Turn the lamps out, sit and await.”
With that they both rose up and walked past me, at the door she stopped, turned and gazed back at me, her eyes, that look, it was as though I was looking once again upon the eyes of my lost love. They looked love upon me and that great sadness and pain filled me once more. How could this be ?
A faint smile and they were gone.
A blind man standing at the very edge of a busy road, that he must of necessity cross, knows how exactly how I felt that night, you could feel the very breath of danger in your face and yet for some unknown reason you very soul compels you to cross. Your mind boils with that mixture of fear and anticipation, the very thing you want yet, at what cost?
What will I become ? What will happen to me ? Could I ever forgive myself if after all this time I walked away now ?
I turned the lamps out... sat down... and waited.
Today -
I am still waiting, still looking for her, but now, time is very much on my side.
Some day she will read this and know.
The very reason for writing.
COMMENTS
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daggerrose
23:36 Oct 07 2010
Very Moving. Wow. I wish you good luck in that of your wishes, to come true. Love IS a powerful thing. Feel free to drop by if you ever just want to talk.
Truly Daggerrose